Jun 2013
I guess you cry. You grieve. You curl into a ball, clutching your blankets so hard that your knuckles turn white, and you let that pain roll through your body like an earthquake, sobbing and sobbing and drowning in that sweet agony that consumes you until you can barely breathe. You let all of the pain and suffering leak from your body and into the world, and far, far away from you.
You don’t eat because your throat is so tight, you’re choking on everything, and your stomach feels like a rock anyway. You avoid the radio and the TV and reading books because there is always a song or a kiss or a quote that reminds you of him.
You wear the same clothes two days in a row, forget to brush your hair and write a lot of bad poetry. You take all of his things and throw them in the trash. And then you take them out again because throwing them out feels too much like admitting that its over. You don’t want to hold on but you don’t want to let go.
You barely sleep at all and when you do, you dream about him. You dream about the way it ended and wake up aching and when you think that it can’t hurt any worse, you fall back to sleep and you dream about the beginning. You dream that you are together, pushing his hair out of his face, grasping his hand while your heart beats its way out of your chest. You dream about your lips pressed up against his, and your bodies tangled together. You dream about how it all started, and then you wake up crying because he’s not there and you can’t change that.
You want to call him, send him an email, ask one of his friends if he’s even sad. You want him to suffer, but your heart breaks at the idea of him being in any pain. You want answers, closure, things you deserve but will never get. You want to yell and scream at him. You want to know why. You want to understand.
You hate yourself. You blame it all on yourself. You go over the last night you were together in your head a thousand times. His words echo in your ears. You pick apart your dialogue and think of all of things that you should have said, or done to fix it.
You cry so hard you nearly make yourself sick. You want to puke because you want him out of you, but there is nothing in your stomach anyway. You tell yourself that you want to erase him from your memory. You pretend that you wish you had never met him.
You swear that you will never trust again. You will never let another man touch you. You think that you are damaged goods and no one will want you anyway.
You’re friends listen to you cry about him, and vent and complain, for a few days before they cant handle it anymore. They think you’re overreacting. For days or weeks or however long you need, you grieve. You want to die some days, but you pull yourself back before it goes that far. You feel like you’ve gone crazy. (You really haven’t). You feel like no one understands.
It doesn’t matter what your label was. It doesn’t matter if he was your boyfriend, or your best friend or just the guy who led you on. It doesn’t matter if you dated for three years or fell for him six months ago. Your pain is real and it is valid.
He took a peice of you when he left, and now you have to learn to live without it. Now you have to remember how to breathe again. You have to let yourself stop wanting him, which takes longer than you want. In fact, you’ll probably tell yourself that you’re over him before you really are.
When your relationship with someone ends, it is the death of something. It is a tragedy and it changes you forever.
But you survive it. You learn from it. You forgive, but you never forget.
My point is, that you’re not alone. You are not the first person to feel this way, to suffer through this. I am not the first person to ache this way.
And I won’t be the last.
So if you can’t sleep, and you’re up looking for someone whose been aching like you have and writing about it, then this entry is for you.
Everything that you feel is real and it is valid and you are justified. It is okay for you to feel like this right now. Its okay for me to feel like this too.
You’re not alone.
You don’t eat because your throat is so tight, you’re choking on everything, and your stomach feels like a rock anyway. You avoid the radio and the TV and reading books because there is always a song or a kiss or a quote that reminds you of him.
You wear the same clothes two days in a row, forget to brush your hair and write a lot of bad poetry. You take all of his things and throw them in the trash. And then you take them out again because throwing them out feels too much like admitting that its over. You don’t want to hold on but you don’t want to let go.
You barely sleep at all and when you do, you dream about him. You dream about the way it ended and wake up aching and when you think that it can’t hurt any worse, you fall back to sleep and you dream about the beginning. You dream that you are together, pushing his hair out of his face, grasping his hand while your heart beats its way out of your chest. You dream about your lips pressed up against his, and your bodies tangled together. You dream about how it all started, and then you wake up crying because he’s not there and you can’t change that.
You want to call him, send him an email, ask one of his friends if he’s even sad. You want him to suffer, but your heart breaks at the idea of him being in any pain. You want answers, closure, things you deserve but will never get. You want to yell and scream at him. You want to know why. You want to understand.
You hate yourself. You blame it all on yourself. You go over the last night you were together in your head a thousand times. His words echo in your ears. You pick apart your dialogue and think of all of things that you should have said, or done to fix it.
You cry so hard you nearly make yourself sick. You want to puke because you want him out of you, but there is nothing in your stomach anyway. You tell yourself that you want to erase him from your memory. You pretend that you wish you had never met him.
You swear that you will never trust again. You will never let another man touch you. You think that you are damaged goods and no one will want you anyway.
You’re friends listen to you cry about him, and vent and complain, for a few days before they cant handle it anymore. They think you’re overreacting. For days or weeks or however long you need, you grieve. You want to die some days, but you pull yourself back before it goes that far. You feel like you’ve gone crazy. (You really haven’t). You feel like no one understands.
It doesn’t matter what your label was. It doesn’t matter if he was your boyfriend, or your best friend or just the guy who led you on. It doesn’t matter if you dated for three years or fell for him six months ago. Your pain is real and it is valid.
He took a peice of you when he left, and now you have to learn to live without it. Now you have to remember how to breathe again. You have to let yourself stop wanting him, which takes longer than you want. In fact, you’ll probably tell yourself that you’re over him before you really are.
When your relationship with someone ends, it is the death of something. It is a tragedy and it changes you forever.
But you survive it. You learn from it. You forgive, but you never forget.
My point is, that you’re not alone. You are not the first person to feel this way, to suffer through this. I am not the first person to ache this way.
And I won’t be the last.
So if you can’t sleep, and you’re up looking for someone whose been aching like you have and writing about it, then this entry is for you.
Everything that you feel is real and it is valid and you are justified. It is okay for you to feel like this right now. Its okay for me to feel like this too.
You’re not alone.
