someone is standing over me
as i am hunched over the toilet in the bathroom
after a long night of drinking
and i wonder if they look at me the way i look at myself
the tear stained cheeks and the gagging
trying to get rid of the alcohol
that i used to drown my sadness for a night

and one night turns into ten
and drinking turns into smoking
because being high means more laughter
and laughter means i don't think about how
i want to die
because multitasking isn't my forte
especially when my mind is gone
i wish i could be gone too

i talk about how i've tried to **** myself 9 times
and my friends think i wouldn't try it again
"thank god you're still here" they say
but they don't know that i'm an atheist and
thanking god has not been on my to-do list in years

when i say i'm getting bad again
i don't mean i know you noticed that
i'm not smiling as much anymore
when i say i'm getting bad again
i mean i dream of self-destruction
and tearing myself down after i've built myself up
is all i'm good at.