So what is there to do now?

All this space, all the fractals
Appeared and hovered
I watched them like holographic
Pastel
Or an ink blot black
Fly me high up into the sky
With a profound perspective
A knowledge that sometimes
Many times
You have to go your own way.

Nothing looks quite like I thought it would
And I'm here in the Alabama sunshine
Just trying to believe in my grit
Just knowing I've gotta fight for whatever is next.

I try to find peace and clarity
The hallucinations and sparkling moving lights
Watching plants extend and reach
For me, for mine
It breathed life into me
How quickly things can change
So you really cannot depend on anything.

I'm sometimes over here
Wondering oh where, oh where
I'd been crying the name out
Of a man I know not
And sometimes I fear its just going to be a parade
Of never finding
Never choosing
Never being chosen.

Its never easy to see another one go
I comfort myself with words of reminders
And acknowledge the points within which
I feel drained like a rain cloud
******* me dry
And I look for happiness in other things
Today I mostly just laid in my bed
And in moments missed my ex's.

I wonder if they think of me
Think of me deeply
In this utterly strange
Severally cinematic time
And I believe the answer to that
Is a very loud
Thunderous
And colorful
Yes.

I release the spirit of the wanting
The spirit of the darkness I've been letting hold me hostage
I saw the glow and confusion
Of devices
And the hold they create on us all
In our day to day.

Its so hard to know where to go from here
As Sufjan reminds of Chicago's
Cold bitter resilient beauty
And I gaze out my window
Knowing its gonna be okay
Its gonna be okay.

I didn't know
What it meant
To be let go of so hard
Until you shoved me away
With such clapping
I heard the sounds of hands
Colliding
And grieved the loss
Of an audience member
I just wanted to hold space
Time
Refuge
Longevity
And that was never
Would never
Could never
Be you,
Sweet Cole.

I wonder if you like my friends photos
I wonder if you talk to them
I wonder if you think sweet
Or sad thoughts on me
The girl you pushed away.

Do you remember the first photo we took together?
I do.
Neon Summer
And we walked back
As you complained about your ex
And I remember
When I first agreed to be your partner
Proposed it even
And I figured
Why not
He's shown up
He's shown up
And at that time
I really needed that
And maybe that was just enough.

Its much quieter in my world now
Though drama seems to rear its head
In a new place
And I just long for silence
I just long for respect
I just long for the ease
That I very seldom have felt
And I know I'm ready
I've never felt so ready
For whatever is next.