Apr 2017
When was the last time something reminded you of me and other questions i ask myself till sleep decides to leave me. And then in a circle my thoughts run.
1. Are we holding hands because we are in love or is it because my hands are used to holding on to yours? Is it because the tenderness of the moment warms me to the core or is it just because my hand is no longer familiar with what it was like to be held by emptiness?
2. I don't know if it's in my head or if it is just a phase of love? Maybe if it's a phase, it will be where after days of anticipation and waging war, we get to meet and I start waving my hands cheerily at you and you wave yours back, just to have you walk past me. Like how in a dream every thing remains unfamiliar till our eyes focus on something we know. Maybe I'm all those moments before you find your clarity.
3. It's sad how the prolonged absence of something makes us incapable of enjoying it sometimes. I've got so used to not having your undivided attention that on the rare moments that I do have your eyes accidentally meet mine, I fluster and stutter. I used to think it was the slight nervousness that love causes except it does not feel like love at all.
4. We made a promise that we won't hesitate to ask for help if any one of us needs it. Then why is it that lately I can't get myself to ask anything of you? Maybe, maybe it's because once I get something I want, I rarely ever know what to do with it? And I don't want the same to happen to you. Or maybe it's because you can't ask what broke you to fix you back. If they could fix you, they would not have broken you in the first place.
5. I have always been more darkness and need than I was ever light and love and I thought you knew that about me. I thought you knew that despite all my limitations, my love for you knew no limits. I loved you like any moment an apocalyptic thunderstorm would strike us and that would be the end of this opportunity to feel. Then why is it now that I want to curl into myself? Why does being near you makes me feel like I'm corrupting you? Why is it that I shrink away from your touch choosing the shelter numbness has given me, graciously
6. There's a point before the storm wrecks you where you can feel it stirring already. A point where you realise you're abandoned even before the bed sheet goes cold.
1. Are we holding hands because we are in love or is it because my hands are used to holding on to yours? Is it because the tenderness of the moment warms me to the core or is it just because my hand is no longer familiar with what it was like to be held by emptiness?
2. I don't know if it's in my head or if it is just a phase of love? Maybe if it's a phase, it will be where after days of anticipation and waging war, we get to meet and I start waving my hands cheerily at you and you wave yours back, just to have you walk past me. Like how in a dream every thing remains unfamiliar till our eyes focus on something we know. Maybe I'm all those moments before you find your clarity.
3. It's sad how the prolonged absence of something makes us incapable of enjoying it sometimes. I've got so used to not having your undivided attention that on the rare moments that I do have your eyes accidentally meet mine, I fluster and stutter. I used to think it was the slight nervousness that love causes except it does not feel like love at all.
4. We made a promise that we won't hesitate to ask for help if any one of us needs it. Then why is it that lately I can't get myself to ask anything of you? Maybe, maybe it's because once I get something I want, I rarely ever know what to do with it? And I don't want the same to happen to you. Or maybe it's because you can't ask what broke you to fix you back. If they could fix you, they would not have broken you in the first place.
5. I have always been more darkness and need than I was ever light and love and I thought you knew that about me. I thought you knew that despite all my limitations, my love for you knew no limits. I loved you like any moment an apocalyptic thunderstorm would strike us and that would be the end of this opportunity to feel. Then why is it now that I want to curl into myself? Why does being near you makes me feel like I'm corrupting you? Why is it that I shrink away from your touch choosing the shelter numbness has given me, graciously
6. There's a point before the storm wrecks you where you can feel it stirring already. A point where you realise you're abandoned even before the bed sheet goes cold.
Pls leave me alone and walk away. Then I can mourn you properly
