I miss you a lot, but I think it would be impossible to ever tell you how much. And you know that I’ve always been bad with words. You remember I never knew what to say, when we sat together at the table for all of the “failing” kids in pre-calc, but you always knew what to say back then. I remember you always knew what to say. Even when we talked about nothing, you could tell me something.
I miss you a lot. I think now that even if it were impossible to ever tell you how much, that I have to at least tell you how I cope. Because then maybe you could understand somehow. Somehow maybe you could understand.
I’m in college now and I don't go back home too much. I pretend like I’m too important, or that I have too much going on to be there. But you know the truth, you know it hurts too much. But I go back sometimes, and when I do I go to the Freddy's parking lot, and I sit in my car. In that old plaza we used to work in.
And I put on “To This Day” by Shane Kocyzan and I shut my eyes as tightly as I can. I listen a few times and pretend like you’re in the passenger’s seat listening with me, and sometimes I cry. And sometimes I don’t. Every time it hurts the same. But I have to do it.
I have to do it to remember you, because I can’t ever forget you. I do it hoping you’ll see me and sit with me. Like really sit with me, just for a few minutes. All I need is a few minutes.
I have to do it because maybe it’ll make me miss you less. Or maybe you’ll see me and you’ll know how sorry I am. How sorry I am that I didn’t go to your memorial. I have to do it because I didn’t go to your memorial.
I do it because I have to tell you that we love you and that it wasn’t your fault, but you know that it wasn’t your fault and you know that we love you. And I hope you know how sorry I am that I didn’t go to your memorial. But you know that I’ve always been bad with words, and you always knew what to say. And even if it’s impossible for you to hear me, I have to tell you how sorry I am. That I didn't go to your memorial. Then I turn up “to this day” and I remember you and I have to do it because I miss you too much.