may 20, 2017
i woke up at 5:32AM and took 4 prozacs,
clawed at my leg until it bled,
drank half a bottle of NyQuil,
and woke up the next day.
i have yet to figure out why.

may 21, 2017; 9:00AM
i woke up and thought i knew who i was
i fell asleep and somewhere in between i lost myself.
i lost all feeling in my stomach too
but She was still talking about how much we have in common.

9:25AM
my shirt got stuck on the hanger that morning
i started to rip it down
eventually i broke plastic and sanity
i haven't been back in my room since.

11:17AM
my friend had ignored me all week
11:18AM
i messaged her and mocked our friendship.
11:18AM
she was in D.C. for a school trip and had to leave early. she didn't know.
11:19AM
i broke down crying.

1:25PM
my friend and i decided to see a movie to shoo the pain away.
i guess i've been happy the past few days
i suppose it's the meds
but i still want to **** myself
because soon i'll be drowning in depression
and succumbing to anxiety.

2:56PM
i mentally lost myself
i screamed into the mirror
and it wasn't me talking to myself.
i don't really remember being there
but the blood on the floor tells otherwise.

5:00PM
i ate for the first time in days.
the empty feeling in my stomach was drowned out by food food foo-....
food i don't deserve.

9:43PM
my best friend told me they loved me for the first time since august.
i cried a lot.
for them.
for myself.
i burned everything in front of me with a single touch,
and their body banished those three words from their tongue.

11:37PM
i fell asleep with an ounce of sadness,
but a wave of love.