Jun 2015
Searching for peace
Amsterdam in 1998
Not all of 'i' returned in 99
But i was confusing
Happiness with contentment
Still searched, relentless
Even after the implosions
Decided to give myself
To the highest feelings
(when I still had feelings)
To join it, not become it
You seem to search
For my stupid opinions
Now, listen
I breathe out
Now, i can
'paranoidly'
Recognise some of your
Patterns, are you trying
To force me to reject
And fight you?
You had everything
You needed beforehand
And you abused the hand
You fed from
I want to forgive
I want to forget
(more than I already do)
The struggle
Would be good for me
I know that.
I know that
You should never allow
That
(paranoid again, sorry)
I want my arms
To encircle and crush
My current existence
But currents and vibes
Are all your creation
And my inflection.
I really dont think
I need your arms anymore
(sure, it would be nicer, maybe easier)
But if you knew me before
Why are you surprised?
I knew kids could be cruel
Tougher lesson is
Knowing adults never grow anywhere
And have more tools of manipulation
Than an innocent at the point of
Creation.
Amsterdam in 1998
Not all of 'i' returned in 99
But i was confusing
Happiness with contentment
Still searched, relentless
Even after the implosions
Decided to give myself
To the highest feelings
(when I still had feelings)
To join it, not become it
You seem to search
For my stupid opinions
Now, listen
I breathe out
Now, i can
'paranoidly'
Recognise some of your
Patterns, are you trying
To force me to reject
And fight you?
You had everything
You needed beforehand
And you abused the hand
You fed from
I want to forgive
I want to forget
(more than I already do)
The struggle
Would be good for me
I know that.
I know that
You should never allow
That
(paranoid again, sorry)
I want my arms
To encircle and crush
My current existence
But currents and vibes
Are all your creation
And my inflection.
I really dont think
I need your arms anymore
(sure, it would be nicer, maybe easier)
But if you knew me before
Why are you surprised?
I knew kids could be cruel
Tougher lesson is
Knowing adults never grow anywhere
And have more tools of manipulation
Than an innocent at the point of
Creation.
Just a recent paranoid drunken rant I recorded on my phone - I still blame the rest of the (outside of my head) world for my problems when i know I need to accept my situation and not try to assign blame for anything (been doing this in my head for the last 15-16 years - and still reached no conclusions that are satisfactory) - but the best things in life are hardly ever easy and the other voice is always there (but less with meds) - just it is always easier to blame others I guess - also I need to talk to a counsellor but I cant trust humanity at any level outside of temporal situational trust with current friends and when I am alone all that trust dissolves in quicker moments than it takes to remind myself to recreate it the next time I am around them.
