I looked into my grandpa's eyes
In my daughter's face disguised
My son's hands now strong indeed
Just like my dad's I see.

Temperament like calm currents flow
From generations long ago
Eyes hazel gold so beautiful
Passed to me ... ages old

Grandma gave her that tenacity
And there's Meema's willful personality
My son took Peepa's tender heart
That feels the pain of another's lot

High cheekbones a dead give away
Of Comanche heritage displayed
Blonde hair like one we never knew
His life cut off way too soon

Deep poetic waters flow
Music locked inside us rose
From history past revealed today
Sweet sung lullabies relayed.

Unknown tears that flowed from souls
Pain and hardship we'll never know
What did it take to bring us here
What suffering did they volunteer

Archives of history living in me
Within me the keys to great mysteries
Treasures buried deep inside my soul
Tapestries of lives sewn together as a whole

Fragments of you, pieces of me
Weaving together delicate filigrees
Illustrious building rise from the grave
Living forever through endless age

Like the breath of a lover, I feel the warm breeze.
The breeze carries the fragrance of Springtime’s tease.
Senses aroused by flirtatious blossoms;
Myriads of colors flooding my gardens.

Blackthorns, Azaleas, Crocus and Dahlias
Clothed in beauty, tossing seductive glances.
Springtime’s powerful elixirs and tonics
Intoxicating lovers with her elaborate sonnets.

Sung through the trees, the Robin’s melodies.
The time of the year for the birds and the bees.
Cardinals and Larks sing breaking the spell,
As the captives of winter are released from their cells.

O Lord, mighty God
How awesome and powerful You are
You rule with justice high above
In heights above the stars

With one word, You spoke the heavens
With one word, founded the earth
With love in Your heart, You called man from the dust
You filled him and gave him his worth

Your knowledge is too high for me
Your wisdom I cannot attain
At Your feet I humbly bow
I will never be the same

You are God - there is no other
Greater than what eyes can see
Yet fear still grips me, with doubt I still struggle
I've hidden my face from Thee

So many idols remain in my life
Things I've refused to let go of
Selfishness, pride - they rage deep inside
But I lay them now down at your feet

My eyes I fix upon Your truth
My heart I set upon Your Word
I'll run this race with strength from You
A new creation to finally emerge

Forgive me, Lord, and cleanse me within
Renew this darkened mind
Change me, transform me, purge out the sin
For You I lay down my life

You are my God, there is no other
Greater than what eyes can see
Your power's at work changing me
Who You have purposed I'll be

“***** and secure, yet weathered and worn
Faithfully it stood surviving the storms
Cracking and peeling … its colors are muted
Stubbornly standing yet obviously wounded
Absorbing abuse for those in her shelter
Unobtrusively stands against all ghostly specter”

You've ripped open the lid of protection
You've torn down the walls of self-preservation
I'm stripped bare before You - no covering of self remains
Just when I though I had my kingdom secure
Just when I though I had perfected the act of surety

I have girded myself upon pillars of another man's vision
I lay in the vineyards of an angry man's dreams
My vineyard I have forsaken behind walls of disillusionment
Being yoked up with a man's burdens of works
I look at the walls surrounding my hopes
Vines of youth now overgrown and wild; forsaken and empty

You came with Your sickle and cut into branches of coldness and fear
You tear apart the thicket of my soul to find hope of fruitfulness
You break down the walls of separation and call me out
"Come here!  Come here!  Breathe again the long lost breaths of refreshing!"

How do I depart from the expectations of those I am yoked to?
How do I escape the despising of those who have created my place in this world?
How do I go?  Where is the trail of those who have walked this way before?

I see You through tears of fear and shame
I see You through tears of desire and desperation
Your eyes pierce through the deception I found comfort in
Your arms reach past this world I found security in
Your voice strikes into the center of a child's heart long gone in a world I don't belong

I want only You!  I need only You!
I'm ready to rebuild the old places
I'm ready for the pain of purging
Come, Lord Jesus!  Come!

Awakened to a masquerade of actors on life's stage.
With mask in hand, I'm forced to play this part I do not know.

The actors are the audience of the facade I play each day.
Unsure of how to fill the role, I take the veteran's cue.

Untrue to who I really am, the role I play takes over.
Though sorrow fills this empty heart, laughter deceives the soul.

Insecurity and fear I know; I dare not let them see.
Perfection is the script I hold; no flaws will I reveal.

As the years wear on and this act plays out, a sense of loss torments me.
A need for truth and clarity, youth's honesty eludes me.

The day has come, I walk offstage beyond the painted props.
The light of truth cuts through the act, deception flees from me.

A love so pure and passionate, expels the myths of life.
The hands that gently held me close, discard my mask - I'm free.

I look back on the tragedy played out before my eyes.
Reality's illusions sink in sand's of life's delusions.

Passion … Indulgence … gave way to illusions
Decisions excluding correct moral solutions
Inhaling, exhaling just breathing it in
Lost in the moment … trapped by a whim

Intoxicated … Deluded … caught in the romance
Deception unfurling diabolical plans
Destruction … seduction … led to compulsion
Regression … digression …  complete disconnection

Eroded completely … no more than a shell
A traumatized victim of my self induced hell
Stumbling … falling … twisting and turning
Losing my grip on reality’s sermon

Where is my Hope?  Is there mercy yet found
To undo this offence?  Have I been disavowed?
You trusted … I lied … You loved… I denied
You called …  I refused … Not You … only I

Passion … Substitution … the only conclusion
Sacrifice led to correct moral solutions
Inhaling, exhaling … just breathing it in
Found at that moment … your love led me in

I dig down deep into the belly of earth
And pull out an old chest all covered in dirt
The padlock bids me to unlock its mystery
I searched all around but cannot find the key

I'm surprised as I turn back ... who is this woman I see?
She sits on my box - she intimidates me.
There's something familiar about her I feel
Do I know her?  I think so ... her eyes are like steel.

"It's your footsteps I hear through the halls of my house.
You lurk around like a snake on the prowl.
Like a shadow connected to the heels of my feet;
You follow my footsteps ... you're that voice that leads me

"Away from the darkness of past memories,
Gently pulling the reigns, my will concedes
What horrible things live in your sights?
Why deny me the knowledge of what torments me at night?"

She lifts up her voice and sings a sweet mournful dirge;
My attention is diverted to the doors of the church.
A little girl stands there awaiting her fate ...
The priests of the night come and whisk her away.

Upon the altar they lay her as the sword is now drawn.
On the pew I sit with a deep sense of forlorn.
The sword splits apart her young innocent life,
Her youth is poured out to the gods of the night -

To the gods who reside in that box out of sight
Holding on tightly to the secrets of my life.
I stagger through hallways of my dark empty house;
Through portraits of time, I search to find out.

I ran through the hillsides as far as I could;
There at the walls of repressed memories I stood.
Though screaming against me ... I ran and I fought
But I could not get access past the walls of these thoughts.

Exhausted I fell beneath the spell of deep sleep.
I awoke on the altar ... the sword plunged in deep
I felt the pain of my past come back to life
As they poured out my innocence to the gods of the night -

To the gods who reside in that box out of sight
Holding on tightly to the secrets of my life.
The stars all fell down out of the sky
Their lights were extinguished as all heaven did cry.

The earth had now swallowed up that old box
And as its mouth gently closed I sealed up the locks.
I hid that old key far out of sight
As you tugged on the reigns we walked on through the night.

I heard music rise up filling the room
With the warmth of denial my heart was consumed.
I ran to the window and looked at the sky
I thought to myself, "Where are the stars that light up the night?"

I could hear her footsteps run through the halls
Like a snake on the prowl she guarded the walls
And the stars all fell down out of the sky
Their lights were extinguished as all heaven did cry.

My heart is a castle, long vacated, dark and unkept.  
Your fingerprints lay peacefully right where they were left.  
The sound of your voice bounces across the old walls.  
Every memory of you is held locked in her vault.

As the mere scent of water brings a man back from death;
So the fragrance of you would give my heart back her strength.
My skin vibrates violently at the thought of your touch.
O to taste of your sweetness would be more than enough.

My lips long to be crowned once again with your kiss.
To live it again is my heart’s deepest wish.
To look in your eyes to the depths of your soul
Memories of you, they never get old.

Like a man who scrapes the scabs of disease from his skin;
You scoured your heart clean of every memory of when ...
With unwavering strength, you shut me out  
Like rancid milk from your mouth, you spit me out.
Like refuse, you discarded me - tossed me away.  
For a moment you loved me - but then turned away.  

Like an abandoned old dog, who faithfully waits -
My heart sits here longingly determined yet ashamed.  
Why did you breach all the walls of my heart?
Like a replaying movie, I relive every part ...
Why did you give me just a taste of your love?
Like a hunter you trapped me - in your memory I’m stuck.

The earth shakes violently and opens her mouth.  
My heart sinks down slowly as earth swallows her up.  
A cold bitterness pours over me like cement on the street
It climbs up slowly til I’m completely caught in its grip.  
I’m lost in this torment, I’m can’t find my way
In the maze of this conflict - I’m sick and afraid.

My Lord, I’m praying please help me to live.  
Please numb the pain - split open this grave.
I know what I should feel - but not how to proceed
I loved him so deeply - it gets hard to breathe

My heart is a castle now haunted with ghosts
No lover will stay there - no guests will approach
Voices reverberate through every hall
Yes, my heart is a castle hidden behind a thick wall.

What is truth?  Where is it found?
It's in that place I don't want to see
It's beneath the masks where I hide
It's where the rubber meets the road
It's that right choice I choose to deny

What is truth?  Where is it found?
It's the ray of hope where no hope is found
It's who I am when no one else is around
It's the narrow road where few will walk
It's that place of identity beyond all our faults

Truth is the hard choice I can't seem to assert
Truth is the reality shut off behind walls of hurt
Truth is hard yet brings us such healing
Truth hurts, yet gives hope through believing
Truth is light in a world of darkness
Truth is the reflection of God's holiness

Death lives in the dark corners of my soul -
Lulled to sleep with her songs; I find I'm consoled.

A conglomeration of thought eventually collide.
A collision of conflict will be my demise.

I walk through the halls of a stranger's home;
I peer out the windows to a land I don't know.

A little girl stands there - tattered and broken.
She wears the face of a tired old woman.

Live empty carcasses press in on all sides.
Like cannibals they try to eat me alive.

In torment I dance between fantasy and reality
Hazy memories responsible for a fragmented personality.

The little girl runs past me - a ****** sacrifice.
At the hand of her abuser, innocence lost her life.

Sun breaks through the dark visions of night.
Plastic smiles contain all indications of fright.

I see her lying there in a casket of dreams.
A sense of anxious silence careens

Towards the house of denial and an emotionless life,
Survival depends on avoiding the plight

Of repeat behavior - of life being expressed ...
So I open my soul to the solace of death.

She lulls me to sleep with her songs of the night.
This stranger's home seems to fit me just right.

The arrow pierces into my soul
It buries deep, the point so cold.
The archer's hand once held mine
Such love and joy - our hearts entwined

Poison begins to seep inside
In God's hand I must abide
The stinging pain brings doubt and fear
The one I loved and held so dear

How can it be - why can't he see
O dear Lord, please strengthen me
My heart resists the walls of anger
My faith stands up against what I cannot answer

The poison tries to ravage me
Doubt inflicts such misery
Lord, I call upon Your Name
So distraught, Your word I claim

Your hands they lift me out of this pit
My eyes on Yours I now fix
I'm taken up from this fleeting life
And carried to a different plight

Angry voice crying out
I'm confused, what's this all about
Your eyes look on the men You touched
The *****, the blind - You gave so much

There, the woman with her son
You met her when it seemed his life was done
Year after year that lame man did wait
Until one day, You changed his fate

So may faces once needed You
How could they now just turn from You
How deeply You knew the heart of man
Deceptive, fallen - hopeless circumstance

Yet, You laid down all you have
Despite the arrows, You became our salve
Forgive me, Lord, and make of me
That servant like Your Son I'll be

I'll heal the broken and give sight to the blind
Although, there'll be those I leave behind
The hurt, it stings as the arrows plunge deep
But, it's your life, not mine - I will seek

Thank You, Lord, for showing again
Your, love, Your grace - and what I gain in the end

His life had been the kind that touched the wind,
That defied the rain, that became a part of all that was.
Twas his effort alone that turned the pedals,
That spun the wheels and took him where he e’er would go.
Sophisticated man he was, dismounted his bike when day was done.
Saddest day when his foot was stayed, like the setting of the sun

(May 1, 2012)

Your Word becomes the stakes that crucify this flesh
Your truth becomes the thorn that pierces this pride
The sword it rips into my soul and renders it dead
The painful cries ring out inside, to live again then I must die

I'm dying just to live again
I'm drowning just to swim again
In the rivers of undying life
Awakened from a mortal's plight

I'm running after You
I'm reaching after You
O Lord, find me - find me!

In the valley of such dryness; in a land of barrenness
A song I sing of plentitude - faith's song of mercy met
The well of waters burst forth in me - a wellspring of His life
No long is it I that live, the life I live is Christ's

As the blanket of the night falls in upon my soul
A voice cries out - it pierces me; a cry I can't control.
A melody of rhythms pulsate in my mind.
A harmony of triads, so dissonant and strong
Cries out in desperate longing for connection with the One
Whose music fills an empty heart and soothes the one undone.
This melody it haunts me as I fight to find some peace.
A song enchained in denial's hole - the curtain held in place.
Fighting with my deep desires, fear's words win over me.
I arise and try to sing above this tragedy.
I tuck away the voice inside - deafening its cry.
The new song I sing is more pleasing to my outer man's facade.
No depth, no joy, no lasting message; I find no real release.
The song within breaks through my mind and I'm driven to my knees.
My voice now sings the melody each note now resonates.
At first alone, the chorus sounds as it rises up to meet
The anthem's song of praise to Him Who sits upon the throne.
Deliverance is its sweet refrain - my voice now unrestrained.
I am lifted to a higher place drowning in this song of praise.
It's You O God, my King, my Love -
To You my heart does sing
A song of love and great desire
My soul is set on fire!
The intimacy I fought so long, now choosing to receive
I join with You in our love song
Fore'er with You I'll be.

Sitting here with You
My soul is renewed
In Your eyes I can see
Such love for me - I'm free

Your heart longs for me
Your voice beckons to me
"Precious child, please stay!
Come run away with Me!"

And I'll abandon myself to You
I'm giving my all to You
I give up my pride, the idols inside
I'm free to worship You

You are all that I need
You are all that I seek
Sacrificed life
Glory revealed in me

Such joy unexplained
Such peace unfeigned
You have given to me
Life that is free to be.

And I'll abandon myself to you
I'm giving my all to You
All selfishness gone - I'm free to go on
Giving my praise to You

There is no love like that of my Savior
It's as deep as an ocean; higher than mountains grandeur
In my deepest of sorrow, it lifts me
Though surrounded by trouble, it saves me
Make me to know your love more and more
May I share Your love to all who are poor
You've taken me out of deepest distress
You've set me on high; from my enemies give rest
When my heart was broken and shattered from sin
It was Your hand that held me and restored me again
O how I love You, my God and King
O how I love You, my Savior and Friend.
Though my love's not enough to repay what You've done
Teach me, O God, to give back to someone.
O to know the height and the breadth
Of Your love - to know its width and its depth

Imprisoned behind bars of deception
Fear the padlock that keeps me hidden
Creation's purpose reduced to death
From perfect peace to hell's unrest

The veil it separates love's true design
Two lovers once joined now confined
Grasping to take back what once was mine
O First Love ... you're my desire

My hand reaches past this fear I've known
Through darkness' window I feel for you
Your fragrance draws me - I can't resist
Deception revealed, I seek heaven's kiss.

You've laid it all down, the veil has been torn
For nothing but love such pain you have borne
Grasping to take back what one was Yours
For Your first love, the cross You endured

My eyes fixed on You - my life breathes for You
Sweet honey You are - You restore my soul

Suddenly a bud breaks forth
With all beauty and expectant life.
Held steady by the branch which holds it;
Secured by love through day and night.

The full beauty of this new birth
Still held within its being,
Is nourished by that which keeps it -
By that which sees the unseen.

Soon the lovely leaf is seen
In all of its great splendor;
The colors show such giftings.
Its potential, who can measure?

Suddenly, though held so close,
That life is drawn away
By earthly pleasures, joy unmeasured;
That leaf now flies away.

Once released, it flies unfettered,
Free from all that held it.
Able to go now its own way
Forgetting the one who kept it.

The freedom feels alive and new,
True joy it seems revealed.
Hovering above all that was taught
The branch’s ways concealed.

As quickly as the freedom came
So fear that one now knew.
Unhappiness and misery,
The days of joy now few.

Falling, falling, down so low
To places yet unknown;
Beneath the hands that held it close
To the ground – alone.

The cold of winter covers up
The beauty of the colors.
Death now closes in that heart
Upon it darkness hovers.

But, the hands reach down to lift me up.
That voice of comfort lulls me.
She speaks to me encouraging words.
Her wisdom breaks me free.

Once again I fly so high
But, not so far again
From loving arms and faithfulness;
My mom and I ascend.

To places high and lifted up;
To heaven’s perfect love
I find myself where I belong,
Where she saw me all along.


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