We met in an aquarium
Next to sharks and jellyfish and rays
We had only spoken for a few weeks
But you were already latched into my brain

And we strolled through the Electric City
Your hand, and mine
Einstein's theory of relativity
Was the epitome of our time

Rain poured, then it left
And we were greeted by the sun
And I didnt need to have my eyes open
To see the rainbow that day
When we collided inside of color
We kissed inside of color

My love makes me feel valuable
As if I'm the very last postal stamp for his bill payment that HAS to go out today.

He knows my worth,
He presses me to his lips,
Keeps me in the thoughts of his home and all that is dear
But instead of keeping me tucked inside the safety of a drawer
He sends me into the world
With his love, because love is the only thing we give that actually pays back
And I will collect and accumulate and travel and eventually
Come home.

Today
your voice
came into my mind
And I felt the stormy blues
But then I asked myself
"What is the point in even missing you?"

The reality is short and sweet
Like your favorite peanut butter snacks
That once took over my apartment's cabinet
I'd save them, assured you would come back

The reality is you won't.
Even if you knocked on my door,
Missing something faithful and true
I know what I know just as much as you've known what you knew

That you'd never admit your mistakes to your friends
Highly influenced by their opinions
Highly influenced by our differences
And yet you spin the wheel,
Manipulating their perspective
Like I'm daft just because I'm in this process of transition

God forbid you don't have some structure in your life,
But even more so God forbid you have an ever-adapting and changing wife
Because the reality is you won't find a partner who isn't transitioning
Between growing to different levels
A different person every decade
She could be a business owner one year,
then regress to a stay at home mom, having spit and crayon on her face every day
Is this your fear?
But what about the moments between,
That are still, like calm water?
You wont see growth but it's happening
But I know you- you'll never stay to see
Because stagnance is a red flag to you
you'd rather chase the white foaming edge
You'll never see the calming storm on the sea
You'll never know your destination's end
And I feel bad for you,
In your infinite search
Never content

So
If you couldn't accept me in my still moments
When my world is asleep
When my water is still
When I'm in hibernation
And preparing to bloom
When you couldn't just love me
despite my winter
What's the point of missing you?

I tore our pictures down
Like how a coyote
bites off its own leg
Trapped in dissolution
I wasn't going to pretend it was all
Okay

Trapped in the crumbling skeleton
The carcass of us, a victim of time
Why did you let it go so far then?
When it was already eating the flesh of mine?

Instincts told me of your disapproval
Instincts told me you were ashamed
But tell me, former lover,
Why did you smile,
Every time I called your name?

You were in my dreams
Now you're in all my nightmares
**** abandonment

Deleting old pictures,
Scraping the bones
From memories that sting
When we were happy and didn't know
That your feelings would change
Like a switch to a light
Like the seasons, or seconds
Like day to night
And I wanted to hold on,
but I knew it when you chose flight

Now I'm looking at my walls
Deciding what to do next
How can I move on, when you were the best?
Your mind always wooed me, despite your chaotic and dark eyes
You were Hades to my Persephone
But you won't be back this winter's time

Now 'Motion sickness' by Phoebe Bridgers
Is playing on repeat
The lyrics are heaven
When my heart is taking Hell's heat
I'm healing from this whiplash,
What the hell happened?
It was a waiting car wreck
And I carelessly kept my seatbelt unfastened

But Phoebe is keeping me company
And her music is like a drug
Distracting me from my enemies
And keeping my heart numb

I just thought you were the one.

It wasn't a battle if wits
It was two people observing
The same structure,
                                   Differently
Like an abstract blot chart
You saw a web, but I saw a tree
you saw getting caught,
And I only saw growth
Your heart was timid
Like a shaking windmill to a hurricane
My heart was ready to take oath

Your projected manifestations
Burned holes in my head
Making me question
My own worth instead
It warped my reality
Of the timelined events
And now all I've known feels
Twisted

And its hard to look at the stars now,
And not think of your eyes
You have freckles inside your irises
Constellations better than the sunrise
Your shoulders were mountains I loved to climb
Perhaps I climbed too high and was too exposed to the cold
Contagious dialogues,
Viruses for the soul

And now I grieve as I
Shake off the snow.