I met a girl when I was drunk
We sat on a couch, closer than strangers might
Usually sit because our legs brushed whenever we
Moved, and
With all the people rushing past I couldn't help
But think how romantic it was,
Just getting acquainted
With the background noise of a small house party
Because our conversation was innocent and
She acted differently than all the other
Drunk girls

I noticed her smile was shy but her conversation
Was intense; her eyes lit up when she talked
And the way she looked at me
When I told my story, let me know she was
Really listening, and I think that says a lot
About the girl I met on a couch
When we were both
Drunk

I do not recognize the image in the mirror
Staring back at me with red weeping eyes
Eyes that only wish to see someone else
Someone better

But the image won't change, and I panic
"If you don't calm down I will send you to the ER again"
My head is pounding, why can't I just act normal?
I'm not insane, I know it

Anything but the hospital again, please
There is nothing worse than those fluorescent lights
And the sympathetic smiles of strangers

I do not recognize the image in the mirror
Glaring back at me with disappointed eyes
Eyes that wish I was someone to be proud of
Someone that isn't me

My mother tells me I have no
Compassion because of all the
Nice Boys
I have broken, the ones who really cared

My father asks if I will ever find a
Man, one good enough to
Keep around, as if it is my
Standards that are impossible

But there are so many memories I'm afraid to tell
And so much weighing on the truth
I've been hiding

Last summer I felt real pain in my heart
For the first time in my short life
Because she made me feel
Normal,
And then she left

I've spent a long time hiding in shame, but
Something has got to
Give because
It is only a matter of time until
I finally break

I sit here alone
And contemplate
The small plastic bottle
That holds my fate.
And on that note,
I sign off dearly
As the girl
Who wouldn't see
He was standing in front her
willingly.

I stare at you
Sitting in front of me,
And I feel horrible

You ask me why we haven't
Spoken in weeks and I'm
So sorry, but this time
I am the villain and you
Are the innocent
I am the user, and you
Are the used

I can't explain why I
Do the things I do,
But I hope you can feel my
Sympathetic stare on the back of your head
And realize I never meant
To hurt you

I've decided to stop
For real this time, I won't go back
So please stop texting me with lies,
I am trying so hard to build
Enough confidence to tell myself I
Don't need you anymore
And you're making this
Really hard
I'm tired of coming home sore
With no excuses left to tell myself anymore,
So please let me be,
I have decided to stop
But that word doesn't seem to be in your
Dictionary

Today before I left for school
I went through the old photo albums in my house
I took out two pictures
My mom and dad at their wedding
And my dad dancing with me when I was still a little girl
On my walk to school I started crying
So I took out the pictures
My mom looked beautiful in her dress
More importantly she looked happy.
My dad stared at her in a way I've never seen before
He was happy too
He looked proud to have me
I could tell
And for a few seconds I felt better
But then I thought of them now
I thought about how my dad is always gone
And how my mom doesn't talk much anymore
And the sadness rushed back.
It still hasn't left

Seven months wasted, because when I think
Of us, I think of the day you
Told me I wasn't thin, and the nights
You would tell me to leave you alone
And the next mornings where
I was expected to be in your bed
Followed by the day
You dumped me because of a
Pregnancy scare,
And how I was always too
Childish
Or how I wasn't allowed
To hang out with other boys
The day I dyed my hair, you said you liked it better
Before, and when you got mad
Because I didn't want to ******* right when
You wanted it,

So when I think of
You,
I think of seven months wasted
And no, I don't smile

Maybe had I been Alice I'd be more fortunate
I'll fall into one of my day dreams and get out of this town
What does it take to slip into that happy fantasy?

But instead red drips pretty
It pools and forms beautiful roses on the bathroom tile
Can't pick them up, they don't smell like flowers

If only I had met the rabbit down the hole
Maybe he could have shown me the real flowers in that not-so-real world,
That life of adventure would be enough to make me happy

But my roses are fading along with the rest of the room
Turning into black, and I'm eye level with these pools of pretty
I guess this is me slipping out of this dreadful town into my day dreams, finally

So we sat there
Pipe in hands
Singing our favorite songs
Listening to our favorite bands
And those few minutes
Sitting close on those rocks
Made quite the difference
To the order of my thoughts

So he left,
Which is okay

Music is playing,
The Velvet Underground

I'm alone,
But not lonely

When I was ten I would go to work with my mom
She worked at a preschool in a not-so-great town
There was one girl who was my favorite
Her name was Trinitaria.

During nap time she asked me to lay with her, so I did
And I remember she said things to me
That I didn't quite understand

A few days ago I took a child abuse prevention course
Because I'm working at a camp this summer
I went home and asked my mom
About Trinitaria, what happened to her

She looked surprised and worried
She told me her adopted father sexually abused her
It was an ongoing case that I was too young to understand

This course I took taught me the signs of abused children trying to open up
And I suddenly realized I could have helped my friend Trinny

But while her innocence was being stolen, mine was busy shielding my eyes and hiding a reality
She couldn't escape from

Twilight laughter from two children
Jumping on a trampoline, kissing because
That's what they were taught to do
And he grabs her hand and hushes her
Twilight kisses into the house,
Up the stairs with the door
Closed behind them
And she has a shy smile while
He can't stop looking at the floor
But these twilight children make sure they are
Quiet, mimicking their parents because
His father is sleeping downstairs
So they kiss off their clothing,
Pretending they don't want their
Twilight innocence, eager to
Experience something new, telling themselves
They are all grown up
But they are wrong because
When she goes out to dinner she still
Begs for dessert, and he
Refuses to sleep without a light on, awaken by
Nightmares of the future

But the twilight laughter is stolen and replaced with
Midnight panting in a hurry to
Grow up, giving up innocent youth
In an attempt to love, and that is one exchange
You can never reverse, and that is
A mistake we're all guilty of

I miss my twilight laughter

Take it back, please
I do not want
Your gift anymore because
It lives in my sheets
Making it hard to sleep
Every night
I am thinking
About him
And whether or
Not
My gift hides in his
Sheets, or
If it is tucked
Away in a closet
Of embarrassing laundry
His mother will never
Clean