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Lola N Mae Sep 2011
He answered the light
in a distinguishing screech.
When lungs panicked,
he yelled
as his heart slowed
to a moonless night.
Run quietly down
                             down
                                    down
only wonder.
Lola N Mae Sep 2011
Read these faint pages
scrawled with hazy emotions
that cut in through my heart
and spy on its shadows,
spilling ink into my veins.
My bones wait, resigned
again to be stained black.
Lola N Mae Sep 2011
Oh blue, oh blue skies have no flaw, no cloud
only what is crisp, cold, frozen color
How pure, how blemish less this sky unbowed
It does not drift, it only stands taller

And then, when the day begins to descend
this blue, this blue, will struggle with the dark
they will battle and feud until they blend
and this glorious blend will spread and spark

This blue will surrender to the darkness
and black will engulf the wide and strong skies
Night will replace day, slowing and ageless
I will miss you quiet blue hue, wait to rise

Rest beneath the stars, and wait until day
and tomorrow the clouds will soar and sway
Lola N Mae Sep 2011
This is who I am and it will always be ILLOGICAL, IRRATIONAL and above all, STUPID.

I miss you.

You don't understand me. Its not feasible. Everything won't work. You won't work. I won't work. We won't work. You can't reason your way out of this. Not enough time. Not enough time for me. Not enough time for us. It would've ended anyways he tells me. I tell myself this over and over. Convince yourself, I AM INDEPENDENT. I will vitalize and intoxicate myself by myself. Thats what people do everyday. The issue being, I am not a genuine person. I persuade and assure myself I can handle this role and it satisfies my craving for normalcy. I'm not a gifted actress. I lose more and more social contacts due to this complication. I must learn from the independent ones so I can stop breaking apart these silly boys limb by limb.

You must stop making them care for you. You are not a whole person and therefore cannot be an authentic concern of others. You are imaginary. You are empty. Two opposite minds, insanity and sanity, fighting over the same body is an immense misadventure. Insanity wants to ******* boys, intently watching the peculiar escape routes they design. She sneers as they try and try, withered by a constant sense of defeat, each of them exhibiting exciting, unique and new qualities. She forces the body's muscles into a terrifying object. Then she denies his superiority complex of its primary function as he realizes that this damsel is in a permanent brand of distress. Sanity, however, is fleeting. Sometimes, she truly gives a **** about others. She is the pure example of meek, anemic and decrepit aftermath. She is selfless for selfish reasons. She wants them to adore her. She will exceed expectations, impresses and astonishes them. The product of this relished humanistic quality, acceptance, nourishes her. She savors boys who tell her she is strong and capable. Lies lies lies lies lies is all they speak. Its been too many years. She's forsaken by insanity.

Never enough time for this. Nobody has enough time. Who will give me the time? These days the clock shows seamless progressions to worse and worse. Sleepless nights remind me of night after night after night of our restless, unsetting and ineffective dialogues. Lets just go in circles for a little longer. Why not a little longer? Where do I find someone willing to linger with insanity? Just give me more time. I need a few more moments with real people to feel okay. Let me practice my part with you. Coach me. Tell me what to do next. I'm craving a sense of reality. I trusted you with it. Give it back. Give it to me. Let me have it. Feed it to me. Now.

I kid myself. If you get to know me a bit further I might let you peer at my Dali-esque picture of the present. Wonderland has me descending head first down the rabbit hole. Alice found herself stationary, bruised and filthy with temporary madness years ago. I've kept plunging for decades after and suddenly I'm gaining speed. Momentum, its all about physics. They throw ropes, then yarn, then thread to me. Once again the thread brushed my skin and I found possibility. The sensation of active nerve endings engaged my curiosity. I search for the sort of matter that could interrupt this regression. One faint wonder to what could have been is met by pathetic and pointless conclusions.

You are so associated. Everything and everyone is marked by inclinations. What affects you is the fact that you are now aware of it. You recognize that I see something different in you. I see something unusual. I see a habit. Nouns are consistently becoming verbs. You are not beneficial to this at all. I allowed you to be my unhealthy. I linked you to infection. Is that why I need you so badly? Is that why I want you back? You gave me composure from your expectations.You raised questions and I gave you the appropriate answers conjured from my ideals. I store a list of rules that are rarely followed. I let you in on every ***** secret so I had to abide by constructs of sickness. I had no other choice.

Will I ever be able to do this? If this is me and I am me forever who will swallow it? Who will take responsibility for my downfalls? Faults that are too confusing for explanation are menacingly sweet if you hold inquisitiveness, in place of a heart, on your sleeve. I can't understand. You can't understand. There is no more on and off switch somewhere in a dark basement. I'm not twelve anymore. I can't blame mommy and daddy. Its all my fault. I got myself here. It's my transgression. Don't you dare blame them. Recognize my liability. I ****** up this time but I found an oddity; I found perfection in this imperfection. It's something of a conundrum.

Computer science is fruitless thinking. I AM NOT A MACHINE. I am not a computer, not a mechanism, not a problem. I am not a riddle to solve. I am contradiction in every sense of the term. Its broken, shattered and pieces have gone missing. They were outdated and oppressive. They were thrown out, burned, buried, and forgotten. Once treasured, they became cumbersome and then dropped along the way. With them, logic vanished beneath my feet. Its gone now. I'm gone now.

Weightlessness necessitates a higher being than the imperfect human. It requires me to remain underwater, letting go of the compulsion to meet the surface for air. These ancient seas compel me and draw me further down with their loveliness and passion. I am mesmerized by the mania involved. You won't spot me in the engrossing waters. The black surface holds many afflictions.

RUN. FAST.
Lola N Mae Jun 2013
Unconscious of facts
Stomach fibers dig holes
Searching for lost memories
Of natural order

What dignity is found here
Head between knees
Squatting naked at the far end of the shower
Gulping air
Spitting, tasting, burning, drowning
Striving for cleanliness
Yet ***** with buttered bread and sugar

Afterwards
I fasten my grin too tightly
pinching
I wish they were deaf
Lola N Mae Sep 2011
Today
was not a slumber like yesterdays dream.
I cannot breathe this day.
I cannot breathe this year.
It is January in here
and the earth is still bitter under my feet.

to
         day
today is
today is not

I will stare at this calendar,
s h a k e n,
until January is constant
and tomorrow will never arise.

Yesterdays dreams do not ride the current
Boasting naive rationale
But this calendar,
it exhales a solemn whisper
"yesterday is still today,
tomorrow is not yet awoken,
not until you are sour,
not until you are sour"
Lola N Mae Sep 2011
I have favors to give out today, the brilliant and fantastic kind that could evoke something lovely. I don't know in what, where or even who I will give them to but I know. I can feel it, its been running up and down my spine all night. I want to be a part of this fever. You did it. You accomplished it. I am stuck with you forever unless you let go. Are you done now? Your the only one that can fix it anymore. Nobody else remembers me. I miss them all though. I really do. You remember, before you took me for yourself while they sprinted from the mania you whisper. I remember. I remember standing frozen while you pushed them away from me. You hurt them. I have nobody else but you now.

You swallowed me up. I survive feeding off of you. I have to stay here now unless you reach in and pull me out. You comfort me and tell me that if they really loved me as much as you do they would still be here like you are. You repeat it so often. I believe you. I still do. I am yours because you truly love me like none of the others could. I still love you. I still want you to love me more. I only want to make them care again. Your the only one they get to worry about anymore. You take it all away from me.

You bring them around and make me electric with their touch. You make me feel like an authentic person again. You tell me I deserve this. I forget about you a bit as you begin to creep under their skin. You use me to distract them. Pain. You show them pain and fear and the pure deep insanity of this all. You show them the wreckage and then rewind the tape, slow it down a bit and press play. You can't keep showing them the end of the story. I cannot keep trying to convince sane people to board a plane thats planning on crashing mid flight. It makes me look crazy. Sane people don't like crazy.  Instead, as they always do, they run from crazy.  I don't chase them anymore like I used to. You told me not to.  Chasing for love implies weakness and weakness deserves punishment. I don't chase anymore.

I'm urning to be moving for no reason other than progress. I'm so tired of falling down while the rest of them are pushed further and further away. Let me go. Let me walk forward. Its been 10 years since I crashed into you. I was running so fast that day. It was a mistake, I tripped and fell. You licked me up with pretty promises of pink ballerinas. Now, let me do this just this once. I'm still 10 years old with you. I'm still here. Why am I still here? This began so long ago my love. Why are you keeping me here? You have such a nasty habit of pushing me down as soon as I place my feet outside the bed each day. You kick me down so hard that the bruises and cuts won't heal anymore. I can't wake up another day because I know what inevitably happens. When I sleep, I'm afraid to wake up. I'm scared that I'll forget about you for just a second and won't brace myself in time. You won't let me forget about you, even for a moment, will you?

I keep wondering when you'll push me a little harder and I'll fall backwards. What happens then? What if you make a mistake? I am not a strong as I used to be and you keep telling me to get stronger. I try not to sleep anymore. Alarm clocks are terrifying. What did I ever do so wrong? Did I really come out that bad? Was I really meant to end up here? Did you have your eye on me all along? I've just been waiting around for so long. I don't know what's after this place. I couldn't tell you what the others know about.

That uncertainty is what keeps your knuckles white and fastened to my wrist. You told me I can't catch up anymore. You told me again. I get it. I'm here forever and its useless and stupid to think otherwise. But maybe I want to be stupid. Maybe I am a naive *****. Call me a naive *****. Say it. I just want to try one last time. A bit of light wind would do just fine for me. Thats all I need. I just need a hand up from the ground. You never thought I was good enough anyways. Don't you want to get rid of me and find a better one? I'm getting older and sicker. We don't have fun anymore. You never smile at me. I don't laugh anymore. I can't put up a fight when you trick me. I just flop around like a rag doll in your grasp these days. Why don't you go find a new one? I'm sure she'll be more exciting.

I only need an easy push in the right direction and then I'll be gone from here. You can hunt and chase down a lovely new one. She's sure to be much lovelier that I ever was. If I get up and walk again, soon enough I'll be running again. My hair will fly and tangle itself in the wind. You wouldn't want to fix up that mess anyhow. I would only need a moment to figure out my way. I have so many favors to give out today, so many favors for them to adore. I want them to adore me. I would even give you a few in exchange for this  gust of life back into my dead bones. Just one. Thats all I need. One favor from you. Only one. One. 1.
Lola N Mae Sep 2011
Hush hush.
Sunbeam, stop talking.
It's still dark in the air
and I'm falling,
sailing the deep and tranquil seas.

Sunbeam, drown me out.
I'm not ready for the sky.
The future is on the bound
and this is too much.
I've lost myself again.
Collapse, don't blink.

I'm wrapped in cotton.
Don't make a sound,
for a little longer.
These bitter sweet dreams
are only too familiar to my sleep.
They have known and forgotten,
******* in stories.
Just rake it all in
and lay claim.

Sunbeam, tick tock.
Unfold me.
Hail these pages turning
as this scenery grows.
Lola N Mae Sep 2011
Gleaming beads of desire
descend from morbid clouds above.
Each one whispering
its miserable tale to the voiceless wind.
I strain to listen to the hush of silence
as the world flows by with piercing clatter.
I reach out to each drop
in hope of hearing a single soft word.

But each one slips off my fingertip
and plummets to the steaming tar below.
I glance at the dreary sky
filled with the nightmares
of flawless angels above,
The dreadful knowledge they conceal beneath their wings
is unfolded with every strike of golden lightening.

Yet not one conscience creature listens
for we are too occupied to notice,
the silent thunder of distant choirs
humming tunes of angels' tears.

— The End —