On a blisteringly hot Thursday afternoon
I could feel tiny ***** dripping down my calf
Underneath my dark jeans
My sweaty palms lubricating the balance beam of summer I was teetering on
today I walked briskly in the same direction as men in suits
Away from the city
And in the opposite direction of kids my age, mainly girls
******* clad in clothing reminiscent of decades prior
Heading to one or two of several bars
That just happened to not care how old you were

Every day I would ask myself what stopped me
From conforming to what I thought I really wanted
I could very simply turn right around
Lose a few layers
And play dress up in a magical city I did not know my way around

I used to think I wasn’t alone, just lonely
but for weeks I was truly alone
But I was not lonely in Boston
I was alone but I sure as hell wasn’t lonely
I fed on the city I drank up every glass building overlooking the charles river
The stench of homeless men pitching camp in front of the world’s most prestigious university
Every ****** museum that looked the exact same as the last one
The rain felt different on my skin and petrichor snaked through every car on the train
Masked the smell of armpit and business and medicine and education

One day I promised myself I would sit cross legged on a stool
At one or two of several bars
******* clad in clothing reminiscent of decades prior
And order a whiskey neat
Or on the rocks or whatever
And wait until I became lonely
For real lonely
So that ordering a whiskey neat the second night
And the night after
Was okay