She's gone, but I never understood what it meant.

I honestly do not feel right at all. How I have to listen to instructions before doing the things that I have to do, how I will get punished if I do the things the way I do. I feel so trapped. Everything's been taken away from me in a blink of an eye but not a single apology was returned. I tried so hard, gave all of me for the past 2 weeks yet I can't help but think I've just wasted my time here. You have to know that I only have three views in my life; what I want, what I need and what I deserve. But where should I ever put you in? I just can't seem to figure that out. You can give me a thousand reasons to why I am here but trust me that will never work out. You can say that it's all about accepting, you can say that there are always things that I have to live through with. Well, that's pretty much rhetorical isn't it who would ever deny? There's always so much you can say, there's always so much that you can deliver, but what always matters is what lies beneath the tip of the iceberg. I love my family, I love mum I love dad I love the people that I love and I love the things that I love but here, what should it ever mean to me? Saving my family by having them miles away from me? That's what this is all about isn't it? You took them away from me but you tell me to protect them. As much as I do not want to sound completely pathetic over this matter, I really feel the need to say that being an optimist would need more than a miracle to happen. This **** hurts so bad I feel like there's nothing more that I should ever feel. I really want to be sorry for being a huge disappointment in the eyes of those who honestly think I can do more than what I give myself credit for but, if I were to go all apologetic about me being the way I am, you wouldn't here the end of it. Never.

We'll just see how this goes cause after all, this is just only the beginning.

"Have you ever sailed across an ocean, Donald? On a sail boat surrounded by sea with no land in sight. Without even the possibility of sighting land for days to come. To stand at the helm of your destiny. I want that, one more time. I want to be in the Piazza Del Campo in Sienna. To feel the surge as ten race horses go thundering by. I want another meal in Paris, at L'Ambroisie in the Place Des Vosges. I want another bottle of wine. And then another. I want the warmth of a women in the cool set of sheets. One more night of jazz at the Vanguard. I want to stand on summits and smoke cubans and feel the sun on my face for as long as I can. Walk on the wall again. Climb the tower. Ride the river. Stare at the frescoes. I want to sit in the garden and read one more good book. Most of all I want to sleep. I want to sleep like I slept when I was a boy. Give me that. Just one time. That's why I won't allow that punk out there to get the best of me, let alone the last of me."

I often find myself dealing with small things, it's gone down so deep in me that I see them as a whole form of priorities. Has it always been a mistake doing the things that I genuinely feel isn't a mistake? How do I be myself if I feel so, so wrong after every single time I decide on doing the things that I want to do? You know just sometimes, just sometimes it feels good being me. But half the time it just feels like, I'm being a **** towards myself. How do I feel right after doing something that I want to do? What are these things, seriously. There's just so much to juggle, too much to learn. I feel like there's just nothing more that I should ever speak of, there's just nothing more that I should ever feel, and there's just so many things that I can't touch. There's just no point being poetic over all of these petty matters because they will just eventually weigh down heavier and heavier every single time you try to interweave your thoughts with your emotions and craft them on a piece of paper, then using your pen to manipulate words that would just eventually drift you away from your driving point.

Just let me be. I don't wanna stop taking drags from my burning cigarette, it's the only way I get to feel that what's wanted and needed to be said is less important. I wanna let the huge dose of reality flow through my veins and feel like all I can ever remember saying was "it hurts". Point is to not remember what happened, but to just feel that it's done.