They've moved on
I am stuck - oscillating
Moving and immobile
Cycling through memories
Nausea, pain, no relief
Suspended in a reality
They are unwilling to recognise
Better to hide behind closed eyes
To ensure their own pleasure
Can be chased
While I pray to porcelain gods
Begging for a break
Desperate for comfort
Terrified of connection
Clawing at intimacy
As if sure it will disappear if
I so much as blink
Their disbelief dragging along my collarbone
Their impatience lancing through my jaw socket
Their indignation sliding down my bicep
Their ignorance burrowed under my shoulder blade
Their dismissal coating my pelvis
That is what he put in me-
When he crossed that boundary
Forgotten latex in pursuit of self-gratification
No protection from the devastation
And they chose him.
Consequences that rip my skin
Decimate my identity
The violence of their abandonment is unrelenting
In its refusal to let up let me go let me be

It's never Just
It's never Only
It's always Ruin

The breeze lifts branches and leafy fingers wiggle warmly in welcome
As older generations lean over cots to coo and soothe newborns
The barely there breeze washes away tension carried on the back of birdsong
And I am recharged under the sun's careful eye

I look down and my sadness
weighs on me
I am heavy with hunger
But it is nothing like the weight
that my body is forced to carry
that I am forced to carry
After years of
shovel hands
thunderous teeth
kilos slip from shoulders to waistline
Legs might be stronger
But my back breaks all the same
Wretched, ravenous
Abstinence makes the mind grow obsessive
But a four days of counting and
no dress for the occasion
without looking fit to burst
Hot flash of anger in the pan
Sizzling shame
My faults spilling out for all to see
How utterly unappetising
So when my mouth waters
I look down

Pockets of joy and unburdened silliness
But now I sit in a chilled bath
Wishing away hot tears
Lonely as ever with my heart's love in the room next door
I can contain all this, but would prefer it be a day
Not so commercially wrapped up in enforced gratitude, platitudes
Peace and goodwill
My chest aches
No hunger to be sated
But sickness is heavy on me
May a morning of box shredding
Bring lighter winds to carry me through

one more breath cycle and sleep will claim me
i lie to myself and press against the mattress
but nothing lulls me
and i'm left with my thoughts
rolling and sticking
coiled trip hazards
slippery and i'm caught in the net
forced to sift through carcasses
gutting myself with a barnacle-hugged blade
at this point i'm destructive
no talking me down from the crow's nest
i'm battering against the logic and softness
of his back, his sleepy sighs
desperate to be asked to stay
more sure that i'll leave
the comfort of this bed
i'm saltwater savage
unrelenting with rage winds guiding
my push and pull
too far too much too little too late
uncontrollable, frantic hands can't hold me
i'm wild and free and frozen by my shortcomings
lazy
and bucking wildly against the confines of a label
tears sleuce
and i gasp for breath
this sofa offers no safe passage through the night
my journey goes far beyond and I'm scared to land ashore
not trusting my own soul
to harbour my teacup heart's latest storm
carried in on rising moon and ebbing hormones
there's no solace in the tug and slip of the tide
against a shoreline I've willingly left
in the dark, glasses pushed to my nose
laptop in hand
to hide behind manufactured light
instead of basking in his glory
fraudulent, a failure
but he's far too forgiving
and tomorrow he'll welcome me back
in the hopes my demons have returned
to the depths for the moment

I have a sob stuck
in my lower right lung
it won't (or can't) dislodge
on its own
twisting, dancing, laughing,
stretching, forcing - nothing works.
Little pops and groans as muscles
protest and I along with them
hate moving every which way
but the pressure is mounting
so I keep trying to worm this
little collection of tears
down and away.

I imagine the lobe like
a jacket's third pocket
pressed against my ribs
safe and secret
close to my vest.
Perhaps that's why
it got trapped there
it's warm, feels secure
and near the feeling part
my traitorous heart
so I try coaxing the tears
with sad thoughts and fears
but to no avail
it won't get lost
or maybe it is lost
because sobs should be stuck
in throats
not in lungs
not that my body has ever
done its job right
all mixed up signals
weak muscles
too-old bones
and feelings aren't supposed
to sit in the meat sack
rattling skeleton
clogging arteries
stealing breaths
though my lung's filling fine
despite this new obstruction.

The little sob in my chest pocket
whose zip teeth won't unclench
so my back is up
unsure how to carry this extra weight
without giving out
body caving in
and I'm on my knees
emotionally capped
carrying this orb of sadness
all blue and heavy and wet
it's no surprise the sob
wanted a place to rest
so constant, predictable
expand, release
breathe in, exhale
rhythmic and vital and alive
tapping into that space
a reminder, a grounding
present and here and continuing on
survival mode engaged
motions and habit and back to basics
until I can tap into the memories
the fears or the thoughts
that chased this sob from tear ducts
to ribcage for safe keeping.

A wire has come loose
Connection faulty
Body fraught, skin hot
Electricity misfires
Muscles spasm
Energy bubbling
In my scapula
Mouth corner slipping
Arm numb
Palm sparking
Twisting and stretching
Satellite sobbing
Deep breathing
No relief
No change
Constant dissonance
Disturbance
Distance
Between realities
Skin deep and surface
No mental switch flip
I'm present, with it
And utterly frustrated
Body in disarray
Thoughts gathered neatly
It makes no sense
This physical betrayal
And the disconnect
Exhausting
Unrelenting
On edge
Over it all
Invisible lights blinking
Guiding path
To misery and beyond