my mom told me
to think of the struggles i faced three years ago,
and how i wasn’t facing those obstacles any longer

but i still am,mom

i’m still silently drowning in the hole he dug for me three years ago;
people keep coming along and making it deeper

they widen my roots making me weaker

i no longer feel my feet on the ground
i’m stuck feeling the depth of the water,
i’m still breathing with my head submerged

and he keeps coming along,
kissing my blue lips every time my face reappears

then pushing me under once he is done

my friends tell me he is toxic
that he is ruining me and that i should leave

but he is guarding the exit
and after three years i cannot lift myself out of the past

so i will let him keep kissing me.

until he steals the breath that is left from my mouth and makes it his own

until my head does not appear again, then he will finally go home


i would still rather die with him
than try and survive this alone.