If  only I were able to be a more perfect me
I would finally be all the world thought that I  should be

The many failed attempts I have made at fitting in
would be erased, no longer for the world to see


If only I knew how to be that more perfect me
I may finally feel comfortable sitting in my own skin.

I could put away the plethora of mask I've worn, and
instead of being runner up the real me could actually win

How is it possible for me to feel utterly alone and at the same time completely suffocated by the people that are surrounding me.

Almost like I'm existing in an out of body experience that has gotten stuck in limbo, doomed to float along side sadness in an empty sea.

Before things even get close to becoming remotely "right" an unseen force, more likely tho it is just me, shifts the balance back  dangerously close to the "wrong"

I feel like I'm twisted amidst a tornado of loss that is sending me plummeting viciously toward the rock face unfortunately I  can not avoid impact for very long

Despite my relentless struggle I find no freedom from this compulsion's grip keeping me confined inside my own subconscious cage.

I agree that living is naturally hard as hell and it takes work to keep a smile on but not even my perfectly painted pretend smile can hide this soul full of sadness, lost hope and rage.

If the parts of me that are worn to show the world could mirror what I stow away deep inside, I wonder if anyone would even recognize this person that the see

Hard as it may be, alone in  silence within this world of only me, I am haunted by the fear that I wont remember how to be part of a world constantly  humming with We.

I must resign to the fact that you not are here to hold my hand , able to wipe my tears away, to the painfully reality that you are far beyond my reach.
              


I know there were times when you thought wasn't listening , just know I heard all your words and now it is those same lessons that I am trying to teach.
        
                         For, I have not forgotten my way home.


There is so much that now stands between you and I , forever separated by immeasurable distance, never ending time and everlasting space.
      
                    

I manage to find some solace in the memories we have made, although harder it is becoming to even hear your voice let alone picture your face.  

                       Still I have not forgotten my way home.


I became lost in my own sorrow and the path leading to the other side at times can be so very dark, it feels like insurmountable twists and turns are constantly blocking the way.



Keep those big brown eyes focused, anything that comes easily is just not worth doing, the voice in my soul reminds me of theses words you used to say.

                      That is why I have not forgotten my way home.

I must walk this path alone, if I am to figure myself out.

To understand the reason for this pain, to rid myself of doubt.

I wander thru this life just searching for a clue.

Truth be told, my heart knows well, my answers died with you

I was convinced that the memories of my past had to be the stepping stones, better yet still, the foundation for how my life was destined to be.

It seemed I was never able to see the light, it became nearly impossible to consider the idea that perhaps fate had her own intentions for me .

I hid my eyes behind false smiles, fighting to contain the sensations of doubt undulating deep within , those which sent shivers down my spine.

Locked in this terribly viscous cycle, a perpetual downward spiral,  from which I was in dire need of breaking , in order to save myself,  Such a familiar line.

I had reached a point in my existence where I wanted nothing more than to completely desensitize, impeding all emotion from reaching my soul, as if that some how would set me free.

Slowly I began to realize that if I allowed myself to succumb to the numbness , I then sacrifice something far more precious, for feeling this passion along with the pain is part of what made me, me.

Looking in your eyes I catch a glimmer of what was once most definitely meant to be.

I can intangibly hear a weary voice inside you and it is screaming to be set free.

Saddly you locked up your spirit tightly deep inside and replaced it with woe and fear.

The person you long to be seems miles away, but keep fighting my love and soon that person will be here.

Let go of everything that ties you down, unleash yourself from the crushing weight that's constructed of all your pain.

Let out that child, the one hidding inside,  for they are in desperate need of time to run wild and frolic in the rain.

That surrounding light, your beauty within, almost blinding its grandure reaches ever so high.

Please don't be afraid to open up your wings, feel the rush of the wind when you finally take to the brilliant sky.

Truthfully this journey will not at all be easy, nor will you always be clear on the way.

If you are willing to endure it you may find yourself a little more with the dawn of each new day."

An outcast battered
From the brutality the lonesome world has shown.

Shunned for non-compliance
Never fitting into all that is said to be known.

Her mind rambles
Constantly yet remains silent, for she is mute.

Failing to see
Her own relevance fuled by the inability to follow suit.

Why is it when we are at our lowest point...and we are the most lonely inside.


We bottle up our true feelings...and try to keep up the appearance that we can survive.


When we are trapped in our own mind..bound by the darkest of night.

Why are we so blinded..afraid to make the first step toward the light

Strange reflections, indistinct flickers whipping past, caught out of the corner of my eye.

An eldritch feeling takes over, as if to say this is what it to feel like to watch time pass by.

I lay witness to a whirlwind of intricate memories being swept away, jostled getting lost between the spaces.

The remnants of a hurricane filled with moments doomed to oblivion, intertwined inside an eternity of forgotten faces.

Anxiously I sit inside a cage of my own mold as I contemplate if this place is a sanctuary at all.

Finally realizing that those reflections were small glimmers of the pieces I let go during my own painfully beautiful fall.

Weep not for this wayward stranger, the trial and tribulations are something that we all must soldiers through.

Diligently stripping layers away, remaining hopefully that the journey will lead to something magnificently brand new.

ROLL OUT

    Of bed each morning and attempt to embrace whatever the world may throw your way.

Try honoring  our nations diversity ,because  like it or not, its here to stay.

ROLL OUT

The old and bring in a new line of thinking towards the betterment of human kind.

Rid ourselves of our inhibitions to concieve another's dreams , release the shackles inclined to bind.

ROLL OUT

Of the way if you are set on your ways, because for growth change is a must.

Not here to judge, I have my own demons, but instead of casting stones you can simply just....


ROLL OUT

Confined to this asylum bound by massive chains
restricting me to my own mis- guided  perception,  oh how I long to break free.

   In the distance there lies a sea of disconsolate faces washing ashore  so I keep watch to see if I can find me.

   There is this hollowness inside me, it's presence so utterly dominating, like a raging river it runs wild.

The idea of feeling completely numb is ever so enchanting,  an escape from all the dishevelment that thru the years I have compiled.

The air around me has  becime so stifiling, it is  slowly crushing my lungs, under its magnitude I will be forced to give in before too long.

Willing my breath to please slow so I can calm myself before the storm, I focus on my hearts rythmic sound, such melancholy song..

From within the depths of me I fight so hard, my intention never giving up, but in exhausted and my hope... Well... simply has run dry.

Familiar faces are constantly surrounding me but thru the haze, ruling the majority of my mind,they are nothing more than strangers walking by.

This overbearing feeling if lonesomeness is a wretched sickness spreading thru what once was me, the harder I try to suppress it the worse it makes me feel.  

My perpetual sadness is an unfortunate symptom that plagues me and no matter how I tend to these lacerations on my soul they never seem to heal.

Bitterly I must swallow down  the wickedly perfect blend of endless anguish and just a little more provocation then one should take in.

Almost ritualistically I choke back the desire to purge myself of this insignificant existence, as I long for a new one to begin.

This affliction has left behind an emptiness which reeks such havoc inside me and it is perfected by my alienation.


Struggling in my seclusion I search frantically for the part of me that somehow had gotten somewhere in translation.

I remember looking into your eyes and realizing how I was now responsible for this beautiful little life, thirteen years later our connection is so much stronger, as cliche as it may sound.

Your are truly my rae of sunshine, no matter how dark my life can be with out a doubt  it most definitely starts to lighten up the moment that you come around.

I've memorized your smile and each and every little freckle on  your sweet face and only you truly know when i need my space and when to snuggle up close cuz i need you to stay.

I just could not shake the uneasy feeling lingering in  my mind, I now wish that i had listened to my hearts warning for it must have sensed the tragic events that were still to come that  day.

Startled and confused I am awaken from a deep sleep by a sound that starts off a million miles away and steadily grows, a lump caught in my throat as  answered the phone.

His voice angrily shouts commands but all I hear the panicked cries from her, Mommy I'm so sorry I should not have taken them, Mommy I need you, Daddy stop screaming at me just leave me alone.

My mind turning completely numb I am not sure but some how I reacted: What hospital, When and what did she take and if you do not to screaming at her I warned, my adrenaline rushing as we flew out the door.

An hours drive stood between me and my sweet little Sunshine - Rae, I almost lost my baby by her own hand, my mind kept replaying her walking out the door for the weekend, as she turned from the car door with her scrunched up lil nose and said " No Momma I love you more"

It is hard to fabricate tangible words thru the knot in my throat, in which these apprehensive feelings continue to tie.

Trying to portray this state of felicity, while  inside feeling so overwhelmed with confusion, afraid I  will breakdown, making visible the tears I cry.

Questioning whether or not I possess the fortitude to maintain this pace I have set,  traveling on the path that must be taken .

Every thing is flying by so wildly out of control and my mind won't stop racing, but I will not allow my soul to be shaken.

I have peered long and deep into the mirror and although full of many uncertainties, I do not shutter at the reflection staring back at me.

My eyes were once clouded by other's notions of what my life should be and now as if a veil has been lifted it is a more true me I begin to see.

These eyes

Are like infinitesimal notches to my soul, yet the story remains to be untold

Allowing glimpse of what may be, and  still I am  petrified  to let you watch it unfold.  

These eyes

Can be full of compassion and fury , and manage find just enough room to house lust and rage.

Act as a gateway into my mind, which also tends to be my most frequented cage.

These eyes

Help keep at bay unwanted strangers, and somehow that same intensity is what draws others near.

For far to long were hidden behind unfathomable pain, but no longer will i allow it to cause even one more lonely tear

I don't know how to quiet the thoughts echoing within my temples, filling in the spaces.

The blank stare behind my eyes shows not how my overflowing mind continually
races

This is a poem I wrote and posted in 2013 and it hits homes so very much for me I had to revisit it.


I will not allow anyone' s judgments further even one more moment of self doubt
              They can't break me.
The demoralizing words cast my way mean nothing and the lack of faith,
              Stronger it will make me.

Finally I have realized that I do not have to live up to their set of standards, always trying to impress.
               I alone will break their mold.
No longer will I vie for others affection or seek to achieve someone else's perfection,
                I will let my own story unfold.

My mistakes are unique to just myself, I will embrace them, learn and keep moving on.
                Standing true on my own two feet.
I will have both successes and failures throughout the journey  before me.
                 Never again shall I give into defeat.