today my two cats turned fourteen
I wonder if they know
do cats feel age?
I don't want to

the water is no longer hot by the time it reaches the drain
it drags down straggling pieces of hair along with it
as I pull them out of my red itchy scalp
my hair is too long not to brush anymore
and i can feel more and more falling out every time
each strand is a thought
a struggling idea that wants to live but cannot
washed down the drain before i choose to act on it

I use two different kinds of soap because I like the smell of both of them

i realize that the moment between the kiss is better than the actual kiss
the longing, the reaching
the mixed breaths rolling in and out of open mouths
tells a much more beautiful story

I scrub at my face
I feel the rough spots, the bumps
I scrub harder
even though i know that no matter how hard i wash
it will not become clean
I will not be vibrantly beautiful
like it is in my dreams
and as i stand (or sometimes sit) in the never-changing shower
I realize that my life
will never be as vibrant
as my dreams