You still cross my mind more often than I'd like
Like today
I want to cry
for want of you

It makes my heart squeeze
Have you been warm enough
these past cold nights?
Or have you been driving, always driving
in your longed-for leather jacket?
Does your subconscious [heart] ever turn the wheel toward us?

Then I think of who may have kept you warm
That makes me flush with anger
and a bitter taste fills my mouth

with the metallic twinge of blood
I spit out your name

It is not my care anymore
How warm
Who warms
You
Are
Not
My
Concern
[Care]
[Possibility]
[Hope]
Anymore

the next day

Time
it flows
Today I am more distant
I know I should give up on you
You are not as magnificent as I thought you were
even Yesterday
Or you wouldn't have hurt me
us
you
so
Yes I know you must be hurting too
Or... at least I hope you do
Selfish thought but
I don't want to seem so trivial in your mind
though I wish I could make you trivial in mine
Then I might be able to
Move on
But today I know I should
We'll see if that happens

the day after that

You were never really mine
And Yet I feel you were stolen from me
By whom?
By him?
By them?
By you.
I know it's unhealthy
but still
I curl up in bed at night
And sigh
What some might think
Relaxed
but with a deep Sadness
All I can think is
"It was you tracing hearts on my back
with your fingertips"
Not the other way around
And I wonder if I'll ever feel your touch
Again

after three gin & tonics

I am an adult.
I will hold myself together when you walk in
I will not manically plead with your best friend
"why doesn't she want me??"
Fluctuating
Breaking down
Being mature
There is no reason
my
... discomfort
should bar you from fun.
Except I still want to break down
Typing this and putting a fake smile on my face
Like all is right
Going to **** the dance floor with
My heels
My pain
My tears

and later

I hate you
No
I hate me
In a voice more raw from
Smoke or emotion, I'm not sure
Wipe away your thin black tears
Go home
Don't be a sniveling *****

She wasn't meant for you

five days later

Silly, silly me
Thinking my Life empty without you in it
We spent more weeks Without you
Than with You
I hope you're happy
Wherever you are
And with whom
And with who you are
If ever you feel
A You might mesh with an Us,
Come find us
Until then, this pity party is over
Teardrop confetti dusting the Floor
Balloons, and Heartache, released [relieved] into the Atmosphere
My Life is full, even when my eyes couldn't see it through the Haze of my tears
Blessed be, dear one. <3