i know i'm not as sad as i let myself believe
but sometimes it all just feels so real

what is this in front of me?
this false notion of what i'd like to be
take it away; i can't see
this is too painful to be a reality

i'm caught up in all the wrong things
and got my affections stuck in all the wrong places
silly me, will i ever learn this time?
i've been here a thousand times
and all i've done about it is rhyme

there really is no excuse;
maybe i am just a desperate soul
but i know the truth and i think that makes it worse

come here
don't come here
hold my hand
but not my heart

i just need someone to love me but i don't want to fall in love.

i look out windows a lot
and read books than go out
and i think people are crazy
but i also think they're alright

is it weird that i've got friends i can count with one hand
but i've got fears that go past numbers i'm too lazy to pronounce?

here goes,
me trying to put my thoughts
into words

i have to be sly and slick and kind of quick,
because my thoughts tumble over one another
and get jammed somewhere in the middle of my brain
and disappear without a warning,

so i try to capture them at night
when they run by the multitudes
and are more prominent in my head

sometimes i catch a lot of bad ones
and sometimes it makes me want to hate myself
but i catch good ones too,
and that balances it out for a while, i guess

maybe i should get up and take a walk to breathe in fresh air

or maybe you should come here,
and i could breathe you in instead

i think that would be much better for my head.

without You here i can't see;
i may as well be blind

You called Yourself Light
and it seems i've crawled inside a cave because all i see is darkness

(i am so so so sick of myself)

when You look at me,
what do You see?

do You still feel the love You've had for me
when You were dying on a rugged cross
at Calvary?

i've touched the holes in Your hands
and i ran away in fear because i finally understood that You are who You said You were

and i am a mess, i am a mess, i am a mess
and i let go of my Maker's hand to dance with a world who wanted nothing but to **** His Son

Jesus Christ, will You still believe me if i tell You that i love You?
after all of these things that i do?
i feel like i can't keep up;
my sins are swallowing me whole

Jesus Christ, i want to fall in love with You
i'm trying to grab a hold of Your cloak
but the crowd has trampled me under their feet and i can't get up from the ground and it's getting really cold

Jesus Christ, i know You love me
and sometimes that can be so hard to believe, but i know that it's true

because even when i was drowning in iniquity
You were still holding out Your hand and whispering that You still love me and Your love is unchanging and faithful and full

and when You saw me at my worst—
You still chose to bear my sins
upon that ***** jagged wood

in this darkness, Jesus Christ, it can be so hard to see,
but i believe You when You said
that You have never, not once, left me

*You love me,
You still love me,
You will still love me,

i am still Yours
and You are still mine.

it scares me how hungry my heart is
how it needs and feels so much
i'm scared of how it rages on
suddenly and relentlessly
and most of the time i don't know how to calm it,
i don't know the right words to say to remind it that what it wants isn't necessarily the right thing

how it just breaks
it breaks so much, i think it breaks everyday, and it breaks for the littlest of things
the things that shouldn't matter
but my heart swims in pain anyway

i'm scared of how much it can feel,
doubling the intensity of everything
both a curse, and a blessing

joy and pain are real
and they can both hurt and feel good
at the same time

I know this because i know you
and you make me feel them all the time

i'm scared of my own heart because i know what it wants

you

it beats your name like a morse code
day in and day out,
and that's all it ever does ever since you've been gone

i'm scared of my heart,
of how much it loves something that's gone
i'm scared of how much it loves you.

restlessness grips me
and loneliness settles in

squeezes me in its hands
and refuses to let me go;

i've come to realize that there are people who emphasize this misery i'm feeling so i shut the door and windows close and i don't talk

and all i have become
is alone.