So now what

I'm here in Chicago
I filled my day with self care
And it feels like he's distancing himself further
And further away from me
Like he's been coming and moving away from me
All this time.

My therapist says this time, its different
I can feel
That this time
It is different
I'm different.

And it hurts so much to be compared to
The wounds of my past
And my appetite was so finicky tonight
I could never make a decision
So I just didn't
Its getting late now I've got a big day ahead of me tomorrow
My gabapentin ran out
I'm not going to be able to get it until tomorrow night
He had up a picture of us
And its gone again now
He blocked another account
He needs space he says
He needs time he says
He needs to recover he says
And my hope slowly disappears into the night.

It feels so unfair to be compared to where I've been
I look in the mirror
So much different now
I'm already so different now
And I wish so much
I was cuddling you
And you were holding me right back
On the couch you got for us.

I sleep 7 floors above the ground
I stare at my phone
Like it might tell me something different
I need to go to bed sooner
I miss you so much
I hope you miss me too.