I have not written in a long time
Haven't felt the urge

The sun is practically screaming outside my window
Begging for my attention
Glaring through the blinds
Spilling heat all over my bare thighs

The sun is practically crying at the foot of my bed
Demanding to be seen,
Demanding to be felt
But I havent moved in hours
And I might just stay here until it's time to sleep again

My eyes are open, staring at the uneven paint strokes on my bedroom wall,
Wondering why I chose such a striking blue for my safe space
I dont feel safe at all
I pull the covers to my chin,
But I'm not cold

I feel the baby kick in my abdomen
And I wonder if he's hungry
I should probably eat something
But the bread is stale
And the eggs are bad

And I'm tired

I'm just so tired

I rub my stomach

I break the silence

It doesnt shatter,

It just cracks kind of faintly,

Unevenly,

Weakly

I whisper
I'm telling my child it will be alright
But I dont believe me

I feel an other kick,
Not so sharp this time
Kind of lazy
I think we're losing our strength,
We need to move

I rise from the bed and let the covers fall off my shoulders
Like a corpse rising from dirt

I choose a stale pop ****
Baby seems calmer
I did it,
An other day

I stop in front of the window
Over the kitchen sink
And squint out at the back yard
I feel anxiety rising in my chest
And my eyes begin to water

Not again

I sit down on the floor
And I cry
And I cry
As the time passes

So slowly

Soon the sun starts to wither
Shrink
Retreat
And so do I

The fear in my heart is raging
It's the only source of energy I know

I am fading
Loosing substance
Becoming distant
Becoming nothing

Piles of dust on a mattress