I know exactly how your lips will feel
The moment before they brush mine
Yet your kisses never fail
To take my breath away

I know exactly the path your fingers will trace
Along my cheek to the back of my neck
Yet your touch never fails
To electrocute my skin

I know exactly the look in your eyes
Before you lean your face towards mine
Yet your gaze never fails
To paralyze me

We are an oxymoron
Inexplicable
But we are also puzzle pieces
Perfectly seamless

On our first date
At the movie theater
You told me your hands were cold
So I would hold them
And keep them warm

Now my hands are cold
And your presence lingers
In a scent
On my sweatshirt

I don't want to
think about
You
anymore

*please stop

We have tried
To be together
Many times
And each time
Ended the same
In heartbreak
And fighting

We have tried
To be apart
Many times
And each time
Is the same
With jealousy
And loneliness

We crave each other
Yet we never work
We're attractive
And repulsive
This twisted electromagnetivity
Keeps me to you
And pushes me away
So I guess
We'll just pulsate
In a constant state
Of confusion

The steam on the windows
Conceals us from the world
As we sit beside each other
Laughing in our underwear
Discovering secrets
In whispers and caresses
Stolen kisses
And trailing fingers
Lingering glances
And quiet giggles
Exploring each other
Uncharted surfaces
Become familiar
As we learn the parts of us
That fit together
Like puzzle pieces

the rain taps his
drumming song
on my windshield
but even he cannot
drown out
the sound of your
absense

The worst part
About walking away from
The very thing that
Saved me
Is that I don't
Have a
Choice

I hope someday
When you've grown up
Figured it out
Moved on
I hope you remember
The girl you met
At freshman homecoming
How you swore it was
Love at first sight
I hope you remember chasing her
For a whole year
Vowing to never
Let her get away
I hope you remember loving her
And her loving you
Under the stars
On the dance floor
In her car
Secret nights spent
Driving aimlessly until
Silence fell easy
I hope you remember losing her
Giving up on her
Watching your love fade
Realizing only after she left
Exactly what you had
I hope you remember her
Your high school sweetheart
Your first true love
Your best friend
She won't forget you

My mother is a vegetarian
I grew up on tofu and kale
We eat meatless meatballs
And always try new organic foods
I know about healthy

Your are the candy
I convince myself I don't need
But still eat anyway

You poison my body
Spreading through my veins
Infecting me
From the inside out

You chip away at my strength
Deteriorate my self esteem
So I'm convinced I need you

I know about healthy
So how did I end up
In such an unhealthy place?

Maybe if I get drunk by myself
No one will stop me
From erasing all the pain

I can drink myself numb
And cry myself dry
Until I feel nothing

I'm sick of feeling too much
All the time
Maybe I'll get drunk by myself

Digging a little deeper
In the pit of my
Worthlessness
You crush me
With the weight of your
Unspoken honesty
And pent up
Hatred

I cannot write this poem
My words simply
Do not do it justice
I cannot tell you
Exactly how I feel
Words have no meaning
My only chance
Of communication
Is my body
My limbs speak a language
Without words
Merely motion
Sometimes sound
But lately it seems
That my body has grown
Tired
And can no longer
Spell out
My thoughts
I'm losing my language
My native tongue
I cannot speak

I wonder
If you kept
My sweatshirt
Or if it was too
Painful to breathe
The perfume of my
Memory
The stench of my
Absensce

I wonder
If you burned
My sweatshirt
Like you lit the bridges
Connecting us
Erasing
The perfume of my
Memory
The stench of my
Existence

I've never liked the taste
Of hard liquor
Because it sets me ablaze
Burning me alive
But this empty bottle
Is more like lava
Scorching me slowly
Leaving me numb
Just the way I like it

Jealousy
Is not a hatred
Of another
And their possessions

Jealousy
Is a hatred
Of one's self
For lacking
Something
That another has

I am jealous of her
Because your friendship with her
Is easy
Simple
The way we used to be
I hate myself
Because I cannot
Be that good
To you
Or for you
And I'll never forgive myself for it

Someone once asked me
To describe how it felt
To be in love

And I found myself describing
How it felt to be
With you

It's terrible
To be in love
With someone who constantly
Tears you to pieces

Because the only thing
That will fix you
Is their touch
Stitching you back together

He and I
Are patchwork quilts
With stitches
In our stitches
And new holes fraying
As fast as we mend them

I'm putting down
My needle and thread
I'm done sewing
And I'm done with
New holes

We will never be
New and whole again
But our quilt
The details in the fabric
The scars of our past
The hope for our future
Will always be
My favorite one

I've known you
For three years
But it may as well
Have been
Our entire lives

We didn't grow up together
But you grew into me
And I into you
So our lives
Are entwined
Irreversably
You discovered parts of me
That I didn't know
Existed
You never changed me
But you made me
The best version
Of myself

I cannot cast you away
You are not a thought
Or a memory
You reside in my bones
You trickle through my veins
You are a corner of my heart
I owe the wrinkles on my face
To all the times
You made me smile
I'll never lose
The parts of you
That make up me

I wear my emotions
On my sleeve
Like a badge
Or a brand

My poker face
Is all too easy
To read
I've never been a fan
Of gambling

You can read me
Like the pages of a book
My sad story
Splattered across the pages

I can't hide
From how I feel
But my fears
And my thoughts
Should not control me
The way you do

I wish I could keep this moment
Put it in my pocket and save it
For a rainy day
When the world reflects my mind

I wish I could save the sunshine
As it glints golden off
Emerald leaves
That dance and whisper
In wind's soft caress

I wish I could save the silence
As it wraps it's fingers
Around my swollen heart
And holds me close
So I don't feel so alone

I wish I could save the grass
It's expansive touch
Enfolding me in a blanket
Of sweet memories
To ease my mind

I could stay in this moment forever
But if I did
I might lose the next one
And who knows
It might be better

I sometimes wonder
If I have ever given someone
Butterflies

If they tingle inside
When I smile
And shyly tuck my hair
Behind my ear

If they melt a little
When I laugh at their jokes
And fire one back at them

If their stomach
Twists in knots
When I listen to them
Like they're the only thing
That matters

I wonder
If I have ever driven someone crazy
With every little thing
I do
Maybe I will
Someday

I have never been a good swimmer
I can't jump in a pool
Without plugging my nose
I can't hold my breath
Underwater
I can't tread water
When the waves are high

I am drowning
In the push and pull
Of this riptide
The waters are churning
And so is my mind

We will never be
Calm waters
So we'll slip beneath
Into the comforting arms
Of numbing pain
Maybe we'll find each other again
Someday

I'm afraid to close my eyes
Because in my dreams
I still feel your
Touch

I can't wake up to that kind of pain

Play me like a
Marionette
Tighten your hold
On the strings of
My emotions
And control my motion
With the flick
Of a finger

I am growing weary
Of this puppet show
It's been too long
Since I told my own limbs
How to move
Cut the chords
And watch me dance
On my own

All I wanted was a fairytale
A handsome prince
And a white horse
I looked for magic
In people and places
Who knew nothing of the sort
I dreamed about roses
And dancing in the moonlight
Forever hoping that one day
I would be swept off my feet

Maybe fairytales exist
You proved that magic exists
But you also showed me
The thorns in the rose
I've been waiting in this tower long enough

I've been bogged down
In this quicksand
Of self-destruction
Pushed further
By poisonous
Contempt

But I am finding the strength
In my bones
In my muscles
In my soul
To climb out
Of this abyss
Rise from these ashes
Destroy what
Destroys me

I will not let
Anything
Or anyone
Hold me back

So I'm the *****
Because I kissed a boy
Who likes girls and *****
A bit too much

But you're going after
The girl with a steady boyfriend
Who you know will fall for you
Like she did last time

Tell me how it's fair to call me names
And say I'm a bad person
When you're no better
Yourself

***** is my drug of choice
It's like an oxymoron
Burning as it soothes the senses
But tonight I took a voyage
With thieves and pirates and scoundrels
There was no burn
In my chest
Until the captain
Kissed my lips
And sent me overboard

someday i want to wake
in streams of sunlight
and messy bedsheets
just to roll over
and feel you stir
against me
blink the sleep from your eyes
and sigh
i'd want to kiss you goodmorning
make you tea
and read the newspaper
or maybe just be
with each other

there's something to be said
about the magic of
mornings

Maybe I'll drive home recklessly
And leave myself behind
You told me not to
But I don't know
If it matters
After all
I guess I'm just another girl
You flirt with
Nothing but
A number

The sunlight streaming
Through the open window
Kisses my face good morning
And creeps under my eyelids
My mouth tastes like cotton
And bittersweet regret
I slide off the bed
Out from under the tangled mess
Of blankets and my innocence
A pack of cigarettes and black coffee
Beckon me
I lean over the iron balcony
Over the foreign cobbled street
A cancerstick dangling from my fingers
Wrapped around a delicate mug
His dress shirt flutters around my bare legs
In the morning breeze
Eyes closed, I feel the cigarette slipping
He rolls it coyly around his fingers
And takes a slow drag
Before leaning against the railing beside me
This stranger and I

I don't know how to tell you to be gentle
My skin might dissolve under your touch like the way
Your eyes melt my
Insides
And my knees might crumple
When I see your smile
And I'll curl up into the
Curve of your dimples
When you breathe your name
Into my trembling lips
And I'm fragile
So I need you to be
gentle

I am not a psychotherapist
But sometimes I think I'm just
******
And I give out therapies
Like I gave him too many tears

I ask all the questions
That no one wants to answer
In hopes that the truth will smack them
Open their eyes wide
Like it did mine

I listen to their answers
Testimonies of their pathetic attempts
To convince themselves of happiness
No one changes unless they want to
And quite frankly
Sometimes it feels good to hate and hurt
To convince ourselves that we're different when really
We're all the same

Tell me why you want to die
And I'll tell you not to
But this circle ends and begins with
You
I cannot save you
I can lend out a hand to your drowning soul
But you must decide to help yourself
And take it

I am not a psychotherapist
But I am a ****** therapist
I'll tell you to save yourself
While I number my days

You'll use the excuse
That tastes like apple
And burns like poison
To justify your lust
And your desire to hurt
But drunk actions
Are honest thoughts
And you have never been more
Truthful

i want to be a cardiologist
maybe then i'll understand
why my heart skips
when you graze my skin
and why it splinters
when i hear his name

i want to be an ophthalmologist
maybe then i'll understand
the novel in your eyes
that your lips cannot express
and the daggers in his stare
that burned me as i passed

i want to be pulmonologist
maybe then i'll understand
the way i lose my breath
when you sigh my name into my lips
and the way my lungs shuddered
when his red-rimmed eyes pierced my will

maybe if i learn medicine
ill be able to explain
why i feel the way i do
for you
or ill find a cure for
heartbreak
so i will finally be free
of him

We could be friends
With memories
That we try to suppress

We could smile at each other
Passing by in the halls
And forget to take route
Where we surely meet

We could wave to each other
From across the room at prom
Whilst entwined in the arms of
Someone else

We could congratulate each other
On graduation day
Before rushing off to celebrate
With families and friends

We could say goodbye before college
One last gathering
Before we go our
Separate ways

We could meet again
Fifteen years from now
And reminisce on the good old days

We could be friends
And wonder
If we could have been

If there was one thing
You could change about me
You would make me
Less insecure

But the reason
I see myself
This way
Is because I have never felt
Like something worth
Treasuring

I am a goddess
I am strong
I am powerful
I will knock the wind out of you
Make you beg for air
I will bring you to your knees
Pray before you enter the chapel
Of my body
I am a palace
And you should consider it an honor
To enter into my halls
I am made of light and fire
Do not forget that I will blaze and burn
I cannot be quenched
I am an untouched treasure
Pure and rare
Do not disgrace me
Or discard me
I am a goddess
And I refuse to be treated
Like anything
Less

I am on trial
And my sins
Are my testimony
My defense is pathetic
Crumbling under the weight
Of your
Disappointment
I cannot win this case
When I can't even
Believe myself
Everything I say
Can and is used against me
In your court
The jury is your peers
Convicting me on one night
Of blurry evidence
I'll wear this number
Forever burned in my memory
Guilty as charged

Pump me full of adrenaline
With your passion
Then leave me smoldering
With your secrets
And compromise
Give me a thousand miles
A sprint only gets you
So far

When we were young
We believed our parents
Could never be wrong
We wanted to be just like them
Because they were perfect

Then we grew up a little
And we changed our mentality
Parents don't know anything
They don't know what I'm going through
They can't possibly understand

And we'll grow up some more
We'll be away from our parents
Shaping our own lives
And we'll realize
Maybe they do know something after all

People come and go
Friends lovers enemies
People change and disappear
But parents never cease
To love you

That boy who says
He could marry you
Isn't worth it
If he can't accept your family

That girl who says
She will always love you
Never can
If she doesn't love your family

I have been perpetually
Exhausted
But sleep only comes
Easy
When I'm in your arms

It gets awfully lonely
Without a haven
A safe home
To turn to
When all hope seems
Lost

I destroyed my haven
I set you ablaze and left you to
Burn
I turned my back
When I should have stayed
By your bed
In your darkest
Hour

You've been rebuilt
By a different
Homemaker
Who kindles a flame
Within you
And tends to it
With care

I watch from the cold
While you are warmed
By new light
And wonder
If I'll ever be home
Again

for a moment
i thought
i could do this

i could be someone else
someone new
someone foreign
out of character

i don't regret my experiences
because they make me
who i am
so i won't regret you
i'll just regret
how you happened

so that's not me
i'm not someone else
i'm not what anyone expects
i'm not willing
to give my all
for someone who gives me
nothing

i'll figure me out someday
but in the meantime
i'll make more mistakes
like you
and not regret mistakes
like you
and learn from mistakes
like you

so thank you
for being a mistake
because now i
know

I spend a lot of time
Trying to make myself
Smaller
To shrink myself down
So I take up the least space
Possible

I spend a lot of time
Wishing I could
Trim down
Sharpen my soft edges
Harden my shape
I would rather be someone's rock
Strong and safe
Than their pillow
With loose ends and a soft center

It's impossible to allow someone
To trace my softness
When I recoil where their fingers
Graze my skin
I can only imagine what they think
Of my weakness

It's impossible to live in this body
That I feel unsafe in
A fear I'm constantly aware of
Judgment from all angles

It's impossible to escape
I can't hide from this hatred
My being, my mind
Controlling the image of
My self, my body
My mind is sharp but my body is soft
There's no question as to who
Will give in

If I am a sinking ship
Then you are a
Hurricane
Swallowing me whole and
Folding me into you

If I am a sunset
Then you are
The night sky
Melting into me and
Taking me over

If I am a poet
Then you are my
Greatest love poem
Your smile inspires sonnets
And your kiss sends tremors
Through my heartstrings

You are my fairy tale
Charging into my life
And rescuing me from
Who I was becoming
Prince Charming has nothing on you

It's easier to fall
Asleep on your
Chest
Than in my own bed

I guess my bed
Never felt as safe
As your arms