I wish that I
Could figure out the perfect little way
To start this off
But I'm not really sure.

I know that you know
That I've always been better
At expressing myself poetically
Than anywhere else.

It has and is
Incredibly painful
To see someone new next to you.

Time hop reminds me when I let it
Of the snowfall we felt
How I stood at the top of your steps
Posting our love, sharing our love
Sitting on your couch so stead fast
But with such a restless drive
I remember the way your face would look
Deep in the night
As that love started to fade
A look in your eyes like you just couldn't wait
For it to not be me
Or for me to be
What you hoped for.

I tried to be all those things
Sitting at the table with your friends
A decade older than me
Dressing and behaving like I could keep up
Trying to prove the little that I had here
I would tie myself up with bright string
Trying to display to you how I was trying.

You bought a wreath
A Christmas tree.
I imagine your new little family around it now
Salt candles, pillows, a piece of jewelry
A dog that I acted like was mine too
I know you remember
I know you feel it deeply too
And if it were me
Standing next to someone new
Sharing our love
Showing our love
Even as a new man left my bed this morning
And I don't say that to hurt you
I say that because I'm still not over you.

So I'm treating you like an addiction now
Because thats what you have become
Though I can easily peep through the willow trees
Fall backwards into pampas grass
Or twirl myself neurotically through spanish moss
And still there is this little iron rust filled interior part of me
That wants to take you back with open arms
That wants to kick everything you have now out the door
That wants to be the slightly older, more mature
Less to prove me now
For you
For your friends
For your family
In mickey mouse ears
But maybe a button down shirt instead.

Was that what you wanted
I'm not sure what you wanted
You often say you didn't love me because of my brilliance as an artist
I remember the bathtub
Where I swam and wanted you to see
How I could easily fly through the sea
I remember you watching me
As we both tried to pull and push each other
Into the vastly different chapters of our lives
I often felt stress, anger, and a longing to leave
Coming back with big doe eyes
My skin ready for you to kiss
Lying down onto my stomach like you liked
Ready to be yours at any given moment.

I did do all that
I did rest on all that
Cutting my hair shorter and shorter
Until it all ended and I couldn't stand the sight of it
Of remembering you pulling it
Of remembering how men in the past
Had gotten such say, such control over it
And even still
Try to bestow their opinions upon me
So with sharp scissors we kissed the remains of tendrils goodbye
You would later tell me that you wish
You wish that it was this version of me
The ever powerful, pixie cut, slightly more jaded me
You could  have had.

At dinner
With shots of jameson
Your friends have all unfollowed me on Instagram
And I think of your rapid tilting voice
Informing me that you have never said an unkind word
Knowing how you are brutally honest
Knowing how you sometimes overshare
Knowing how society is so quick to turn its back
On the woman deemed young
Crazy
Emotional
Wrong.

I'm smarter now
I'm more brilliant now
I know you know this
As I sat in the chair that massaged my back
Looking out into the tree covered hills
That made up Peoria, Illinois
It was there in that pink princess bed
That I mourned the end of you and me
And I sometimes wonder if I always sorta knew
Hanging on to when our next flight would be
Our next adventure
In my little black bathing suit
The one that makes me look just like Marilyn Monroe
Standing in the sunshine
You on a business call
Snapping photos of me
And slapping my *** all at once.
The picture in the silver frame
Long gone
But the ability to un-know
What was in it.
It was there in those moments that I poured my everything
Into you
Into what it was
Behind the fur covers, in the expresso drinks
In how I portrayed our love to the world.

Like I was this soon to be up and coming thing
And here you were
My knight in shining commercial tv
Ready to wrap your arm around me
Put a ring on my finger
Start anew
"I think I've been waiting for you all this time."
You told me in the beginning
At what we would call Hickory Jawn.

But its all over now
We know this
And this is where I always land
After I work through all the beautiful sensual moments
Where you would speak to me in such a filthy way
That I had nothing left to do
But to release myself onto you
To turn you on in that young little way I hope I always
Secretly do
But to let it go
To see it for what it is
"Beleaguered father"
Beleaguered father.

I love you still
I wish I didn't
I think and trot around town
Some weeks caring nothing at all
Feeling the pain of not understanding
How you could have someone stand, sit, dance
Where I once was.

Its like I said
I suppose it is easier for men
Like a whiff of smoke I disappear
From your life, as your possible wife
Knowing I gave up that title
The moment you raised your voice at me
And would later chalk it up
As though you and your friends believed
I was overreacting and should understand
Thats how humans treat one another.

I don't know Cannon
But I know that I cannot keep aching over you
I cannot unfriend you
Block you
Avoid you
All I can do is hope that time will continue to pass
Somewhat swiftly
So that I can continue to become
Not what once was yours.

Because the truth is Cannon
That is how people see me
That is how people, your friends
Your peers
See me
Because we live in a world
Where women are misled
And I hear the croon of crows
Its all in your head
Its all in your head.
Perhaps not.
Women are thought of as a second best bed
And everyday I fight to become just who I am
In a place that feels very much
Like its your land.

But I know that it is not
I take up time and space
Like in this poem right now
Writing into what sort of feels like
Somewhat endlessly
I imagine you
Receiving my words
Reading them in your bathroom
Or at a later time
When you don't have to hide
Those dark brown
Expressive eyes of yours.

I know I have written and chimed
I know I have been ugly and loving
I know exactly the ways in which you let me down
And everyday as of the moment
Because its true, this too shall pass
I know that when I sat across from you at dinner
For the first time
My hair long and blonde
My lips green
I thought this was it
I wanted to think this was it.

I don't think or believe in such extremities anymore
On the surface I think we both hoped for so much.

Sorry. Thankful. Onward.
We ink it into the body we once shared
Knowing there is no going back there
And that the day you see me finally shine on
You will understand better
Why I wrote this.

So yeah
Sorry. Thankful. Onward.
I can't pretend you don't exist
I'm sure we will see each other again
As the snow falls
And the weekends were once ours
But its all gone now.

Its always been all gone.