if I weren't on these meds
I might've cried
felt every time I said the wrong thing
or didn't say anything at all
roll off my face
and stain my laptop
with a tinge of mascara

if my esophagus weren't opposed to vomiting
I probably would've met my lunch again
would've been left heaving
gasping over a blue ceramic bowl
mourning my plethora
of mistakes

if I'd been home alone
I might even have screamed
howled
cursed your name
cursed my name
anything to get it out
of my clogged-up system

but I am on these meds
I haven't thrown up in ten years
and my mother sits on the couch across from me
so, instead, I'll escape to the shower
clean my body with broken nails
scrub my skin raw
reopen old wounds with a fluffy pink loofah

and when the water runs cold
I'll turn it off
lie on the floor of the tub
let the cold tile rattle my teeth
and I'll stay there in silence
until the faucet stops dripping