When I was eight I used to ask my mom
Why daddy was so mean to me
She would tell me to talk to him about it.
I remember throwing up
Like the bones of my guilt were piercing my throat
Like I had taken one too many cookies from the forbidden jar
Like I was doing something I wasn't supposed to
Something bad.
The one time I did talk to him
I pulled the strings of my heart's corset loose
And let him see the emptiness left there
He yelled at me again, making me cry.
I always ask myself if I would rather have divorced parents
Or a parent who guts me like a dead fish daily
Even after many apologies
I lay naked and bruised
Upon the lies I tell myself to stay sane.
I tell myself he doesn't know the impact of his words
Swift blow to the belly
Swift blow to the mind.
I tell myself he will get better when I come home from school
Until he finds out I am sharing skin to a girl
Until he finds out where my skin has been.
I tell myself none of it matters
But I feel guilty when he brings up my weight
But I feel guilty when I take my medication behind his back.
I feel like a shadow of his sins
And a ghost of his future
Lurking in the shadows
As he tells me the same things everyday
And I wilt silently in his suffocating grasp
Forever lonely,
Forever alone.
When I was eighteen, my dad told me he was sorry
For all the years he hung my by the noose of comments about my appearance.
I thought he meant it and I forgave him
I should have known better than to trust the butcher.