I have dependency issues.
I imagine
to my friends,
This will come as no shock.
But I’ve recently begun to understand
How  I cling to the people in my life desperately
As if they were my only lifeline
And how unhealthy it is
it leads to overstayed welcomes
and long hugs (that they don’t enjoy)
I send late-night texts trying to confirm that they care about me

My mom never really gave a ****
Even the times it seemed like she did were just to bring
down the impact of her manipulative behavior

To normalize my abuse

it worked

She only slapped me twice
But she taught my brother how to hit
so much harder

I never realized there was anything wrong
I thought this was what everyone lived with.
I’m still so used to taking care of myself.
That I have a hard time
Admitting it’s my parent's job

“I’m 14, I can handle myself”

that’s how I tried to convince CPS there was nothing wrong
After I told a teacher that
I should be kept away from high places

It was a joke

When my earth is crumbling I shade my sun with a red and blue moon.
I hope the hues of comedy
will mix to form a perfect periwinkle
But instead the contrasting strands tie me in a
mismatched world of juxtaposed emotions

Ups

And

Downs


Gas-lighting teaches you a binary world
I see no nuances of gray
Sometimes the whites, and bright vivid colors can be alluring
But the pitch-black is inescapable
And every time I see it coming
I cling to any affection I can
The moment someone gives me attention, I fall for them
Just in time for them to lose interest in me
Leaving me perfectly ready
to crumble to a  
m i l l i o n    p i e c e s  
at my next obsession’s feet

-4:00 am Thoughts