You never wanted to hear
The words from my mouth
My body
You’d rather silence me
Because silence is the place
You feel most alone.

You silenced me one last time
Trying to wound me with one final move
But I cry no tears for you now
Though I actually meant no harm
And you could have seen that
You could have felt that
If you released your blades and guns.
Over screens, it’s all been done and gone
Over technological screens
I started to believe you didn’t even happen.
Until I saw the way your eyes glittered at my entrance in the cold winter bar.
And I guess there was no other way
For it to end than that
And I take in the heat of the world, the panic
The bad news echoing slowly around us
Hoping and manifesting for it to get better
For the pain around us to subside
It brought me back to you
Can’t you see?
It brought me to you.


And I tried to fall asleep
Feeling relief
Perhaps that’s the best bet.
Maybe it’s best to banish each other away.
But even still I hope it doesn’t last forever
I never wanted to be your enemy
Or someone you deny
Forever.

I’ve been trying to tell myself
Since you don’t have the ears to hear it
That it is definitely just too soon
And I know you felt like I was attacking you
And maybe I was.



I can’t pretend to be at peace with you
We cannot seem to be kind to each other for very long
The hole you left in my life
The clarity of who you will never be for me
It’s so loud
I’m still just trying to accept the noise.


I know it’s time to let go of communication with you now
And I’ve been doing my best to do just that
But we once talked everyday
And the feelings you gave me
And I gave you
It’s all still there
And it reverberates
With a loud pang
When you shove me down
When I shove you down
When I worry you want to hurt me
When you do things to hurt me
Even if you can’t see it
Even if you deny it.

“No more words”
He said
I am a poet
An activist
A director
A beacon of hope and light
There is no world that I exist in
Where I live a life
Of no more words.

You describe me putting **** on you
Like someone unaware of how to even specify and verbalize what their boundaries are
You cannot silently expect anyone to understand what your needs are
And you cannot perform micro-aggressions to someone like me and expect me to play along.

I hope you are gifted the absence and silence of me you so claim to crave.

But just know:

You will see me and hear my name everywhere.
You will watch my movies on your computer and in the theatre.
You will see my commercial ads pop up when you watch a show
You will see my face on red carpets and tv shows
And remember the girl you begged to be silent
You will remember the girl you blocked for speaking up
You will remember the girl you couldn’t bother to email back
You will remember the girl you pushed when she tried to embrace you
You will remember the girl you proclaimed to love, made drunken mentions of getting back together
You will remember how you apologized in one moment only to continue to add suffering the next
You will remember how you lied.

And how you walked a vivid red I know you won’t ever forget, home late into the night
Only to ultimately ask her to disappear from your life.

So mote it be.
And that, that right there
Those are my final last words to you.

And even still I say,

Be well.