I didn't know him.
Sure, I'd seen him around,
But you start taking the presence of someone
For granted.
I never talked to him
And I never will.

Maybe things would have been different.
If only I had said "hi".
I might have known him.
Or his mind.
But I know as well as anyone,
That it's hard to really know someone.

I didn't know him.
Why did I cry so much?
I should have at the very least said "hi".
But I'm only human.
I can't save everyone.

Ice
I feel numb
Water
The numbness fades and I melt, the water running down my cheeks.
Steam
The sadness passes and I feel angry, evaporating into nothingness.

I despise
I detest
I abhor
I abominate
I strongly dislike
I hate
Why did this happen?
I hate that we
never talk anymore.
I hate that I
(still)
freeze up and can't talk to you.
I hate that I
get so self-conscious.
I hate that you
gave me false hope.
I hate how you've
started smoking,
become a stoner.
That kills me.
It makes me want to
slap you
hard
across the face.
I wish I
wouldn't look at your face
and see
a missed opportunity.
I wish I
wouldn't look at you
and become so filled with regret
that I want…
to hurt myself.
I wish I
could look at you
and feel nothing.
I just want to forget.

And then…
after all these
red
angry
thoughts
quit rushing through
my brain
all at once,
a tiny part of me says
in a whisper
that feels like a shout,
"Why are you blaming him?
It's your fault, you know."
And then everything
collapses
around me.
I want to sink to my knees
and curl into a ball.
I want to cry so that
my tears
disintegrate my body
until there is
absolutely nothing left.
Because deep down,
I know this is true.
It was because I
couldn't talk.
I was
too quiet.
I was
too shy.
And now,
when I look at you,
all I see
is what I saw
before.
But now,
whenever I see it,
a deep longing fills my chest.
I hate that feeling.
I wish this
wasn't so frustrating.
You probably look at me
and feel nothing
while I look at you
and radiate disappointment.
I hate that you
made me feel this way.
I hate that you
can move on so easily.
You were important to me
you *******.

When most people say
"I've lost my appetite"
they've usually come across
some shocking bit of news
or a realization.
Or they are simply too
squeamish
to handle such
gruesome conversation.
At least,
that was sort of the case
for me as a child.

I remember a Halloween night
topic
of body parts
and dismal ends.
I claimed to have
"lost my appetite"
although I continued to eat.

I've never physically
lost my appetite
But maybe
I haven't had the proper
shock.

There she'd be.
Feeling hopeless...again.
But it's decided.
She knows where she wants to go now.
She presses the button, waiting,
for the cheery "ding" indicating
the car has arrived.
She won't try to see herself in the stainless steel
of the doors.
She already knows what she'll see.
The doors slide apart smoothly,
and without a sound.
Nervously, she steps over the threshold,
trembling slightly.
But it's decided.
She knows where she's going.
There might be other people in the elevator car
but they won't talk to her.
They won't see her.
They've already been through it.
They're hardly even there.
Her finger reaches out to push the button
of the floor she wants to go on.
As it sinks under the pressure of her fingertip
she notices something.
Someone, actually.
It's that friend of hers.
The one who always tried to
talk her out of this.
The one who actually
cares.
She's running down the hall now.
Yelling something.
Trying to stop her.
And in that moment,
there's a flash
of uncertainty.
Does she really want
to go through with this?
But the doors begin to close.
Her friend runs faster, while she,
stands in the center
of the elevator car,
frozen.
She doesn't want this to happen.
It's too scary.
She doesn't want to go.
She wants to stay with her friend.
But as her friend closes the distance,
just an arm's length away,
the doors
shut.
It's been decided.
She's going.
Now.
And no matter how hard she tries
to pry the doors open with her fingernails,
or push the "open" button repeatedly,
she can't change that.
And the pain
hasn't been taken away
like she thought it would.