May 2017
What a city to be sad in
But I find myself smiling in the blackness of the night
It’s unlike any other sadness
Unlike any other blackness
It’s almost like coffee
Warm, bitter, but it fills me with vim and vigor
I can’t help but take another sip
I can’t help but let myself slip
I’m glad though
That of all the places I could’ve picked to be sad
That I picked this city
Its tall buildings stretching to the skies
“Space needle”
Ever lovingly injecting the veins of the cosmos
With that electric ****** that breaks hearts so easily
That hazy neon buzz up in the sky…
It is our drugs, which we pump into the night
But like I said—I’m glad
I’m proud of my human arrogance
I allow myself to revel in the marvels that it has made
Arrogance illuminates us like that faint twinkle of the stars
Nestled deep up in that black mass
A glow
Hope
Something to hold on to
Even when we’re sad
Sometimes I think I’d still be off in the **** hole I rolled out of
If I were ever capable of truly, and earnestly loving—falling in love moreover
Maybe then this would make more sense (This loneliness I guess)
As for now though I have no explanation
For my grief
So in my absence of reason
My debt to my heart grows/goes unpaid
Until the day I drown in it
As if love were an inexorable and starving beast/wave
To hunt me down/crash up against me
But in truth
I suppose I like the attention
The strife
This city is nothing to me
I lust/long/live to leave it
There is this innate sense of starvation
Throbbing in the core of me
I cannot feed it; I’ve tried for the life of me to see past my insatiable hunger for life
“The Life”
That’s the dream that all of us busy bees buzz on for
Like dying neon we flicker and click
Year after year
Life after life
Death after death
We yearn to live a little
Before we die
I’ve never met anyone though who has made it out of life happy
We’re all just zombies
Un-beautiful creatures that dredge on the same way the storms will always roll
The same way trees will always grow
We just go
On and on
And on
And on
At least this city has a view—even if it’s just a picture of itself
This city is so consumed by itself; it’s a snake swallowing its tail
Of all the universes/galaxies/star cluster/solar systems/life sustaining planets
I’m stuck in this one/on this planet. Maybe I’m just depressed but sometimes I wonder why we can’t be chewed up and spit out by a black hole
All the scientists say there is one forming
That black hole devour all the empty space
That they eat everything, and all the nothing in between space and time
I’m all for anything that promises to strike the ‘nothingness’ from “me”
Me
I use that word like I own it
“me”
I find it strange what we consider ourselves to be
Am I soul or a heart or my clothes or my ****?
I suppose what we are is decided by who perceives us
All I see when I open my eyes and look around
Is… dreamers
Eyes bright like stars
Scanning, monitoring, skimming
Shooting flares and in the wake of their gazes
They burn everything in sight (everything they can see)
It’s said that eyes are portals to the soul
If that’s true
Souls must be horrifying things
Payday is tomorrow for me
I am proud of myself on payday
Even though I still can’t afford my wonderment to come true
I am happy that tomorrow I’ll get to eat
Thought I may be eating alone, sad, and in this city
I’ll get to eat
I’ll taste the warm flesh of fresh baked bread
The cold trickle of ice water down my throat
I’m proud of myself because I can afford at least that
I can eat
I can eat!
I CAN EAT!
On my dollar
On my blood
Sweat
I spent billions of years floating endlessly out there in the blackness
To smash atoms and come together from excess stardust (wasted stardust)
And become a hu(man) so I can waste my life
Slaving away for bread and water
And to burn all my savings on love and hurt
**** everyone who says life is meaningless
I admit it!
I admit that I’m depressed, that I can be suicidal
I admit that I don’t care sometimes
That sometimes the swerve and flow and siren songs of this city makes me want to jump off a bridge and splat like asteroids against atmosphere
But you know what?
I’d say all this feeling, these emotions
They’re worth the billions of years my atoms wasted trying to find themselves
All the pain and suffering is better than being as uselessly mysterious as black matter
Twisting and growing out in the empty (empty?) space between stars
Even if I die in debt
I’ll be happy that I lived
That through all the tremendous moments of un-defeatable darkness
I decided to live
It hasn’t paid off yet
But I live in faith that it will before I die
That I will make my name ring like war drums through this city
That my name will be at the tip of every tongue
That my name will stamp every atom and molecule of my people
Here in this city
In every city
On this earth and on every earth
In this life
And in the next
After this death
Until my last.
But I find myself smiling in the blackness of the night
It’s unlike any other sadness
Unlike any other blackness
It’s almost like coffee
Warm, bitter, but it fills me with vim and vigor
I can’t help but take another sip
I can’t help but let myself slip
I’m glad though
That of all the places I could’ve picked to be sad
That I picked this city
Its tall buildings stretching to the skies
“Space needle”
Ever lovingly injecting the veins of the cosmos
With that electric ****** that breaks hearts so easily
That hazy neon buzz up in the sky…
It is our drugs, which we pump into the night
But like I said—I’m glad
I’m proud of my human arrogance
I allow myself to revel in the marvels that it has made
Arrogance illuminates us like that faint twinkle of the stars
Nestled deep up in that black mass
A glow
Hope
Something to hold on to
Even when we’re sad
Sometimes I think I’d still be off in the **** hole I rolled out of
If I were ever capable of truly, and earnestly loving—falling in love moreover
Maybe then this would make more sense (This loneliness I guess)
As for now though I have no explanation
For my grief
So in my absence of reason
My debt to my heart grows/goes unpaid
Until the day I drown in it
As if love were an inexorable and starving beast/wave
To hunt me down/crash up against me
But in truth
I suppose I like the attention
The strife
This city is nothing to me
I lust/long/live to leave it
There is this innate sense of starvation
Throbbing in the core of me
I cannot feed it; I’ve tried for the life of me to see past my insatiable hunger for life
“The Life”
That’s the dream that all of us busy bees buzz on for
Like dying neon we flicker and click
Year after year
Life after life
Death after death
We yearn to live a little
Before we die
I’ve never met anyone though who has made it out of life happy
We’re all just zombies
Un-beautiful creatures that dredge on the same way the storms will always roll
The same way trees will always grow
We just go
On and on
And on
And on
At least this city has a view—even if it’s just a picture of itself
This city is so consumed by itself; it’s a snake swallowing its tail
Of all the universes/galaxies/star cluster/solar systems/life sustaining planets
I’m stuck in this one/on this planet. Maybe I’m just depressed but sometimes I wonder why we can’t be chewed up and spit out by a black hole
All the scientists say there is one forming
That black hole devour all the empty space
That they eat everything, and all the nothing in between space and time
I’m all for anything that promises to strike the ‘nothingness’ from “me”
Me
I use that word like I own it
“me”
I find it strange what we consider ourselves to be
Am I soul or a heart or my clothes or my ****?
I suppose what we are is decided by who perceives us
All I see when I open my eyes and look around
Is… dreamers
Eyes bright like stars
Scanning, monitoring, skimming
Shooting flares and in the wake of their gazes
They burn everything in sight (everything they can see)
It’s said that eyes are portals to the soul
If that’s true
Souls must be horrifying things
Payday is tomorrow for me
I am proud of myself on payday
Even though I still can’t afford my wonderment to come true
I am happy that tomorrow I’ll get to eat
Thought I may be eating alone, sad, and in this city
I’ll get to eat
I’ll taste the warm flesh of fresh baked bread
The cold trickle of ice water down my throat
I’m proud of myself because I can afford at least that
I can eat
I can eat!
I CAN EAT!
On my dollar
On my blood
Sweat
I spent billions of years floating endlessly out there in the blackness
To smash atoms and come together from excess stardust (wasted stardust)
And become a hu(man) so I can waste my life
Slaving away for bread and water
And to burn all my savings on love and hurt
**** everyone who says life is meaningless
I admit it!
I admit that I’m depressed, that I can be suicidal
I admit that I don’t care sometimes
That sometimes the swerve and flow and siren songs of this city makes me want to jump off a bridge and splat like asteroids against atmosphere
But you know what?
I’d say all this feeling, these emotions
They’re worth the billions of years my atoms wasted trying to find themselves
All the pain and suffering is better than being as uselessly mysterious as black matter
Twisting and growing out in the empty (empty?) space between stars
Even if I die in debt
I’ll be happy that I lived
That through all the tremendous moments of un-defeatable darkness
I decided to live
It hasn’t paid off yet
But I live in faith that it will before I die
That I will make my name ring like war drums through this city
That my name will be at the tip of every tongue
That my name will stamp every atom and molecule of my people
Here in this city
In every city
On this earth and on every earth
In this life
And in the next
After this death
Until my last.
