I’ve got a history of one night stands.
Nights that end alone,
Adding up the lovers it all blurs
into an escapade of ecstasy.

                 Abusadora,
Is what is written across my heart.
So diseased, and devoured I can’t help the desire I have
to be touched, and consumed.

Eat all my words, envelop all that I am.
Let me take you in, and let you rot inside for the night.
False connections. Yet my body knows what to do next,
Just get undressed and let my insatiable appetite do the rest.

I left you behind, on purpose.
I had you leave my titillating circus.
No need for you to stay,
When I cannot even begin to behave.

I am my own best company.
Especially when I become what one would define as, Aroused.
So I’ll teach myself to remember
that history is often repeated.

I’ll dispose of the man that thinks he is worthy
Of all that is that makes me.
For there is no other sensation best kept
As the ones my own body does *****.

When darkness creeps

She seems to die in the night, 

Laying her head down to rest. 

Accepting the surreal world she 

Sometimes doesn’t remember.

It isn’t exactly a place of death,

Where she stays each night. 

Yet, each morning she is reborn

As the sunlights stretches into her room,

Acknowledging it doesn’t take all day

To find the purpose of its glow.

maybe I think too much, and maybe I don't think enough.
doubt can be found anywhere, anything can be bound to tear.  

the way we were raised can only effect us in our graves
if that is what we choose,
while some can argue we have everything to gain,
and far too much to lose.

now I see that words are more powerful than I can understand;
used to destroy, or to give a helping hand.

is it pleasure that you are seeking out?
is life's endeavor what it's all about?


the mind is far more malleable
when we understand that we are capable.

Ohhh the **** I have read online.
The **** that erupts from our mouths,
and through our finger tips,
Mine of course included in that heap
of never ending opinions.

Hey, what buttons are you clicking on now?
Pressing, and touching.
All I hear is the click clack of nothing.
So go ahead, let these very words
distract, distract, distract
You.

Yeah, the world has changed.
Surely it has even rearranged its concepts and morals.
Just turn on the tube, and you'll see the explicit truth
displayed like the movement of our bowels.
**** I tell ya.
****.

It's concentrated into little advertisements
for the endless materials we don't need.
Saturated in the last morsel of humanity,
we disregarded the taste,
and chose to live in the corruption,
believing something
will save us.
We wait and do nothing,
expecting it to just happen.
Well wait no longer,
just keep browsing the web.
                  I'll probably just
continue
writing these words,
into your eyes they will be fed.

Maybe it's just my mind that has become rotten
in all the moments of life that were forgotten,
due to the distractions.
                               All the distractions.
I guess it's just difficult to grasp them,
but still, it is hard
Getting used to the stench our minds have created,
allowing ourselves to become jaded
in technology.

While without knowing
that we are telling ourselves,
                                               Why not let truth be left for the dusty books on the shelves.

I'll remember to eat optimism in the morning,
So that way I can **** excellence by evening.

Maybe one day I'll be as lucky
As the dinosaur bones
Found under the ground.
Instead my words will decay
And rot away
Like our atmosphere.

I pitty those in charge, who ****** thousands of humans
For fossil fuels.

And currently,
I am happy.
Because i've already felt everything else.

My face wears no smile,
My eyes don't tell a story.
I have a heart that beats and finger nails that grow.
It seems to be working out just fine,
And to be honest--
                                  I think it always has.

dare i say,
that it was love in that syringe?

your skin shows the signs of dirt.
***** from the streets, and just surviving.
i let you hold my hand.
i knew that you were leaving.
i let you bite my neck.
i knew you of your hardships.
i let you kiss my lips.
i knew i might not ever see you again.

my hands are now ***** as well.
but it was you who accepted all my flaws first;
did you put me under a spell?
although before all you had seen was beauty, and perfection
maybe you were even deceived by how thankful i was to be alive.
so i chose not to partake in deception.
the truth escaped me.
i no longer hid behind these eyes,
even though i did often have to close them.
the tears escaped me.
you told me not to cry.
you told me it was going to be okay.
you told me of your flaws.
and still i wept.
this shameful pity i carry,
i finally see now how useless it is.
but in that moment,
in that hotel room i loved you.
and i wanted you,
i wanted you to be happy.
i wanted you to be loved.


you whispered into my ear, i'll try to keep in touch.
the goodbye was quick, and sadly rushed.
i love you.
it all happened so fast.
i don't even know if it was real.
the tears i now feel, truthfully remind me it was.
i wasn't dreaming.
you embraced me.
and traced your name into my soul.
your gone now.
and i hope you are okay.
wherever you are, or wherever you may go.

{After James Tate's 'Consolations After an Affair'"}

My piano breathes with each of its keys:
it aspires to inspire change
in someone's watering mind.
I have paintings that I did not paint
that do more observing than the scientist.
They know nothing of evolution and it's hypothesis.
For them to see and feel
is all they need to express.
I've discovered that I don't need
to prove myself for my own approval.
A jellyfish escapes and dances behind me
as swift as the flame of a fire.
Now I can taste the truth,
a place filled with disgust and desire.

When addressing the bones that hold me up
I notice they still stand strong,
Even when
                       my weak morals seem
to only crash down...
             Down towards an underground
life.

Thoughts subdued in poison;
A disappearing mystery.
No control of emotion,
The definition of perplexity.

         The enigma of the mind
         That withers in the winds of time.

Still I search for that unknown
          which hides itself from me;
Slipping past the shadows,
Of the ghosts that I once knew.
            Even I have become a memory--
Rushing towards a synthetic manifestation.

A truth discreetly concealed,
Scars proclaiming sincerity,
The moment of self-affliction
Where I finally choose
               To change my character and direction.

We live in times of blind acceptance,
absorbing all things possible through
technology.

Loving the options, we scroll through
aisles of the same final product,  
advertised through a  different
touch of what is perceived as genuine,
or discounted;

all wanting a better outcome for
anything that will benefit
the me--

the end leaving us before
the one true requirement--
that human beings rely on;
the idea of what it is that
pushes us towards being accepted,
acknowledged….
Loved.

and here I stand;

I know nothing,
and disregard all attachment.

Whatever it is that makes me,
wants something
to prove,
and I care nothing for
proving myself to anyone.

I would rather die for someone
else, than learn to die for myself.

ahahha.
Humanity,
More like a circus ring
of counterfeit conformity
we continuously
jump through;

rings of discernment that have only one
surviving outcome--
to acknowledge truth,
or find demise in disregard

let us all become one, through our
desire to be perceived as someone
who ceases judgment upon the world,
and inside the mirrored mind
behind the eye.

Oh yes,
let the wave of ego
cause the most ultra turbulence,
tossing and crashing all the
choices we engrave into stone.

absorbing the chaos of what it
means to be human.

and yet we are also the generation
who is best at neglecting,
and even better at diversion, so let
us live on in the desensitization
of consequence,

ignoring the constant feeling
of conviction, and condemnation,
when enlightenment waits patiently
within the search for wisdom.

We can accept, or neglect
the creation.
For fear understood is often the
answer to longevity.

slipping past conscience actions.
diving into the idea that maybe things will go
                                                              ­                         the way that i've hoped.

now all that is left to do is extract the expectations,
& i'm left stranded.                 my mind is smashing into the bottom
of a self created abyss that leads towards the truth that
to exist is to perceive. i watch my choices extend themselves
into my future, into how i see myself.


no reflection showing worth.

through adaptation i made comfort
in the dark.
the clouds came in, and decided to stay;
lingering in the sky, just barely out of reach.
they are so low, and i'm solo.

i don't.
i don't need.
i don't need this.
i don't need this anymore.

so i'll make up reasons to leave.
push myself further and further away from what others define as love.
whereas my dictionary is full of lies,
and the truth is,
i don't really mind.

i twisted and turned;
running as fast as my bones would allow.
i'm a little exhausted--
but i'm too tangled to care.

and all this time
i thought
except me.
accept me.

i feel so tired
there seems to be a lack of oxygen
have the demons all conspired
to make me their kin?
is it their whispers that sway my opinion?

i fight back the tears that my heart wants to release
i fight a battle of the mind, and all i want is peace
but it sickens me to think that i have this disease
so the medication seems to be working,
but the dosage is what they might have to increase

you don't know.
but thats quite alright.
it is mutual, and i don't think of you as my foe
please, i don't want to fight
i have the scars all over my body
that tell of past pain
and deep inside i know that i'm a druggie
use and abuse, just like any other ******

my heart feels as if it's sinking into an ocean
but inside i feel i have an inkling notion
that i have to fight this war
i have to survive through the bombs, and than even more
the swords pierce my flesh
i quickly wish that i was dead
but all of this, it's all just in my head

i keep going.
the words are continuously flowing.
and here i am, not even knowing--
what i am supposed to do next
when i feel as if i'm so terribly vexed
but to keep on keepin on is what is best
i don't even mind if i fail the test
we'll just have to find out whats left of the rest...

and i don't write these words for you to read
i write them because i feel the need
to let it out
before i turn into one of those demons;
to begin to scream and shout
for i do not want to hurt you
the way that i have been hurt
but even the most beautiful of flowers need the dirt

so i push my way up through the soil
all of the worlds gravity feels as if it's weighing me down
i am soon facing the hatred and turmoil
but i try not to frown
and i feel as if the smile is faux--
like the ones on a clown
painted up to decieve thee
all to make you think i am happy
and i am.
i am.

i am only human.
i am, and was born into sin.
i am no where near perfect.
i am an addict.
i am kirsten.
i am an enemy, but i want to be a friend.
i am bipolar.
i am living on the border.
i am faced with trials and tribulations.
i am prescribed numerous medications.
i am happy.
i am sad.
i am the words you are reading.
i am the smile thats so easily decieving.
i am the epitome of me;
does that have a meaning?

now the tug of war seems to be misleading
i am swaying from side to side
while others see my pain, i see them grieving.
but my emotions are what i try to hide.
i don't want to have to see them leaving;
i feel so alone inside.

i have a pain only i can feel,
and no, i do not want you to understand.
and no, i do not want you to walk in my shoes.
but won't you please take my hand?
help me forget all the past abuse...

Finding sanctuary in her sleep 

she eats

her dreams

To keep herself from starving.

She tells sweet stories from her bed,
Where magical places can be found on the pillow,
And the tears can
leak
onto the
sheets
When the living dream is mundane and hollow.

Waking every few hours, 

To note the time the clock portrays.

Letting it also eat the day away.
Measuring the light and dark so carefully,
We forget
that
we
too
spin.
And now she is disregarding
Time’s very own mechanism;
She lays
Her head
Back down.

Hours pass, just like the days.
All of it lost in a fantasy within her distorted reality.
The food rots in the kitchen.
Her thoughts rot in her mind.
Nothing is the same,
Nothing was ever sane.

She jumped in and out of her stories.
Hoping her own narration wasn’t boring.
Naive, as well as stubborn
She unknowingly traveled into a nightmare--
Walking away from her bed
She felt so cold,
Not understanding it was she that was dead.
Her dreams still persist,
for life,
was her unwanted gift.

a jezebel in past memories
or was it the men who took over--

after all it was there tendencies



a town like hell in past memoires

or was it the house of god--

after all that is what it transalates;

or is it just a fraud?



change comes.

change goes.

so add your sums,

find the pimps and hoes.

it's reality i love.

the sound of the siren.

but in this economy were getting fired--

when the jobs should be a hirin'

but i don't mind the flame

this mind of mine is one you cannot tame

take the torch, to burn the web--

he would rather see that black widow dead.

but i enjoy life, even the poison.

lay down in that bed,

ask for a little bit of arson

to go with that martini--

choices are in the end an action

with a consequence

can you see the beauty?

a cage, a prison, a fence

or is it just a fraction

of the picture;

maybe it is just a mirror

and the thing you see deep within

is just the sight of fear

and we learn to look away

because hard truth doesn't seem quite okay

we lie to you, to ourselves to ease the pain

each and every day.

****, I'M LOSING MY MIND

as the clock ticks it's time.

is it in, or just sane?

the answer is one we must create--

not find.

but we still keep ah searchin.

lookin for that love.

lookin high and low,

under and above.

we wait, we go.

we hate our libido.

cause baby you just want to **** fast, then slow

then walk out that do'

never ask for any mo'

i guess it's just my mother ******* ego.

so eat the pineapple raw.

get caught in satans claw.

break the pieces to the jigsaw.

cause i care, and i don't.

i contradict my each and every thought.

but these wars seem to have already been faught.

and all i seem to have got

are these bombs

and many a gun

we'll use them in your front lawns

teach your children it is fun!

so cut off the leg and an arm

it's in the tradition of a religion

when a girl misbehaves.

but my father told me

thats what he would do if he followed those customs too.

and words no longer penetrate my heart, nor soul.

i just let them go.

you can't hurt me

just try to insert thee.

see the pain you will be in.

all because of fornication--

it can be as brutal as the storm of an ocean,

but maybe as sweet as a potion.

and i'm not lookin to find a person

to listen to my every word an...

****

cause right now thats how i think of it.

i slept alone before i met you,

and i will sleep alone post-abuse.

this is why i choose to refuse;

to live in hell.

to be the jezebel.

to kiss, and tell.

instead i shall choose

not to be defeated and lose

but to keep my soul, to choose not to sell.

just look to the future, and excel.

i have long since desired to "be somebody", for i already am.

sometimes confidence escapes me, as if it were carbon dioxide.

positive prompting enforced by words from a friend down the street, or across the country may be what keeps us all going
when the coldness of doubt creates hesitant characteristics.

as i get lost in thoughts, i want to guarantee that i am not alone.

but a guarantee might just be an unfulfilling word in this false advertising world.

an outside perspective is often necessary, even when isolation can give the impression of trumping solidarity.

After all my decisions are the one and only true responsibility

learning to have have faith, and performing my actions with assertive behavior is indeed something i need to work on.

"you don't have AIDs do you?"
i smile and laugh while i reply no.

but there is a dark secret inside my soul;

i fear that it is written across my heart for the world to see.

i worry i shall be alone until my last breath.



friends shall come and go,

just like the clouds.

i wouldn't mind if one decided to stick around...

but i shall not hope for things that are unlikely.

thats how hearts break ya know.



as i smoked a cigarette this morning,

i noticed a dying plant.

as i gazed at it's withering leaves--

that are slowly turning yellow

i marveled at how it is quite obvious too see it's demise.

i than began to question my own death.

i am surely killing myself slowly with the narcotics,

the cigarettes, and the apathetic thoughts.

but am i showing any signs of dying?

i then realized that just like that plant,

we must be fed the proper nutrients.

we must receive the proper love and care.

all in order to grow, to live, and to survive.

but what are these proper necessities that humans require?

how do i receive the love my heart desires?

so i finished that cigarette, and as i stood up to go back inside,

i lost my balance.

the crutches flew from underneath my hands.

and i fell.

i fell with what seemed like elegance, and with great impact.

it felt like an eternity of falling--

maybe i was going down a rabbit hole of the mind.

but sooner before later my body slammed against the earth.

no longer was i weightless in midair.

tears quickly began to leak from my eyes.

i laid on the ground, so helpless; weeping.

not too long after, i sat up.

my tears had ceased,

and i thought to myself,

'why do i cry, am i waiting for someone to rescue me?'

i know that no one is around,

and yet i hope for someone to offer their hand.

however, in life, one must learn to stand on their own.

i shall fall again.

i don't know when, or where--

but i will fall.

and i am okay with that.



the day goes on...

i think,

and i think.

i do not find the answers i'm looking for,

but i do find other answers.

i come to conclusions.

i discover lies, that i believed to be truths.

i recover from past pain.

i dwelled in long forgotten memories.

i realize that love is whatever we want it to be...

and most importantly i realize i do not love ***.

i just love the idea of someone making love with me.

the idea of someone loving me.

the idea of someone wanting me,

and most importantly not just wanting my body.

after all i truly do desire to be wanted:

for my intellect, for my opinions,

for who i am.

for being kirsten.

i will admit my skin does crave attention,

and maybe in all the wrong places.

but oh how i would enjoy the touch of someones hand,

upon my own.



during the day i was also told by a dear friend

that it does not matter if you are rich, nor poor

or what the circumstances you are living under;

you can be out on the street, living in a box,

but as long as you still have your family,

the family that love and care for you--

that is all that matters.

i do believe it was the most beautiful thing he has ever told me.



and slowly, but surly i begin to forgive myself

for all the pain i have brought into my family's hearts.

trials and tribulations have been endured by us all,

and there will be more to come.

however, i do now understand, that i can rely on my family

for their love and support, no matter the circumstances.

so the roses my father has given to my mother will die.

she may not have said thank you when she received them,

but it is the thought that counts...

isn't it?



please, please don't forget about me

i silently whisper.

fear of friends disappearing truly worries me.

i attempt to keep them in my life,

a part of me wishes they would never leave.

but seasons change, just like our beliefs.

the clouds will continue to pass in the sky,

only for that sky to be filled with new clouds,

new beginnings, new journeys, new beliefs.

we outgrow friends, just like when we were younger,

and we would outgrow our shoes.

so maybe it is best that i've been so lonely lately.

all so i can reevaluate my life, my choices, and who i surround myself with.



i now wonder if i'll change.

it is all that is left for me to do...

i can see my faults clearly,

and guilt often overwhelms me.

when will i stop using? will i ever?

am i able to quit smoking cigarettes?

i must be capable of finding friends that treat me with respect...

right?

i can love my family a little more each day.

but more importantly i shall learn to love myself a little more each day.

for how am i supposed to learn to love others,

if i cannot even love myself?

i do find that i am my own worst enemy.

but things can change.

and things will change.

the choices are all my own.

i just have to want it badly enough to do something about it.

lets hope i can practice what i preach

before it is too late.

My bones never got upset when they fractured, when they shattered. They only proceeded to heal.
It is the serenity found after the storm that keeps my faith alive.
Choices all around, and more importantly within.

My bones never got to decide if they wanted to rehabilitate themselves or not.
They only proceeded to heal.
It is the acceptance of all that is, and that which is not
that keeps my faith alive.
Choices all around, and more importantly within.

My mind is not spatially located, but my thoughts prove it’s existence.
I see a smile, I hold back tears;
Frightened when I know the truth can no longer be held captive.
My mind is not spatially located, but my thoughts prove it’s existence.
I choose to smile, I choose to cry.

Truth so often believed that it will set us free,
But I have come to understand that it is the truth that binds us.
Leaving no room to escape,
unless concealed and disguised under lies--
Lies that are known, even when they become a placebo.

“I shall please.”

Now that I have buried the one recurring thought in the earth,
I have learned to survive with mouthfuls of dirt.
Dirt as dry as the bones I will leave,
the bones that did not have a choice.
Dirt as filthy as the mind that chooses the gutter.
Dirt as impure as the deceit I can transform into honesty.
I will not be frightened any longer, For the truth is no longer my prisoner.

stay in. go out. the choice is mine.
smile smile smile smile
life is too short to be caught up in sorrow
so i push harder each time the world pulls me
i'm not going to give up
when i've got so much

thoughts twist and turn
hurling across my mind
like a hurricane
all the while the peace remains
a war of head versus heart?
no. much more like a war of contradicting values
striving for morality, thinking it will save me

do unto others as you would have them do unto you

sounds good enough for me, wouldn't you agree?
ahhh. but we each have our own opinion on the matter
of how we choose to act towards our loved ones,
even the ones we don't care about
often taking them for granted
blind to just how much beauty we all posses
oblivious to the obvious while it lays right before us

we can keep searching though
we've got the time
even when we think it's running out
just like the paper that was given value
please baby, i just wanted to love you

we make our own enemies
we make our own decisions
no one else can take the blame
only our hearts can feel our shame

so i'll keep dancing in the sunset and
swinging into the stars in the dead of night,
arguing  about life and how it all just becomes a memory


hey, you want to go on an adventure now?


sometimes things don't have a significant meaning;
unless you give it one
so don't run away, run with me
we don't need to feel so alone
i've been waiting for you this whole time...

I'm not exactly sure of where this is going, or if it will go anywhere at all.
Maybe our intellect will go out of service, and there will be nothing left.
That was a memory, and time changes the mind.
You can be shy, while i talk to strangers.
I want you to tell me all of your truths.
Hide what you want, you can keep your secrets
because i'm not exactly sure of where this is going,
or if it just ended when you waved goodbye.
The light in the metro was so bright and unveiling.
you sat next to some girl, and so did i.
I sat in front, and you sat behind.
You can be shy, while i talk to strangers.
Reciting stories and memories, of times when we were impressed.
but words are just words, unless you give them a meaning.
you aren't the same person, that i remember.
You don't have to be shy anymore, just create your own definitions.
I'll write out your dictionary, word after word in a subliminal text. Decoding the font, and my personality you see into what i knew not.
You gave me your number.
She said you got to have at least ten,
just in case one isn't interested.
Your company is lovely, while you think that of the money.
work for a living, and live for those who make you happy.
so i'll be whispering, just to make sure that you are listening.
you don't say a word, i try to stay calm.
I don't want to say, or do anything wrong
because i'm not exactly sure of where this is going,
or if it just ended when I walked away.
The train just kept going, and we all have a routine,
i just ask that you don't forget about me.
what is it that i have to do, to make you smile, just to please you?
don't be the stranger that lives in my dreams,
where under the welcome mat you will find the key.
there will be no secrets left this time to find,
or thoughts that need to untangle and slowly unwind.
so don't forget there is a constant pressure,
it's something we all endured over the years.
don't swallow the ink, or the dish soap.
i left the cleaner under the cabinet,
so now i think it's my fault.
the news blames the people, the people blame the news.
i don't want exposure, but there isn't enough death
that is caused by cancer-- so we just keep smoking along.
The lies all have a purpose, just like the sad clowns
who live with the circus.
paint on the smile, just stay a while,
i won't mind if you don't say anything at all.

Honesty was buried in the grave
that you dug for fear of making
yourself look bad
as you shoved the dirt atop
the excuses that sound so clever
in your thoughts.
As if I am too clueless to understand
the truth that you hold back.

How can I be embarrassed that
your decisions resulted in colored pencils,
instead of a dictionary.
That it is dull words that slip through our phone calls
to keep you occupied with your life,
creating ways to relate them to me--
when they don't.

The last time I used a shovel,
I was raking leaves.
The required tool was not available,
but I made the best of it,
and still told the truth at the end of it.
So lets make plans for the future
none of us are promised,
because lies are found deep in our structure.

This is no treasure hunt,
I do not have to seek out  
accumulated values that belong to
someone other than me.
my metal detector is better used as
a prop to hold my broken window shut,
because it used to be a habit
to lock myself out.

And now I have a life of authenticity to take me
to the heart of a dirt-free familiarity.
Where others are required to leave their dreg diggers
at home where it is more comfortable,
if they want to communicate with me;
I never have to look down on myself again.
my emptiness has been filled.

further more, further more upon that twisted path
a labyrinth of minds emotions
trying to re
live
                               the past.
chunks of time taken from inside
memories fasding fast--
in the shadows you try to hide
but the present is where one cannot find;
hidden in what is lost.

Lost lovers, love lives
hiding under covers,
where one should never estimate over
the bridge that builds trust and ships.
Ships that sail across the sand,
so dry and desolate.
Here you take what is not yours,
and embrace the
starving
                 quiet.

Practicing in the dark,
the curtains have all burned.
A star shoots across the carpet,
and falls
on
   to
      the
floor.

Desperate faces, lost in the maze,
and nothing is ever going to change
unless you take
that first
step
and then accept
what it is
that they call
                           death.

If only I could capture this moment forever;
                     streaks of the sunset
                     pushing itself past
                     the forest of trees.
the uncomfortable calm
of being truly alone;
                     not even i can
                     understand the
                     whispering of the leaves,
                     but only accept,
                     and embrace
                     it's soothing hush.
I light the match
that starts the fire,
a self-inflicted disease.
only a skeleton remains.
                     & yet it is so
                     easy to destroy
                     our morals
                     & dissolve
                     our values.
we hold close to the heart
and treasure that which
                     is our own created demise

if only i could capture this moment forever;
                     a truth so tormenting
                     we have words like
                     eco-friendly,
                     lost in translation
                     we scream for sanctity--
for we know not what we do.

                     our hands,
                     are hands
                     that have built
                     the monster disguised
                     as a machine.

                                          so let us embrace this moment
                                          where these words,
                                          these words were your home
                                          for a brief moment
                                          in your life.

And in the times where I believed I have forgotten who I am,
I remember who it is that I want to be.
Days layer themselves upon my conscience, unaware
that the doubt that has survived through my blood stream
year, after year, after year still prevails.

Remind me again, of the self-destructive path I lead
in times of past where I was left in my own
deception, as you stood on the other side of your
own self built picket lines.

A daughter who never earned self-respect even
when she did everything she was told just by looking
at the eyes of judgment. Understanding that the
love would not be there otherwise.

Hell with insurance, and pieces of paper given
value that try to constrict my choices, in who I want
to be as a person. Yet these are the borders I have
endured as a child, taught as a consumer without limits,
from parents who thought they knew what was best.

So we try to remember the future by forgetting
our problems, running away as our blood
runs deeper.
We are just bones, with flesh.

How we have this knowledge is a
secret we die for.

Distance unravels with each ambivalent
word that falls out of my mouth.
Only a fragment of my thoughts are
let out-- the fear of you knowing the truth
about the way you make my heart confuse
my head, holds me back from embracing
the only love, life has thrown my way.
holds me tighter than the memories hand
cuffed to your touch, and our legs intertwined
beyond the bed of liquor we would consume.

I am still your desire, for actions prove themselves
in the late hours of your drunkenness, even
though it was you who left me when you stole
the tequila the dawn after a night filled with naked
souls, sinfully cheating there way past redemption.
It was my first real naked party.
And my mind jumps to the idea that you were just
waiting for reasons to cut me loose.
But in that moment I felt relieved that for once, I had
been used. Used as a life support of love.

Mentalities that leak all over my everything.
            Uncertainty has eroded my respect of self.

Opportunities are disregarded.
Ideas strewn across the room.

            A dose of lies so potent
           It deteriorates my motives, and beliefs.

Struggling to resist the voice inside
that started as a whisper;
a slight breeze in a self made hell.

           I spoke too soon, yet I haven't said a thing.

A silence so aesthetic it takes me to the edge
Where I am vulnerable to only that which is true.

          My demons hide behind mirrors,
          And haunt the corridors of my thoughts.

Their surreptitious plans demand All of me.
I am placed in their pockets, and am considered the favor
upon which they believe they deserve.  

             Pirating my spirit, Robbing my composure,
             They only desire my emotions.

For if they acquire My happiness,
they know,
My happiness is the only thing
that can save me from my dues, my debts. 


This very reason, is why I fight, 

This very reason, is why I shall never surrender,
            Even if I am left with nothing.

my heart,
              it beats.
my eyes,
              they leak.
and i'm lucky to stand
on these two feet.

but this mind of mine
does twist and turn
                            inside.
a sweet and bitter licorice.
a loud yet quiet mechanism.
& my thoughts are not as easily shared--
like how they used to be.

because i prefer that you can't see
what isn't exactly okay with me.
& i'm so good at hiding, because i know how to seek.

so lets do what we have to.
discover what has been over looked.

i have to know what i want before i can get it;
so if you think you must, don't ever regret it.


and she said to me while i was driving
that they break you down,
so they can
build you up.
the way
they want
you built.
without you even knowing.

you have a story.
i have one too.
how else did we get here
and hear?                                                                          i thought that you knew


so open your eyes.
open your mind.
how many times have you been pushed down.
how many times have you got up on your own?

we break our selves with each of our pessimistic characteristics.
while discouragement may come easy, no one can build you back up
but yourself.

my heart,
              it beats.
but now it is stronger.
my eyes,
              they leak
even in front of a stranger.
and i'm lucky to stand
on these two feet.
because with them i can dance.

as i look around at what does surround
i have the urge to create a beauty that only lives without.
but what is on the exterior may be inferior, often ostensible;
a courage concealing doubt.
i am my own confidant, even when i am not confident.
but my choices are mine alone, only my thoughts are ones that i condone.
so with these choices i shall exclaim:
i am
but not
the one i shall blame.

Programmed to destroy 
Any inclination of affection,
A mindless drone, with no satisfaction
Losing ourselves
In a planned reaction
Where one cannot feel
Or understand the cause
That brought us
To the bed filled with flaws.
Is this our only chance
To possess each other?
Undress each other
Under the covers,
To deny the fact we are our past lovers.

The clouds are here to stay,
While the sun tries to shine
In this town that resembles
A snow-globe design.
The people are tormented,
And she is drunken in her disease--
A welcomed guest,who begs and pleads
For a savior that can save her.

The wind has died down,
It was once as sharp as the gods.
Cutting flawlessly into our memories,
And dancing away in the leaves.
Our bones remain, while our brain decays.
We used to stay up all night
Transplanting stories of when we ate the moon.
Creating boundaries, and passages
In the dark valleys of our past.
Where hatred is all that we crave
When we have made new homes in our grave.

The movement is rapid,
Going in all the wrong directions.
Overflowing promises
That only result in silhouettes of
All that I’ve tried to forget.
Trying to take hold of all that goes on,
But all that is in my grasp is the gun--
My finger already on the trigger. 

Now the demons have conspired,
They
          have
                    already
won.

Eat the throbbing pulse;
Survival is no longer necessary.
The night disappeared into morning,
And I into another mask.

Words abused and thrown across the conversations.
The little things, bigger than what they seem.
Swallowing the truth, accepting damnation.

Don’t take my hand,
I am not yours to hold.
Leave, and take your misery with you.
A path of self-destruction,
Carving eternity with my blood.

While I am left
Devoured, and numb--
Choosing ignorance
While I play the part of the coward.

Your lies, become mine.
An abundance of false happiness,
incognito,
It’s own disguise.

Pavement eating us alive.
Life pulsing all throughout the fire.
Hiding is not an option,
When it comes down to destruction and desire.

Thy world spins me into confusion, while I lack firm ground.
Commitment and it's absence can be the explanation.
I do not live in a glass house, nor does anyone I know.
I assume that is why so many
choose to throw rocks in every direction.
Waging wars to defeat those who have already been defeated
just to prove something to themselves.
My heart no longer leaps at the sound of the gun,
racing towards a finish line that can only reward anger.
I will no longer pretend to love,
for that would be allowing love to be portrayed
as a role that we play.
I am no actress, why would I choose deceit?
Enabling emotions, embracing instinct?
I am not a child any longer;
I will not play hop scotch and jump to conclusions.
Rationality is what will save me.
A mind flooded with hatred will only lead to a drowning soul.
Your words can only effect me, if that is what I will.
My words can only effect you, if you choose in doing so.
Otherwise they are just words, and this world will continue to spin with or without me.

I will devour the sky, and the storm it carries.
Biting down onto the hail that was destined for you.
The tornadoes tickling my insides,
while hurricanes drown out my thoughts.

If only I could,
                                                  steal crime
and hide
it deep within my darkest of shadows.
Where you can never find
                                                  the hatred or the lies
Of the human characteristics
that displays the routines of habit,
just to pay the mortgage,
and we pay, and pay.

So let me eat that too.
I heard that kind of paper is quite valuable,
and I don't mind if I'm already full.

I guess I just thought,
if the weatherman could lie,
just like the politicians,
why couldn't I?

passion lead by lust, and transformed
into romantic dedication to be accepted of imperfections,
easily succumbs to the denial of our own role
in the vanity of altercation....

when demons are found within us all,
in which we hope love will subdue,
blind in the present, and always the beginning,
to the essential fall.

yet after the lighthearted descent,
upon impact, each rupture of the heart,
though estranged at first break,
manifests through perspective
the beauty of our flaws, and the power that is love.

tick tock; only time can make
things grow
but if you attempt to fiddle
with father time
you will not reap what you sew
one could even consider the
travel of time a mere simplistic
crime

but even our brothers and sisters
often live in the past
just like our mothers and their misters
marriage does not last
just a piece of paper, and
two bands around a finger
and sooner before later a lust
for touch will linger
so gather the material objects to
create a raging fire
becareful of each splinter
that will do everything to conspire
against you like the cold cold winter

I've already begun to feed
the flame with each document
just like the seed that grows
into an argument
the wickedness is in our bloodstream
and we can never repent
so try to wake up from this dream
that holds you hostage
and your speeding down lifes road
on empty, and your low on milage

we don't realize the bird's beautiful song is sung for us
telling of a story that is so brutally truthful
that it almost resembles glory
their gratious tune fills the world where there is silence
giving mother earth a song to dance to
as it constantly stays in it's orbit so effortlessly
the sun shines down & all i want to do is absorb all the beauty that surronds me
but my mind continues to drown my heart & soul
with sorrow and an uncurable apathy

i crave knowledge so i learn as much as i can
but not by reading things like the encyclopedia or the dictionary
for true knowledge grows in the trees
and in each blade of grass
too often our man made weapons and machines
**** our only source of intelligance with technology
however, we musn't forget even our feet trample upon the earths diminishing beauty
so with each ray of the powerful sun
i learn the importance of why not to run;

we must face our own fears and problems
before we ourselves can learn to grow
& all i strive to be: is as pure as the snow
so i will jump into the river
when the ice is just begining to melt
because the coldness lets me understand
all the past pain that i have felt
but while i lay in my own garden of eden
a snake slithers to my side
already i know if i try to run, i will not be able to ever hide

for this very serpent has created a home in my heart
without my knowledge of it's doing so
& yet i still cannot repent
leaving my sorrows to continuously grow
i look around to only notice i am laying in a bed of weeds that are unkind
while my enemy plants his evil seeds into my fragile mind
and when i finally realize i am doing his deeds
my eyes can finally see his scales have me in a bind

i see the beauty in his tongue that can only speak of hate
than i suddenly i feel his sharp teeth sink into my soul
that results in my tragic fate
i begin to tell myself i never want to leave my youth
for i don't mind being ignorant, naive, and oblivious
and that simply is the truth

Lies hurt more than the truth ever will.
Deceit a sharp blade, leaving only blood to spill.
Trust sought out in a world full of false advertising.
Walls will be built, watch towers constantly analyzing.
And we have only ourselves to blame,
For it is only our own words that we can tame.
The choice is yours not to lie,
For later regret will be your only outcry.
Build trust instead of walls
For lies are the ongoing waterfalls;
They are hard to cease when all your know is deceit.
Be proud in your honesty,
Even when you think it may hurt another, for
Lies hurt more than the truth ever will.

This is a song that I wrote while driving home*
I realised everytime that I have to leave,
I've got to deattach more and more of you from me.

___________

I was just mindin' my business,
when you stumbled upon me,
& started throwin' rocks in my lake.
That's when I knew things started-- with a mistake.

That's when the tides started changin'
You decided to go for a swim,
My name started rearrangin'
at the touch of your skin

There was an undeniable shake
like something got shifted.
My thoughts trembled and quaked,
& I hate to admit this,
I don't want this storm to leave
Let its waves rise, and crash down on me

You're the hurricane reaching my shores;
I don't mind if the lightning strikes,
or if the thunder roars

Now your plannin' on leavin'
& I'd always seen it comin'
crashin' down every wall.
There was no rhyme or reason
in this disastrous fall

I was just mindin' my business
when you stumbled upon your way,
started kickin rocks in every direction
now we've got nothin' left to say.
You let the road take you elsewhere,
But the traffic signs weren't obeyed.
You started drivin' faster
& That's when Thursday's giant got slayed.

Now there's someone else that your after.
At first I thought I was broken and shattered.
So I have made new pieces,
& put them back together.
Let the wind take me away;

Seal my lips to keep me from sinkin;
The moon now shines brighter
& I'm accustom to the damage,
That has made my heart lighter.

I won't let go of the past,
It's all that i have
& you're out of my grasp--
Cause none of these storms
were meant to last

Two years in recovery;
Emotions disregarded.
While antibodies made homes
I created something new inside.

Have I forgotten how to feel?

Three years in secrecy;
I lived in ignorance
While whispers lie caught in webs
I discovered something new to hide.

Choosing nonentity.
A heart that is void.
Backwards living, Forward talking,
Influenced by all that is around
To grasp the idea of truth.

There is far more to all of this
Than memories, and words.

Sometimes,

On the mornings when I wake up drunk,

I notice things like the cobwebs between the railing of the stairs.

The aesthetic touch of blue that hangs above me.

Just how great it feels to lay down. Anywhere. 

And that I don’t remember the end of the night. 


Sometimes,

During the nights when I am on ecstasy,

I acknowledge our destructive behaviors,

but also the potential of each and every one of us. 

Thoughts trying to proceed in reaching the truth,

But are far too tangled to weave any real answers. 


Sometimes,

I realize that I am holding onto the anger, 

As if it will protect me...

As if my nights that turn into mornings will suffice,

Instead of leaving me insatiable.

I don't know if I will ever be able to articulate what you do to me.
And yet you do nothing, still leaving me thoroughly pleased.
I promise that I didn't mean to fall.

Maybe it is the shape of your eyes when you smile,
The way your teeth are placed and spaced in you mouth.
The sound of your voice, seldom heard, but powerful just the same.

Sometimes, I see the seriousness of your thoughts.
Our eyes hardly ever meet, and when they do,
they are averted to some useless object in the room.

We shared one night, tangled in sheets.
The touch of your skin, enveloping all of me.
Now we are left with nothing to say.  

And to be honest, I don't mind your quiet.
Because I simply don't feel I deserve your words,
So I will take your silence, because it is yours.

I prayed for sanctification;
Was awakened by tears.
A devastating crash,
That lead to the death,
That was fed by my breath;
I cannot take back that which I did not take.

Do not ask for my reason,
You were never so sure;
When you are forbidden to understand my rhyme.
Disease stricken, left with no cure
After all--
One can only borrow time.

I don’t plan on ******,
Nor do I plan to sit under the clouds of doubt.
The course that was chosen
May not have been correct,
Now I am left frozen
With little respect.

The world around, in chaos as it spins,
but I only feel the stillness
Of your heartbeat fading.
A life full of turmoil and sins,
Until you confess
Of a life that is degrading.

Currents take me and make me
Fight harder to reach the shores;
An argument of morals and values
When suddenly your voice roars
And boasts of better times.
You have lost that which was not found.

The explosion was full of toxins,
My poison seeps out my bloodstream.
Thoughts twinkle and die
When they try to hide
In the shadows that do not welcome a soul;
A darkness so deep once it was sold.

Nightmares after each waking,
And now my words are what you are taking.
While I am left baron, and empty
When it is I who has left me
For a better place where one can save face;
Silently
        Wiping the tears away

Little eyes/Little eyes/Little eyes
How do you see the big big world?
To spy it right side down, and place you wrong side up
was once our favorite game.
I have never feared falling;
it is the unexpected landing that encourages anxiety.
The picture was taken today, and that is all that matters.
Capture the spectrum that stretches between
                          you and I;

Hold inside what it is you believe to be truth.
Do not let it drown in those warm, vain tears.
If what I perceive is truly the past
please let me sway like the pendulum
forward and backward...
     but really side to side.

A window to the soul, I doubt it.
More resembling the circularity of our stories--
of our lives.
Spin on your thoughts, darkness will not allow sleep.
Knocking, to be polite.
Knocking, to allow time to hide secrets.
Enter as you wish, It's too hard to decline
after all that we have endured,
after all this time.

I eat your words, I hear your touch,
I feel only selfishness when you come inside.  
Comfortable, because I stopped caring
and because I embrace my independence.
Little lies/Little lies/Little lies

You’ve got the mountain in your eyes,
And I’ve got no more money.
Was I ever capable of all that you thought I was
Or was that the standard operation?

Your lonely ways disguised in your actions,
In your words
I find your silence.
Kept out of respect,
Even after knowing I could never love you.

I fell hard onto the concrete.
You wore a different pair of shoes.
Rolling down the asphalt,
I can’t take for granted that which I never took.

Blood drips from your shoulders.
Scars devour my body from head to toe.
There is no more room for conversation,
You practice distance from around the corner.

Past the lake that made the man,
Into the ink that has transformed
The way I interpret your                                    
                                                                                        everything.

Another man enters, and I confessed.
He was astonished, while I felt a longing
for Your ice stained eyes.

I know that which burdens me,
That which may have spread
into you through
My touch, your lovers tendencies.

But there is no connection
That could get past the infection.
Lies have built up, and clotted inside my heart.
Black and blue designs,
This bruise is so stubborn,
And it cannot be defined.

Learning the way life binds us by our choices,
and even deeper by our thoughts.

There is a pain within each of us,
one we can never understand.
As if it is built into us,
beyond the flesh we have always known.

Decisions must be made, ones that may never take us
to where our desires have made homes in hope.

Accepting the selfless actions,
I do not know for whom I live this life,
For all that I have done is because it has been expected.

I stand in the midst of this unseen battle,
fighting only myself,
asking who is it that is in control.

it's the night of fireflies
where emotions seem to flicker just like their light

faint is my breathing
and there is a lack of inspiration

guilt runs through my bloodstream
it has once said to be spoiled

and i long to live in a dream

a nasty infection;
words are stolen by the television
and the anger inside my heart seems to be in remission

for now

lets pretend it never happened
for it was far to embarassing to remember
so lets watch movies on why things are the way they are
reading has become a thing of the past
so lets add another chapter
just because

ask me questions, i don't mind
we can do it to **** the time
the time we have created
just to measure the way the world spins
just to feel in control

maybe i can see all the colors
and am searching for something
i've found years ago


actually no, i've lied
i'm not satisfied

so lets help the wounded,
let us help the blind;

tell the stories of magnificant creatues
that fly in the night==
magically they glow
choosing when they want to show the world
what it is they were destined to do

lets own our history
and erase what was here before.

no one seems to see past my fingertips.

flood warnings
aren't as easily avoided
as i'd like for them to be

the water is merky
fortelling a warning sign
of unscrupulous people who will bring me to ruin
but yet he accepts it so kindly
and turns to hold me
it felt so real, his fingers upon my skin
i never wanted him to let go
but this dream was nothing as it seems
for i know that my demise would
only be further progressed if he lingered
however the dream doesn't last
just like these thoughts of commitment
doubt seems to always find its way in
leaking onto my motivation, and perserverance
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
so i stop
before i can go on
my voice alone cannot do this on its own
and i seem to weak to stop the trickle of my ambivalence
chasing comets and shooting stars has it's mysteries
but i cannot seem to jump into the galaxy as easily as i'm wishing
wishing on the falling stars, falling into oblivion
until they wither away into nothing
and still my dreams haunt me
i can
is what i whisper on the wind
no one seems to hear for the world is drowning out each of our voices
telling us more and more each day the casualties and pollution advisories
getting lost in thoughts of tomorrow
setting myself up for failure today
it's a strange world
where things are much more than absurd
i can grasp the idea
lets just hope i can hold onto it

There was a convict in the condos.
He took two lives, one with a bat.

I first heard the story when it slipped out my neighbors drunk lips.
"He killed someone! He killed them with a bat!"
Though each word was said with such sharpness,
they seemed to drag on in her slur.
Her body staggered, as if the bones didn't want to fit,
or they didn't know how.
She kept pointing her finger.
I just wanted to smoke a cigarette, but instead I was a witness.

He was walking away at first.
Until she screamed those words.
He found her shoulders, and shoved them into the wall.
Loud whispers, until she pushed him.
But he is bigger, and he won't fall.

That's when I started screaming.
In his rage he surely must have forgotten my existence.

He walked away that night.

It wasn't until months later when the heavily protected policeman barged through their door,
and had all the children wait outside as lights were shone on the windows and doors and faces of everyone in the close proximity,
that's when I realized that there was a convict in the condos.
That he had taken two lives.
One with a bat.

Let the cold wind envelop all that I am,
Allowing it to push me further and further away from you.
I am the kite with glass string; freely falling and flying where I choose.
I am the girl with the poison sting, freely falling and flying where I choose.

Let the sun rise and melt the ice from my blood,
But still the disease remains, and the exposure can’t be contained.
I am the jellyfish, so deadly and calm; freely flowing and going where I choose.
I am the girl who will only do you wrong; freely flowing and going where I choose.

Bitter sweet love, destroying my thoughts.
I could never love you, for you could never accept the truths that hold me captive.
I am the prisoner, who is sentenced to death at daybreak;
freely giving my breath--
& my thoughts to the man who chooses my fate.
I am just the child living in ignorance who is not really a child;
Patiently waiting for that moment that will take me
To the depths where reality has been left asunder to that which is darkness,
And that which is darker then the twisting sickness inside my thoughts.

Arise, with no recollection of the life you have lived,
The choices that have been made;
All that is acknowledged are the burdens of consequence.
Where blood boils and spews so frequently, all you know is sorrow.
There is no essence of time, and anger pointless--
For it was your own actions that lead you astray,
And helped you arrive at this very destination,
Where sugar isn’t considered as sweet as damnation.

Sometimes the clocks tick when I forget
I am human.

Every day runs in through my past,
and is happening right now.

I'm no gypsy
but i think it will continue
in the future i have yet
to embrace.

Each day
can be
like yesterday, through selectivity.

Experiencing each thought, and
choice we make, we change the
slightest bit; unaware of the emotions
that teach unspoken lessons.

A subconscious that holds true;
each hand holding itself, in anticipation of acceptance.

A line through all memories; a foundation that holds us up--
measuring the definition of life.

Time is a word created, and change is choice.

It is all perspective.

Free will is my tombstone,
as I continue
to promise to hold my grave
in each day.

My words aren't the juice you are searching for,
The words that will suddenly change your opinion,
about everything.
about anything.

My words are just words.

I wouldn't even consider them mine,
when it comes down to it.

The television lets you escape,
lets you live another life.
Why don't you just turn that television on,
instead of reading this.
Reading my words.

It doesn't matter,
Time will go on,
The alarm will go off,
Your routine awaits.

I will, because I am too much of a coward to not.

                         The beat carries something more, something more than the blood that is pumping.  I'm not trying                                                           ­      to get carried away, but I guess I am being taken away.
      Somewhere I've never been.
Where                    strangers are more than just the friends I have acquired. 
        
              

               Your words are scattered and chattered all over the scenes of conversation. 


                              I don’t want this attention.

                Did you have a bag with you?
                One that interprets the truth of all that you hold,

                All that you carry? 

                
                Don’t look at me that way. 

                Don’t expect more than you can endure. 

                Our wishes, after all are just time
                spent wasted,

                So I choose to not let
                my knowledge leave me degraded. 


                Pushed to limits, and still believing in the words

                That hold us together, 

                Whether their argument is sound,   Or NOT. 

And here I am, caught and stuck
            In the tornado
      of self-destruction.
               Drink it in, forget without.
                     Who knows what it is that we feel, 
        
                   In the tangles of webs that we make our homes. 
         Erase, what, was, known,
Erase, the, words, that, have, been, absorbed.

Erase, and let
                       the world be new again.

government officials threaten to take away everything.
pay your taxes they viciously repeat.
uncle sam's pants have become torn and withered;
our money slipping and diminishing right before our countries eyes.
families soon have no home.
will we suffer from the same fact,
is there even an existing loan that can save us,
because the bills have made us broke-- flat.
too bad it was that car i crashed.
wake up calls seem to be a part of life,
and quite necessary.
so a mother of a friend asks me,
'Did you learn your lesson?, Because the universe will continue to hit you if you haven't'

The doctors say the pain will come and go,
my father reminds me, that i will reap what i sew.
a friend states, how did you not know?
i suppose i should be my own hero.
not relying on addictions that seem to be a window
to a place of pain and sweet sweet sorrow.
how did i not know?
was it the blind actions that made realization slow?
how did i not know?
i should have learned from past mistakes-- made a **** simple memo
how the **** did i not know?
so i close my eyes, let the anger subside-
i must let the peace grow.
change my thoughts, and the choices on my minds chateau.
before i decide to do something that may in the end lose my life;
leave me between hell and heaven-- in limbo.
how did i not know?

a change of personality
accepting the worlds gravity.
yeahhh.
i don't mind if it ***** me down,
it doesn't have to produce a frown
upon this face of mine.
a quick smile tells you i must be kind.
and truly, truly i have no intentions for me to not be.
i do believe one must treat others the way they want to be treated.
that way hate and rage will maybe be defeated.
so let the reservoir unleash the power;
why reserve the knowledge?
do you think ignorance is bliss?
do you seem to ask yourself
why me, why this?
ha. silly little rabbit, tricks are for kids.
so don't blame the world because it just exists.
it's foolish to ask silly questions like those.
i mean, honestly, can you see past your nose?
do you ever stop to 'smell the rose'
or maybe it seems to have another name.
one that dictionaries can't even tame.
and still we will point the fingers
since it's ourselves we don't want to blame
how did i not know?