i remember the first time you said you loved me
the day is as vivid in my head as if it occurred only yesterday
we were under a pine tree
          not my favorite tree
          but one that was hidden so my parents couldn’t see
we were 14
we were talking about guys
          your hand in mine
          we were sitting so close that our shoulders were touching
          i could feel the heat radiating off of you like i had my own
          personal sun
you were in a white t-shirt
          my favorite because it made your skin glisten
          and your eyes sparkle
          but i never told you that
i was using a stick to dig a hole
          i joked that i was going to dig to the other side of the world
          to find a new guy
you told me not to go
and that i shouldn’t look for someone new
i asked why
and you replied
          “because i think i love you”

as a young girl
i dreamed of this
          i wanted to be loved
          to feel the power i was told it carried
i just never expected love to look like you

you knew i wasn’t expecting this
my cheeks flushed to the surface with red
and i sat frozen
as if time itself stopped so i could live in that moment forever
i didn’t know what to do
you could see the worry growing on my face
and instead of getting upset about not reacting the “correct” way
you gently grabbed my cheek and pulled me into a kiss
          you said it’s okay
          tell me when you are ready
          tell me when you are sure
i was cautious and scared
i didn’t say it back that day
you were understanding
you knew i wasn’t going to say it until i was absolutely sure

two weeks later
we were lying in my bed
you could tell i had something to say
i looked at you face
          studied every inch
and then i blurted out
          “i love you”
you gently laughed and said
          “i know”
in that moment
i thought we would last forever

you were so gentle with your words
and your fingers felt like silk on my skin
you were everything a girl wanted
          right up until you weren’t
i don’t remember a single
“i love you” after that day
          not because we didn’t say it
          but because we said it so often that it became a habit
those small moments that disappear seconds after they happen
i don’t remember the last “i love you” either
          because you never know when the last is the last
          until it isn’t heard again

i am forgetting what it felt like to be in love with you
          regardless of how you really weren’t in love with me
          or maybe you were to begin with
          but i don’t remember the shift
          from genuine to fraudulent
and now?
now i am even more terrified to love again
to allow someone to so easily sweep me off my feet
to allow someone to see so many parts of me
          and treat it as if none of it mattered
my biggest fear?
is to say “i love you” to another human
with the passion and sincerity i had for you

you were such a good actor in the play i didn’t know was happening
until the curtains were dropped
and you called scene
          claiming you want me to find someone
          who loves me in the same way i love them
i love with honesty
compassion
fearlessness
stubbornness
and passion
and up until that moment
          i thought you had too
it turns out you should just be awarded actor of the year
because how am i supposed to know when
my force of love is being reciprocated
or if it is just another performance to make me vulnerable?