Sep 2018
Why does seeing him still fill me with so much anger and hatred.
I've written about him a few times, just to get him out of my head.
But every time I see him, I get those memories back again.
I know that many of the memories are good and peaceful.
But I can't help but think they were nothing but a bunch of lies.
I mean, to read a text from someone saying they didn't mean it.
That they only said they love you to make you happy.
But they didn't really feel that way about you at all.
I meant it when I told him that I loved him, and I thought he did too.
I thought he meant it when he kissed me, and held me in his arms.
I thought his words were honest, but they were all lies.
He was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear.
He wasn't being honest with me, or with himself.
And that would make me spend so much time with him.
I spent countless times over at his house with him.
We would kiss, and I thought we meant something.
But apparently, I was the only one with any real feelings.
This makes me afraid to get close to another guy now.
Mainly, because I fear that when someone says they love me, it's a lie.
I'm afraid they'll say it just because they want me to be happy.
But that, they're lying when they say it to me.
Now, I haven't been with anyone since him.
And that's partly due to my anxiety that is very bad right now.
But when I'm ready to hang out with people, someone might come along.
And when that happens, I don't think I'll be able to help but be scared.
I just don't want to repeat what happened with that other guy again.
It happened three times, over a span of my last two years of High School, and my first year of being out of school.
So now, I think I have my mind cleared again.
At least, until the next time I happen to see him.
And the other thing is, if I talk to him, those feelings with come back.
I can tell, because if he talks to me, I'll remember how much I love him.
But that's bad, because it's one sided, and I don't know if he even cares.
He might've said he preferred me as a friend, but he's never messaged me since.
His final message was "Goodbye forever."
I mean, that's pretty cryptic, and it hurt for a bit.
But the next day, I realized it didn't hurt, because I was over it.
The second time we broke up, I really loved him, so I couldn't seem to get past it.
But this time, when we broke up last year, I couldn't care anymore.
I'm not sad, I don't mourn this break up, it just angers me.
Knowing that he never really loved me, that angers me.
I wanna ask him why he did that to me, but I doubt he remembers.
Alright, I'm done now.
I guess I just needed to rant for a while again.
Now that I've said this, I think I'll have peace for a while.
I've written about him a few times, just to get him out of my head.
But every time I see him, I get those memories back again.
I know that many of the memories are good and peaceful.
But I can't help but think they were nothing but a bunch of lies.
I mean, to read a text from someone saying they didn't mean it.
That they only said they love you to make you happy.
But they didn't really feel that way about you at all.
I meant it when I told him that I loved him, and I thought he did too.
I thought he meant it when he kissed me, and held me in his arms.
I thought his words were honest, but they were all lies.
He was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear.
He wasn't being honest with me, or with himself.
And that would make me spend so much time with him.
I spent countless times over at his house with him.
We would kiss, and I thought we meant something.
But apparently, I was the only one with any real feelings.
This makes me afraid to get close to another guy now.
Mainly, because I fear that when someone says they love me, it's a lie.
I'm afraid they'll say it just because they want me to be happy.
But that, they're lying when they say it to me.
Now, I haven't been with anyone since him.
And that's partly due to my anxiety that is very bad right now.
But when I'm ready to hang out with people, someone might come along.
And when that happens, I don't think I'll be able to help but be scared.
I just don't want to repeat what happened with that other guy again.
It happened three times, over a span of my last two years of High School, and my first year of being out of school.
So now, I think I have my mind cleared again.
At least, until the next time I happen to see him.
And the other thing is, if I talk to him, those feelings with come back.
I can tell, because if he talks to me, I'll remember how much I love him.
But that's bad, because it's one sided, and I don't know if he even cares.
He might've said he preferred me as a friend, but he's never messaged me since.
His final message was "Goodbye forever."
I mean, that's pretty cryptic, and it hurt for a bit.
But the next day, I realized it didn't hurt, because I was over it.
The second time we broke up, I really loved him, so I couldn't seem to get past it.
But this time, when we broke up last year, I couldn't care anymore.
I'm not sad, I don't mourn this break up, it just angers me.
Knowing that he never really loved me, that angers me.
I wanna ask him why he did that to me, but I doubt he remembers.
Alright, I'm done now.
I guess I just needed to rant for a while again.
Now that I've said this, I think I'll have peace for a while.
Getting over a break up is hard enough. But when you know it's finally, and you were the only one who was actually in love, that's when it can just turn to anger. That's where I'm at. I'm not sad, just angry with him, and that might never change. But once my anxiety is under control, I hope I meet someone who means it when they say they love me. Until then, I just hope that I can forgive this guy one day, and I do hope he has a good life, and meets someone who makes him happy. I just hope he treats he right, and is honest with her. Don't do what you did with me, don't lie. Okay, that's all.
