I wish I had an answer on why I feel the way I do.
I’m not mad I’m hurt
In ways I can’t describe
It’s been years but I haven’t been able to process things
The two things I want gone are still running free into the night
My thoughts catch up with me
My nights are the worst, I think and think
I know I’m not good enough that’s why you left
You left cause you couldn’t look after me
I get that but you have no idea what I go though because of that
I constantly think I was never good enough that you never loved me enough to stay to stay in my life
I’m constantly thinking that.
You both hurt me.
I want to move on but I can’t
I never got a reason why
I need to understand why you did what you did.
You left me and I just got abused but hey it’s in the past right it shouldn’t matter anymore. It’s the past I should just move on.
What’s the point of trying if you can’t move on.
I’m done feeling like this I’m done thinking that it’s all my fault you shouldn’t of had me I’ve never been happy till now I have one person, that one person is the only thing keeping me here.
It’s so hard not to get emotional about all this but it’s hard it makes me so angry I just want to hurt myself so badly I want you to know the pain I went though knowing I can’t talk to anyone knowing that all of a sudden I now have to open up to people and trust then all of a sudden. It’s so so hard to do that you say your fine even though your not your too scared to tell anyone your not okay because you know your gonna get blamed the things that had happened in the past is now all catching up with me.
I’m hurt I don’t want to be here no one understands it’s hard to explain all those years of being told to be quite it happened in the past I don’t have a right to get angry I can’t even go back home anymore.
I’m sorry I tried to convinced myself that I was okay that I didn’t need help...
I sorry for everything I put myself through but I’m slowly losing
I want to end it...
I can’t though you don’t understand after everything Ive been though this is the only safe thing I have... after you get physically and mentally abused and all you wanted to do for years was end your life so that person that hurt you so bad that you have to deal with it for the rest of your life you can finally let them win, maybe I just deserve to be alone I mean I am the way I am because of them.
So yes there is going to be times where I do end up self harming to distract myself so I don’t think about the **** I go though and I’m sorry if I can’t promise to next cut again and I’m sorry for all that I’m honestly am sorry you can leave now you can just leave everyone eventually does I’m use it, I just can’t be with someone that When I do is just going to be mad and tell me not to because you think it’s so easy to not.