I shut them up. The feelings.
I tell them to keep quiet so I can pretend they're not here.
And they do, they are silent.
But it should make me feel good and it doesn't.
I just feel nothing until I feel everything together.

There are days and weeks and months of nothing.
Of ignoring the pain in my heart hoping it'll go away
if I pretend it's not there; of holding back tears when
they threaten to fall, until my head hurts with the
effort; of telling myself it's all alright and I'm actualy
okay; of being numb and empty. As I supress the bad
feelings, I also supress the good ones. I feel absolutely
nothing.

And then, out of a sudden, resulting usually of too much
time alone and overthinking, the feelings can't be controled
any longer. And I cry, and it hurts like hell. The feelings scream
and kick and fight because they don't wan to be silenced again.
And there's this voice inside my head mocking me and telling
me they'll always be there even if I pretend they're not.
I know, it doesn't matter what I do, they'll win anyway.

But I shut them up again.
I may not win, but I keep fighting.
I have to.
One day, I hope, they'll be gone for good.
And then I'll enjoy the silence.