Mar 2020
I once thought about overdosing...
But this time my brain twisted it and was like "what if this time, you took one pill for every bad thing that has happened in your life or every bad thought that crossed your mind?"
It hit me hard...like really hard
So I thought about making a list to visualize it.
Here goes nothing I suppose...
> He touched me for the first time when I was 5
>He made me believe it was a game
>He hit me
>He threatened me
>Mom and dad argued
>More arguing
>Some more
>And more
>And some more
>And More
>I moved
>Got bullied
>Some more
>And more
>Started starving myself
>Ate less
>Ate one thing a day
>Drank Coke Zero
>Drank Green Tea
>Drank water
>Ate nothing for a day
>Didn't eat for three days
>Didn't eat for a week
>Fainted for the first time
>Saw my mom inject drugs into her body
>Saw my dad get arrested in our front yard
>Got a puppy, who my dad got rid of
>Got yelled at 24/7
>Got touched by the most popular kid in 7th grade
>Couldn't say bye to my friends
>Went to court to hear my mom lose her rights
>My dad died the day before
>I went to a mental hospital
>I learned how to self harm there
>I kept self harming
>It became more dangerous
>I tried to end my life
>I tried again
>I tried again and was saved by a stranger
>I tried again and got yelled at in the hospital
>Told my mom to leave
>I was alone
>I got adopted by fake people
>My grandad died
>My grandpa died
>I tried to end my life again in secret
>My adoptive watched me self harm
>I tried again
>And again
>Got diagnosed with major depressive disorder
>Got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder
>Got diagnosed with bipolar disorder
>Got diagnosed with OCD
>Started binging
>Starting exercising religiously
>Passed out from exhaustion 4 times
>Went to the hospital from the gym
>Vomited on purpose
>Almost got tubed 3 times
>Went to the same hospital 4 times
>The staff knew me by name
>Tried one last time to end my life
>Hated God
>Blamed God
65...
I would have to take AT LEAST 65 of whatever pills I had to overdose on!!!
That's a lot.
It's not worth it!
You are loved!
I am loved!
None of those things matter when it comes to you living your life and being happy!
You are priceless!
You are worthy!
You are enough!
You are beautiful!
You are handsome!
You are so amazing!
YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE!
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!
YOU DESERVE TO EAT!
YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FRIENDS!
YOU DESERVE TO CRY WHEN YOU WANT!
YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE WORLD!
Stand tall and please find your worth from within...I know that it's hard to believe someone who just writes to you about it.
I know it's hard when you feel so alone...
But I also know that you are strong!
You are resilient!
You are kind!
You are talented!
And you are brave!
YOU GOT THIS!
THE WORLD BETTER WATCH OUT BECAUSE THE REAL YOU IS ABOUT TO SHINE AND BLIND THE NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!!
But this time my brain twisted it and was like "what if this time, you took one pill for every bad thing that has happened in your life or every bad thought that crossed your mind?"
It hit me hard...like really hard
So I thought about making a list to visualize it.
Here goes nothing I suppose...
> He touched me for the first time when I was 5
>He made me believe it was a game
>He hit me
>He threatened me
>Mom and dad argued
>More arguing
>Some more
>And more
>And some more
>And More
>I moved
>Got bullied
>Some more
>And more
>Started starving myself
>Ate less
>Ate one thing a day
>Drank Coke Zero
>Drank Green Tea
>Drank water
>Ate nothing for a day
>Didn't eat for three days
>Didn't eat for a week
>Fainted for the first time
>Saw my mom inject drugs into her body
>Saw my dad get arrested in our front yard
>Got a puppy, who my dad got rid of
>Got yelled at 24/7
>Got touched by the most popular kid in 7th grade
>Couldn't say bye to my friends
>Went to court to hear my mom lose her rights
>My dad died the day before
>I went to a mental hospital
>I learned how to self harm there
>I kept self harming
>It became more dangerous
>I tried to end my life
>I tried again
>I tried again and was saved by a stranger
>I tried again and got yelled at in the hospital
>Told my mom to leave
>I was alone
>I got adopted by fake people
>My grandad died
>My grandpa died
>I tried to end my life again in secret
>My adoptive watched me self harm
>I tried again
>And again
>Got diagnosed with major depressive disorder
>Got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder
>Got diagnosed with bipolar disorder
>Got diagnosed with OCD
>Started binging
>Starting exercising religiously
>Passed out from exhaustion 4 times
>Went to the hospital from the gym
>Vomited on purpose
>Almost got tubed 3 times
>Went to the same hospital 4 times
>The staff knew me by name
>Tried one last time to end my life
>Hated God
>Blamed God
65...
I would have to take AT LEAST 65 of whatever pills I had to overdose on!!!
That's a lot.
It's not worth it!
You are loved!
I am loved!
None of those things matter when it comes to you living your life and being happy!
You are priceless!
You are worthy!
You are enough!
You are beautiful!
You are handsome!
You are so amazing!
YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE!
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!
YOU DESERVE TO EAT!
YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FRIENDS!
YOU DESERVE TO CRY WHEN YOU WANT!
YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE WORLD!
Stand tall and please find your worth from within...I know that it's hard to believe someone who just writes to you about it.
I know it's hard when you feel so alone...
But I also know that you are strong!
You are resilient!
You are kind!
You are talented!
And you are brave!
YOU GOT THIS!
THE WORLD BETTER WATCH OUT BECAUSE THE REAL YOU IS ABOUT TO SHINE AND BLIND THE NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!!
I really needed to write this to let others know that they aren't alone, but also because I needed to read it. Even though it came from my heart. I love you all!
