I still see you
caverns of my mind
still flood with ideas of you
and snippets of conversation
we never finished

It's our shoes walking together
on a sidewalk in some nameless city
It's a single sushi meal we shared
It's how your profile looked in my car
during sunset hour
when we were driving back on the 101
it's an
incoherent
transparent
snake of memories
that don't make sense to me
any more

It slithers and *****
rolls of my life's film
into my brain's projector
and they play incessantly
every night
before I sleep

How sad

I brush it off
and resume tossing side to side
I'll cry
but only a few tears ever come out
I'm a volcano that will never erupt
I'm
dried up
out of steam
No ones
scared or concerned about me
any longer

Let me sink underneath the Earth
Into the ocean's depths
Where I can be forgotten about for good

A volcano without any lava left, huh?
How stupid

Then I met a few others like you
A coffee shared
The memory of how your eyes looked when you came
even the sound of you
peeing the next morning rings in my ears
and it plays
like a broken record
a sad mix tape some lonely pervert made in their mother's basement
while they sit in their self-made
prisons
sulking over
the  blonde, blue-eyed girls who shunned them
with their bug eyes
popping out of their fleshy shells
piercing their dream maidens
and
"Jesus Christ you're disgusting, ew, ew like bed bugs all over my body, go to Hell you worthless creep"
and they dream and fantasize over the happiness that they perpetually plant
and try to grow
and it's never a flower
it's only weeds on the side of a garden shed
No one's even bothers to pull

How sad

It's there like clockwork
Like when my heart races in the shower
The hot water makes my body tired
I think
"this is when I'll give up"
My body becomes seduced into a hypnotic trance
I can't seem to fight the
Warm blanket of water
that covers me

It'll end on this note.
I'll die.
Face down and
**** naked
Legs
hanging outside of the bathtub wall
In that last moment of life,
I'll probably be thinking of
when we made love here
Or how you
missed the green light when we
were driving back from getting donuts
because you were too buys gazing at me instead of the road

We looked at all the stars and you knew what they all meant
You kissed me
and told me
what each of their purposes were
You told me
which star to look at if I ever
found myself lost
We soon crawl into your bed
and I try to find the star to help me get out of your covers
Toes crossed together
Faces pressed into one another's

My heart begins to race
Like clockwork
Fingers digging into each others backs
Hypnotic warmth
Oh God
I whisper
I'm lulled
I've become your bodies hostage
I try to resist
One of my eyeballs manages to peak outside of your window
The star to help me find my way out is gone

The plot of this moment fades away as quickly as it was written
Soon,
all I can remember is your back
in the dark
moving
up and down
Your
savage grunting
becomes the soundtrack of the snake's nightly dropping

I look for that star every night
The silver of silver light trickling down your spine
up and down
the bed creaks
My hear aches
Beads of sweat
Erupt from your skin
Under the moon's picturesque glimmer
When the snake finally leaves,
I look outside of my window
Searching

I never find that guiding star

How stupid

Like clockwork,

How sad