It was you
Who last held me
It was you who
Last kissed my lips
As if I knew
This was really it.

I remember the way
I sauntered spontaneously to the bar
Dressed like
Someone not from there
And the look in your eyes
When you saw me again
For the first time.

I spent a lot of time
Mourning the loss of you
As it became clear
You were not interested
In keeping up with me
In a kind way, baby
No you had no interest
In staying here on land
Or in the sea
With befriending
Lil ole me.

I don't think I was either
Though sometimes I tell myself otherwise
And I imagine you
In your jet black room
Just like who you were
As I told you
In one of my last texts.

I wonder if you go back
And revisit my poems
Looking for some kind of understanding
Letting a wash of feeling
Glide over your mind
Your desperately thin frame
And the little big things about you
It was so clear I wanted to change.

It became about
Who you needed me to be
But I think all that time
All this time
It was you, you weren't happy with
And I know it baby
I could read it all over your face baby
And I tried to build respect
Into mountains of love
Because you showed up and I thought
Well hell, why not.

Its taken me quite some time
To get to a place of romantic peace
It is the most quiet it has ever been
And in moments I feel so starved of affection
Knowing full well I could get it in little fleeting moments
Over dms
Over technology
As I explain to an LA girlfriend
With a boyfriend she met
Through screens
That I just don't know
If thats really for me
But thats what everyone does
Thats what everyone does
I guess I'll see
If I can just live and be cosmic.

I know how social and out in the world I am
And for this city
When time brings me there as it is meant to
I don't want to show up looking for a man
I want to live so good and well
And drink up the juices and tea of newness
And let the cosmos decide my fate.