you left me with nothing
but a roll of undeveloped kodak film
your beautiful
acetate
face
gleaming in the sunlight
from your window on nelson
do you remember that day?

i cried about you
last night in bed
my lover understood
(or so he said)

The thing about love
Is that nobody even
Knows what it is

I thought I did
A few times

Once, when bangs
Were brushed out of my eyes
By soft hands

Another time
When I kissed the wrong person

Usually
I was all wrong

Now
You lay in my bed
My windowsill
Is a soft light-box
That flickers candle light
Onto your smooth skin
Your eyes are always smiling.

I don't know if this is love
Though I do love it.

That's all I need to know.

A real man
Remembers that stars are there
Even when blocked out
By city lights
He knows patience
Because more often
Than not
Waiting
Is
Worth it
He does not falter
With his love
He does not stutter
When he mutters
Three
Simple
Words

A real man
Need not be rich
Or giant
Or aggressive
But knows that family
Is prosperity
Love is vast
And
Compassion
Is more powerful
Than destruction

When he laughs
He is carrying me away
On plush clouds
Lightening my day
Reminding me, not to feel so heavy
You feel his heart
Beating at once
With yours
Even from far away

When he smiles
It is not forced
It is peaceful
It is effortless
You see the world in his
Gleaming
Brown
Eyes

When he cries
(Yes, a real man cries)
He is shedding away his pain
Collecting tears
To make a river
So that he can swim
He never
Allows himself to sink

When he loves
It is almost indescribable
He takes care
He is devoted
He is reliable
Understanding
Of the universe’s trials

The sad truth is
So many good men
Go unnoticed
In this world
So many are
Taken
For granted

When a girl
Realizes
She has a real man
She must decide to
Step up
And become
A real woman
Strong
Loyal
Nurturing
Loving
Honest
She gives him her heart
And never thinks twice
And if she’s lucky enough
To be given his
She treats it
Like a precious stone
And never lets it
Out of sight.

Beware love
There is paradox in paradise
And my weary limbs
May weaken overtime
But I will stay true.
My foolish ways were washed away
The day you rinsed me clean
As if you were some god
I bowed down to
Once in a dream
These hands have known other skin
But never such a masterpiece
Let’s stay here forever
In this love-soaked bed
Let me trace hieroglyphs along your spine
So that when they find us
They will know
You were mine.

Woman
I touched your skin long ago
In a small home
you made for yourself
somewhere between
brick and gates
and a
lost
key
I felt the curve of your hips
A tight grip
A wet kiss

You were shy
Your big brown eyes gleaming
In a faint light
That peeked through your
bedroom window

This
twisted lust
it sneaks in
It dizzies the mind
unravels desire
entangles mystery
lady
my heart has never met my spine.

You are tangled in your own way now
Sedulous
Passed from sight
You met a good man
At least I've heard
And I still think of you
From time to time

I should probably accept
That some things will change
And some never will
Your heart is always heavy
With a darkness
So glum
We're like lozenges
And bubble gum
Let me have my fun

It's been a while
Since I've spent so much time with the night
It's dark arms
Wrapped around me
It's awful jaws
Whispering the past

So many burdens
I've been
To so many people
I used to feel sad
I miss it
Now I only feel guilt

They want me to feel numb
Shove divalproec down my throat and
Wash it down with cipralex
They're calling it a disease
But I feel like I already am one

Do you even have emotions?
Do your blue eyes
Point nowhere but to a Dead Sea
Is your white chest
Empty
Do you even think about me?

This is not love
Not even lust
But do you feel a thing?

Love is not a soothing thing
It is more a ruling thing
Taking over me
But this is not love

I don't know it well enough to be.

This is infatuation.

This is every
brittle bone
in my body
trying to push you away
and my heart singing
hallelujah
when I don't even believe
in a God

Your names sounds
Holy
Your fingertips
Know me
I'm breaking
Slowly

I wonder if you know
That i am picking apart
Every sentence that rolls off of your tongue.
Dividing the words,
Into mere syllables.
And multiplying them,
By the look
On your face.

my body is my temple
treated it like a cave
and my heart is a rock
but it weighs heavy in me
my eyes are glass windows
and my hips hold keys
but I know where I wanna be
I’ll get there with my feet

I'm sorry
                (i guess)
the words roll out of my mouth and swirl into the air
like the smoke from too many cigarettes
last night
we curl and tumble
drunk and dazed
and
swallowed in temptation
in a quiet living room

hesitant grasps
of my hips
we curl and tumble.
wet kiss on my mouth
tastes of molson
and bittersweet longing

you say you have to leave
she's waiting for you at home
we say we'll see each other in hell,
at least.
timid laughter.
i close the door.
i drift off and see you in my sleep
i'm not sorry.

I gave my life away
And then I put it in a poem
All to write
About ripped couches and
Fears I create myself
And
Then
Your soft
Warm lips.

i was stripped
of the heart
that i used to write with

the wine
still fuels me
but i come up empty

how
can you lose
something that made you?

You wrote poems
Of lovers
Tracing maps on your skin
Highways
To a new high
Secrets kisses lined
Rivers of ecstasy
Newly discovered
An illusion:
Colonial,
Therefore dry and heartless
Your skin screamed
And sometime after
Even with rivers and roads
Traced by
Unfamiliar hands
Your heart lay still
Even Silent

You felt it again
Palpitations
Twisted
Enormous
Passion

New love
Was only recycled emotion
So you recycled your body
To be used by many
Boring
Heartless
Colonial Men
Then set off to find new places
A new surface
To hide beneath

You said it was only
Your love of exploration
Of the new
That drove you to commit
These mindless acts
As you secretly
Tried to forget
The places you’d been

And you thought maybe
If you
Filled the map enough
You’d cover up your past
Maybe if you
Gave your soul away
In tiny pieces
Distributed evenly
One day
There would be
Nothing left
No countries
No surrenders
No divisions of land
Just still
Water


Still
The scars of endless maps
Are deep
On your skin


2011

You told me my skin was like lavender
And I wanted to say
Baby im no flower
But then I drifted away
And you were talking about mechanical teeth and
I wasn’t sure what to say
So I laid down in my mind for a while and thought

I like it this way

might be
manic
in
a panic
racing
mind

scattered
songs
inside my
soul are
shrill
unkind

i could sleep
or i could drink
tomorrow will be achy just the same

my body is heavy
as my heart now
i am balanced
in a way

my blood, warm
and my glass half empty
im sorry
for seeing it that way

you always wish
i saw things different
i just wish
you would see me

So out of touch with reality
I think about it a lot
In the beginning
I did this
To dive right in
Take apart
The fibers of the fabrics
That make up the reality of dreams
In a night sky
Dance along the milky way of the word why
So that the answers
Would trickle down
There were no answers
In the beginning
I did this
To be free
But I forgot
How out of touch
Free
Means

I'm finding myself
stretching and pulling
I love you's
from between my lips
The words fall flat like old textbook pages
Out of date
Outrageous

Your arms wrap around me in the night like prison cages.

I feel like you've stolen me
I feel like
I want no part in this
but baby we're broke
and quite frankly
don't have much of anywhere to go.

i lost 'me'
somewhere along
rusty tracks
i'd found myself one day
nine years old
counting chirps birds made
suspended in the air
swinging
                           up
and
  
  down

now i'm down again
now i'm not sure what age means
the word "nineteen"
tossed out and
looked down upon
always too young
too naive

now i'm smoothing out edges
with the rough skunky smoke
i'd learned to let go
and a
calloused heart

one ex lover
silent
in our room
while i sit here on the couch
alone
******
hungover

another man
down the street
with my heart
and his lover's head on his chest
if i'm the mistress
i guess that makes him
the cheating *******
but i can't help
but sympathize

at least i've got a full pack of smokes
and my cat
to keep me company

All is one
Physical pain
And mental pain
Feel no different
It is beautiful
I think to myself
As my head pounds
I close my eyes and all I see is blue
The same colour
I woke up this morning
The same colour
Of eyes I have
Dear blue,
I’m stuck with you.
I’ve never liked your colour.

I’ve got a thirst for a life that I can’t live
And i’m stuck in my head again
I guess it’ll all have only ever been daydreams
And when they find my body
They’ll say reality tore her apart at the seams
Her hands were too small
To catch all the rain that fell
So she drowned in a river
Of empty pain
I didn’t know it was possible
To feel empty
And to hurt
At once
My limbs sting
With everything
I never was
With never having been enough
And you’ll say
Baby (maybe)
How could you do this?
And I’ll whisper
From my ***** grave
I loved you just the same
I love you just the same
Sometimes
Life
Is just too much
Were getting overpopulated you know
Too many of us here
It’s a big planet you know
Give it a hundred years maybe
And we’ll all be gone
You can forget about great-grandchildren
I’m doing us a favor you know
One less person on the planet
I don’t want to live insignificantly
I had big things planned
I was going to do everything
And more
I don’t know how I ever believed this when I have trouble walking out the door
Or taking a crowded bus
Or looking someone in the eye
I’m doing us a favor you know
I only ever caused you pain
And dismay
And you only ever pushed me away.

My lines haven’t been so strong lately
They wobble and my hands shake
And I’m a billion feet off the ground
Walking on a tight rope
Risking it all
Writers torture themselves you know
Everybody knows it
I think I went too far
The doctor gave me some pills
To heal the monsters in my mind
Thousands of them running around
Cowardly little bipolar army

Balance is key
I keep saying
Especially on tightropes

But you can only walk in the sky
For so long

I know I shouldn’t be
Digging up graves
Unlocking tombs
So I can listen to
Your breath

I know I shouldn’t be
Picturing you
That way that I did
Moonlight pouring through windows
Onto perfect dark skin
One of many reunions
And so many unions between
Timid lips
Our alliance was strong
But never quite steady

Two years later I’ve got that steady
Got that “hey honey you’re home and dinner’s ready”
Two years later I’m a liar
lying in bed
My ****** fan is loud
He is breathing
sleeping
but all I hear are raindrops
from summer afternoons where we collided again
The shhh
Your lips made
Trying to keep quiet in that closet at your dads place
I can’t decide if it’s my youth
Or you that I miss
If it’s
Your smile
When your kid sister beat me at video games
Or the perfect simplicity
Of living like kids

Your staircase kisses
Changed me
and I felt
real again

I love the way you speak
The way I can't hear my own thoughts
I'm lost
in the flow of consonants
constant
fluttering of
my heart
when you're around

Slow paced
race we're in
isn't it
I don't even know
if I'm winning
or if I want to

Soft lips
Linger
in a drunken state
I wait
for this to
unravel

Drunk and sore
I think I broke my toe
Wondering
How I will wake up
For work
Without an alarm clock
I'm running out of smokes
I saw you today
I hadn't realized
You had such nice eyes
Rules and doubt
Held me back
from pouncing on you
and tearing your clothes off.
Sorry if
My timidness
Had you thinking
I wasn't interested.
I tend to be
an introvert
when it comes to dangerous
emotions.
I bundle it up
and spew it into **** poetry
and wind up sounding
a little crazy.
Good thing
You'll never read this.

Four in the morning
On a friday night
It appears I've fallen again
into
a deep
trap of promiscuity
I used to run from myself
and cling to a stranger's skin
like velcro
I used to sleep with the lights on
If I didn't have
A body to hold

I haven't hit the ground
This is a pretty long fall






November 2012

Funny how
I dreamt of you
Once
What your skin
might feel like
under my palms
Forbidden

Funny how
I grew out of it
Funny how
I told you
I wasn't interested
That I was
a loyal woman

Weeks later
we drink with friends
the soft trickle
of *** as it
cleanses my lips
and runs down my throat
the soft trickle
of inebriation
starts to roll in
joyful laughter
in a scummy bar
i spoke of him
quite a bit
you smile
agree
and i say
"you're a good friend"

funny how
friendliness is misinterpreted
even through
declaration of devotion
to my lover
who awaits me at home
even through
the words "i trust you"
muttered
as you lift me off the ground
promising to get me somewhere warm
and safe
as i'm vomiting
shaking
in the cold
barely aware of where i am
or how many little glass cups
i've emptied
to empty myself
how many
tiny white straws
i've used up
how many pumps
my stomach
probably needs

Funny how
in what felt like a haze
an odd dream
I didn't scream "NO"
just
drunkenly
laid
there
naked
as you
enter me
let you
turn me over
and make me feel
small

Funny how
I "learned"
growing up
about consent
all the times
my mom told me
to stand my ground
and then
all the times
fear created silence
but "****"
was never perpetrated
so i stay
quiet
shamed
violated
I guess you could say it's complicated.

By the way, that's not what I meant by "I trust you."

I've been known to
write stories
Instead of moving
Like my bending wrist
Knows just what she's
doing
Reality is there
Smothered under a blanket
Of scribbles and drawings
Some hopeful dreams
I think I made this
More than it was
Meant to be

(Writing
about writing
is so cliche)

But I cling to my words
Like I'm dangling
High up off the ground
Holding tight to the edge of
Serif-fonted letters

I always thought you knew me better.

And I've always tried to see the light
but in doing so
I never saw the darkness
For what it was

i think that maybe
i’ve been meaning to write this
for a while

i haven’t written much
since your warm hands
wrapped around me in the night
and i pushed them off

i didn’t know
how to love myself
i didn’t know
how to hold your love
i didn’t know
what it was

i still don’t
but i still think of you
of the home we built
and tore apart

you were
the first
piece of my puzzle
the one i lost