your identity of claim wasn't intentional -
it just was.
you were the wind behind the open door and
the fastened clip of the safety belt and
the doormat to wipe shoes on and
just hidden in the shadows.
the girl in the background.

the shadows were lonely.
dark.
frigidly cold.
(and safe.)

alone = isolation = solitude =
(no one to break your heart)
(no one's heart to break)

--

the girl in the background

started to fade away

between blackened flashes
(headaches and near-faint dizziness)
failing sanity
(misery)
and helplessness
(the sudden complete inability to smile)

to a more visible color

hovering at the stage left edge.

--

your friends found you.

walked with you the week you couldn't smile.

let you hide in shelters of too-long hugs
(until your heartbeat slowed
to match the steadier beat
and you started believing
in the idea of not being alone.)

held your newly-trembling hands steady.

gave you commiserating smiles and stories.

talked you down from the overwhelming terror.

dragged you bit by bit further away from the shadows.

--

the girl in the background disappears

around the time you start
saying back words like
"I love you"

to people who will undeniably leave you.

to people without the tie of blood-relation
because they have earned your trust
and someday is always too late.

--

the girl in the background
never had anyone
to rely on

--

you wake up to everything

three weeks starved of your lifelines of beating hearts

half a step away from the spotlight

the girl who doesn't quite stay silent (not anymore).

--

people expect you to say things, now.

expect you to be calm and speak.

(words tangle amidst languages,
get lost between
one synonym
and another
and another.)

you stay quiet, and you know the hurt you see
flash across
is not a product of your imagination.

(you miss it, a little. being the girl in the background.)

--

deadlines loom above your head,
T minus 5 months

After that: gone.

--

you'll miss them.

as things are progressing at the moment,
they'll miss you.

if you could do it, though,
fade back to black
(lonely distant shadows)
they might forget.

(forget you.)

it would hurt them less, in the long run.

--

(the girl in the background starts to make her comeback.)