I don't know whether it was a veil of one a.m. or the double vision induced by ***, the strong grasp of gravity or the coursing wave alcohol.
Probably all of the above.
I found myself strayed from the group, walking along the edge of the river. The rocks were not friendly to my fawn-like knees. It was the first week of September, the fall just dipping its toes into the normal 90 degree routine.
My cousin, Cameron, had decided to throw a party for the end of summer, before everyone went their separate ways for school. I was about to start my freshman year at Arkansas. It was a new place, new school, new people. No one else from my high school had decided to go there and in the beginning, the school sounded perfect. Away from everyone, starting anew. But to be honest, I was scared.
The bonfire was no one to be seen and I had come to the conclusion that I was, in fact, lost. All I knew was that my temporary vertigo was about to get the best of me. I fell onto my knees, the *** previously consumed expelled out of my body. There was so much ***.
Once the vomiting ceased, I rolled over onto my back.
I remember that it hurt. Everything hurt. And with no control, I burst into tears. Curled into the fetal position, I cried, chest aching, stomach churning.
I let myself feel so alone. And I was alone, I always have been. I just never let myself acknowledge it because then that would be all I would ever think about.
No matter how many people promise friendship and loyalty, I will always find myself crying alone in the middle of the night. I have learned that I cannot force love out of someone incapable of emotion. That sometimes circumstance tears those away from you. And then there are those that have been with you for what has seemed like forever that just decide they no longer want you.
I was crying because I couldn't do anything about it. I can't make them stay. I only have myself.
And I do not make good company.