There is no time for sadness, wrap me up in your jacket and take me home.

There's a glass on the edge of the table, it's sweating bullets and they're dropping to the kitchen floor. I'm saying, "I don't know if I can do this anymore,  you never listen to me" and you're laughing to yourself about something irrelevant. You're singing to a song that isn't even playing, you're making notes in your head of what shape the clouds are outside our kitchen window. I'm saying, "This isn't what I ever wanted for us" and you're still not listening. I'm begging, "Would you please listen to me? Just this once" and you're still not clued in. You ask what's for lunch and then are confused by the look of extreme hurt on my face. I repeat myself, "I don't know if I can do this. I'm sorry." and you're on your knees. Sobbing. Apologizing for becoming this man, the man even you didn't know you were capable of. You're asking where this went wrong, what you can do to fix this, and I'm throwing my arms in the air. "I don't know what to tell you" I said. You're begging for me not to give up on you, telling me that you can become the person that I fell in love with. "Calm down, calm down, okay." I say, swearing I won't give up on you just yet. You wipe the tears off your cheeks, pick yourself off the floor, grab me by the waist and smile. "Please move that glass, it's going to fall."

your complaints
your worries
your sorrows
to yourself.

Just for a night
I beg of you.

I don't mean to sound selfish
but I want to ravage you
hold your flesh between my teeth
mark you as my own.

I don't want to forget this night
and I don't want you to forget me
at least until the marks fade away.

I remember lurching my little body to the edge of the twin bed just in time to ***** on the floor.
I remember sharing a room with my sister.
I remember the feeling of immense pride as I pedaled by Little Mermaid bike across the lawn - finally without training wheels.
I remember my new dog getting sprayed by a skunk before my sixth birthday party.
I remember my dad putting her in a plastic tub full of tomato juice in hopes of washing away the putrid odor.
I remember having tons of friends to invite to birthday parties.
I remember not needing validation from people in order to be happy.
I remember laying in the backseat of the car as the streetlights flew by.
I remember when my sister threw a *** of bubblegum in my hair.
I remember washing the gum out with peanut butter.
I remember chunky copper highlights in my black hair.
I remember the first big fight.
I remember needing to rush my sister out into the rain to avoid all of the yelling.
I remember understanding that separating was the best thing for everybody.
I remember kissing in lemonade stands.
I remember dead-end streets and riding my bike down them.
I remember the walk to my elementary school.
I remember simpler times.

Stop handing out pieces of yourself like you've got anything left to spare.

My feet may be small but in certain shoes they create thunder,
I try to walk lightly.
I feel that I make too much noise as I walk.
I don't want the world to take notice of me.

Sometimes,
I clank my heels against the pavement,
waiting for heads to turn,
waiting for the world to notice me.

I am a bundle of contradictions,
I am the biggest hypocrite that I know.
I give advice that I would never take,
tell people to run when I stand still.

With you my feet are not quiet nor are they loud,
they are shaky.
For the past nineteen years they've done a great job of holding me steady,
but around you they seem to forget how to function.
I forget how to function around you.

I thought I built walls tall enough for only the ones who cared would scale,
but you got in and started swinging.

I was never as infatuated with you as you were with me, for that I am sorry (that is the only apology I will ever owe you). I was fourteen and the earth was shaking underneath my feet, yet you somehow had the gall to try to pull the rug from under me. You were the first person I had seen who could be made unrecognizable by anger.
2. I was younger than you and desperately seeking attention. You used that against me. I still wonder if pitting two friends against each other accomplished whatever it was that you wanted. If I saw you on the street I would not recognize you.
3. The first time I kissed you I felt a hunger that I had never felt before. I could not seem to get enough of you so I called it love, talked about you like you put the sun in the sky. I gave you everything I could and in return you gave me new insecurities, I wonder if you know that. When I look back on the years we spent together I am ashamed of myself. I should have left when I found out that I was not enough for you, but I stayed for a while longer. I'm sorry that you're stuck still, I hope that one day you find your place.
4. You never mattered to me. You tried and failed at making me some sort of outcast. I forgot you existed.
5. You were my friend and we were both drunk. I thought that I loved you but realized I was saying that to spite someone else. I don't think of you, ever. I no longer appreciate the times when you decide to call me and tell me how in love with me you are, please stop wasting both of our time. I am looking for consistency, not something that fizzles out when life gets a little bit busy. I'm still waiting for an apology.
6. You had been on my radar for years before our paths finally crossed and when they did I felt invincible. The first time you kissed me I drove away cheering, I think that was when I put you on a pedestal. I made far too many excuses for the things that you said out of anger, I made far too many excuses for you, period. We are strangers now and I am only now beginning to realize that it is probably a good thing. I still think of you from time to time and wonder if you do the same.
7. I met you telling you about my broken heart, about how I hated to be ignored. You put on your best smile and told me that you would not lie to me. I now know that most everything was a lie. You didn't have to try to hurt me, I had already told you that it would be impossible. I hear you look like **** now (it makes me smile).

when our bones crumble and turn to dust,
as we both know is inevitable,
will we be remembered?

When my smile fades,
or becomes a facade,
will you notice?

I've been wondering for some time now how easy it is to let people leave your memories,
I know that I've always struggled with it.

I know that optimism would say that it's difficult,
pessimism would say it's as easy as breathing,
but what about the realistic part of the mind?
Is it actually easy?
I put effort and energy into make people fade into the past,
do you do the same?

anymore.
It's about this ever-growing emptiness that I feel when remnants of our time together appear.
It's about the reminder that I am alone,
that I will likely be lonely for a while.
I do not miss you, do not take this as a love poem or anything of that sort.
You are merely a frame of reference for a time when I was not so alone.
I feel that when I knew you was a different time in life,
so much has changed,
very little that existed during that time remains.
Memories are blurred as I willfully forget them
(I've been wishing them away for months now)
but still some linger,
a reminder of the time when I wasn't so alone.

It comforts me to know that I will be the maid of honor at your wedding - and that you will be the maid of honor at mine.
Through all that has happened, the changes we have experienced as we've become adults, we have remained the same,
and I think that's the reason I still have my sanity.
Words forever on our skin say, "I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both", from our favorite poem and I know our bond is eternal.
People may laugh and say that we might not be friends forever, but we will be the ones laughing because we know that they're wrong.
Although distance makes our communication less frequent, it does not make our friendship any weaker, and we will always pick up right where we left off.
You are my 2 AM, my number one fan and the only person I trust completely.
Our friendship has taught me many things - how to be there when needed, how to listen without judgement and most importantly, how to be a good friend.
We have reached an agreement - we might have different friends, but never ones like each other.
A friendship like ours is once in a lifetime, and only if you're lucky.
Thank you for being my best friend and making me feel lucky.

In the daylight I will call you my biggest mistake,
swear to anyone and everyone that the next time my eyes fall upon your face I will curse you out,
shake my head sadly at the thought of your life - the failures you try hard to cover up

but in the privacy of darkness I will still call you an angel,
swear that you can do no wrong,
know that if I ever let you close enough to touch me that I would crumble and blow away.
I smile sweetly at the thought of your face.

There are people that we tuck into the corners of our mind - so that they will always be an afterthought,
let them taint the places we've been because somehow that makes those places seem safer - it makes them feel warmer.
We know not any reason why we do this - only that we cannot keep ourselves from doing so.

There is no easy way to fix the way that a heart breaks - no way to cure the way its beating picks up when we see the people that we have loved.

I could be that book on a rainy day,
the one you curl your body around as the rain pounds on windowpanes.
I could be that soliloquy that convinces you to stay,
the one who captures love with simple words - the one that makes you feel again.

But I am none of those things.
I am chaos -
a hurricane of feelings and emotions that only cause disaster.
I do not posses the calm that is required to be something beautiful -
I am far too frantic.

Pretending otherwise can only last too long.
Our time here is short so let's be honest.
I am chaotic and loud and you are shy and fearful -
let's stay true to who we are and find beauty in all that we do.

I won't tell you that I love you because we will both crumble.
We are sandcastles just waiting for the tide to claim us,
waiting for the inevitable ruin that we both face.

I won't tell you that I love you because kindness can be cruel.
It's easy to wear a mask,
easier to look at it long enough until you think it is your face.

I won't tell you that I love you because intention is deceiving.

I will not take your trust because I will never allow you to have mine.

I won't tell anyone that I love them because love is not eternal, you are ethereal and I never want to be the cause of their demise.

You are a toddler prancing around in Mom's heels.
Swearing they fit as your feet slip and slide around them,
when will you realize there's a difference between maturing and simply acting older than you are?
When will you realize that blood usually means a certain amount of loyalty,
a certain amount of love?

We will never be more than what we once were - it's a fact for all things that have ended.
Everything is relative, it will do you good to realize that sooner rather than later.
Everything is irrelevant when you're standing on a precipice trying to decide if you should leap into the unknown or hide in the comfort of familiarity.
Things will not change unless you do something different - if you never take a step you will stand still for eternity.

that no longer hold me in their focus keep me awake late at night.
No conversation can quell the desire I have for them to look my way,
no sorcery can make them turn towards me.

Wrap your arms around me like a noose,
until I hang long enough to gladly let you take my last breath away.

I've run out of words to use to make it seem like I'm okay.
The last time you kissed me you accidentally took my smile,
when you left you forgot to give it back.

I will never run out of things to say to you,
but I ran out of chances to say them months ago.

There will never be anything big enough to fill the hole in my chest.
The one that I've lived with for so long that it feels like I was born incomplete.

There is no dam powerful enough to stop the tears that reappear in the warm months like the leaves shed by the trees in the wintertime.
There is no joke funny enough to make laughter strong enough to keep the sadness at bay.

I wonder if I will ever feel more than okay,
if I will be able to find my smile without having to see you again.

It scares me that I might not.

At least now I can walk freely,
and not tiptoe around your temper.

I never asked for flowers,
make sure to tell everyone that I hate them because they just die.

Why keep something beautiful just to see it die?

I never asked for much,
at least I never thought I did.

You made simple things seem like it was asking for the moon,
a simple phone call,
any sort of confirmation that you were still alive.

You gave me ******* promises and endless lies,
but covered it up nicely with a Tiffany necklace.

I hate flowers,
their beauty fades fast until they are withered away and dead.

I hate you,
the beauty of us faded, albeit not too fast, but it withered away and died.

Wet tendrils of copper and black stick to my head,
I refuse to let this rain bother me.

In my ears a string of songs play,
most of them sad.
I refuse to let the lyrics get to me.

New York City is a magical place.
I had made the mistake of forgetting that when I let life get me down,
when I chose to focus on ignored phone calls and unrequited love.

Not anymore.
Water has always symbolized life,
so now, as I walk these city streets in a downpour
I feel alive.

I have never been one to trust easily,
or even to trust at all,
early on I was taught that people are inherently untrustworthy.

The few times I decide to trust,
to let people in,
they sneak inside of my heart and then rip it to shreds from inside.

Watch me implode!
I tell them with disdain,
but no one seems to want to watch me combust.

They run at the first sign of anything unpleasant,
hoping that the guilt will not follow them.
They want to be able to sleep at night.

I hope their thoughts keep them up at night.

As far as people go I would say I'm not the best.
My emotions are far too volatile,
and I'm much too fallible.

I often feel that I'm falling to pieces,
I'm too codependent so I wait for people to fix me
(which never happens)

My writing is too emotional,
it has no structure,
its only purpose is to make sense of myself.

I'm a mess,
I'll confess that.

At least I know who I am,
accept myself for all of my flaws,
and take another step forward.

of being sad.

I've made a decision.
I'm taking all that I felt about you and putting it elsewhere.

I'm putting these feelings into anything else but people.
I'm putting the feelings of confidence that you gave me into my step when I walk around my beloved city.
I'm putting the emotion into my writing (I wanted to write you as many poems as I could, now I'll do it for me)
I'm putting the laughter into the moments that I am with my friends and find something truly funny.
I'm putting that huge smile you made me feel on when I walk outside and feel the sunshine touch my skin.
I'm putting my fingers, the ones that I used to run all over you, on the keys of my laptop, on the pen I take notes with.
I will use those hands that used to hold yours to instead hold the rain when it falls, to help a friend whenever they are down, to pet my dogs.
The arms of mine that used to find comfort in your embrace will now be used to hug my family, to remind them what they mean to me, and to hug my friends, hold someone when they are upset.
They will soon forget what you felt like.
Lastly, I will whisper tales of our love into the sand of the town that we probably will never admit that we love.
I will give my memories back to the places that they happened, and let someone else erase them with new memories.

I was tired of being sad.
So I decided to try something new.

I gave you everything I have,
tore down all of my walls and gave you the trust that no one gets.
In return you ruined me,
you turned me into this mess who can write about nothing besides you,
I cannot forget the map I made of your body
(we both know you forgot mine long ago)
it's not fair that I'm the one who suffers.
I'm not the one who did wrong,
I just asked for love,
I gave you everything I had,
put all of my effort and energy into you and your happiness.
In return you treated me like I was nothing,
threw everything I gave you back at me
(besides my trust, you just threw that away)

and now I'm lost.

the stale New York City air leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
I wish to be back by the clean ocean air.
I often enjoy that I can hide in a crowd,
go by unnoticed, go long periods without speaking or listening,
but right now all I want to do is be with the friends who have known me a while.

Don't get me wrong,
I love the life that I lead,
the friends that I've made,
the conversations I've had.

There's just something about that place you call home.
You need it every once in a while,
to remind yourself who you really are.

I brushed the taste of your kiss away,
but I can't scrub away how it made me feel.
There is something so marvelous about the way our lips fit together,
and I can't seem to forget it
(even thought I know I should)

there's a leash around my neck and you're the one in charge.

For a long time I've known that,
I let you **** me around with your wild emotions.
If I ever strayed too far I knew you would pull me back in,
sometimes I didn't mind the leash.

Now it's different,
the leash has managed to wrap itself around my heart
and you tug on it whenever you feel like it.

Careless,
that's the word I would use to describe you.

I had thought I knew you,
I let allowed myself to be put on a leash,
I trusted that you'd never pull too hard.

I trusted that you would never let go.

I should have grabbed the letters that spell my name
when the spilled from your mouth
(for the last time)

to scream,
to yell,
to curse whoever brought you my way.

I can't.
I end up in tears,
somehow with hope that appeared from nowhere that you somehow managed to ****.
I end up talking about you constantly in hopes of not getting caught up in my own head.

I will never
understand what happened.
I have lost myself before but I would never do what you had done.
I would never turned my back on anyone,
especially not someone who would move the sun if I said it was too bright.

I hope.
That you realize exactly what you're losing.
Someone who understood you, who stayed with you even when things fell apart.

I understand.
I have my own flaws,
I have demons I try to fight off, and that sometimes I'm not strong enough.

I never.
Expected this from you.
I never expected to feel this way.

I want to know what happened, I need to understand where this all went wrong.