the emptiness i feel
          a gaping hole in my center
is not relief like they suggest
          the bursting in my heart
          the tearing, searing feeling
is not happiness or new found holiness
          today was not the resolution
but another day in hell
          the hottest yet
          what happens in 9 weeks
does not go away in one day
          i did not want to remember today
          how it felt, what it looked like
but now i feel robbed by the anesthetic and ativan  
         i do not have the closure
        how do i mourn what felt like a dream

suffocating guilt
unbearable loneliness

and so much red.