Okay I get it
You seem to have nothing for me.

Walled up, shut out
I'm somewhere lost
On the outside
Looking in
You embrace my fears like you enjoy it
I'm outside
Looking in.

Several weeks have gone by
Activated
You picked me up
Like I was some chore
Some labor
My heart hurts tonight.

In all the moments where I should be at my highest
I've looked over at you
Nothing
Just drug down
Into.

Sitting with my own pain
My own holdings
Silence.

Draw and chart it out
Take medication
Condition
Buzz words get thrown around like
Candy canes
During a Christmas vacation
It feels like its just me all alone
All the time
No matter what I do
And I remember this time last week
The solace I found in the hotel room
Sleeping in a bed
That looked like a film strip
If the silence is there tonight
Let it.

Why do I have to carry the weight of torture?
Why do I have to allow myself to be drug down
Why do I look for the very thing that at this moment
Isn't there
Why do I allow myself to feel so dejected and neglected
And its like the very person
I want to hold me up the highest

Limbo
I cast another role
Take another bite of salad
I go on airplane mode to escape the lost feelings
I feel
I hope
And I'm so tired of feeling pushed around
Like I'm some kind of pretty puppet
My own best friend hardly likes my instagram posts
And I'm just so tired of caring
I've heard a lot lately about my ownership
And how me owning myself on the internet
If someone isn't capable of doing that right now
It could be triggering for them.

I was the girl that brought home trophies every weekend
I got comfortable traveling
Packing my bags
Wearing a suit
Performing
I was so disciplined at such a young age.
I really really really
Fought to rise up and make **** happen.

And here in this moment
Where I feel the most unacknowledged by my own
Partner I ever have
My keyboards literally falling off of my computer
Trusting
Waiting to see a therapist together
Limbo
Self care


Here in this moment
I'll finish this poem
And look at a stripboard
Confirm its excellence
Maybe ask a question or two
Watch twin peaks
And release myself
From need.