carry me the comfort of tomorrow,

until you bring the dawn,

love me in my darkest hour,

unlike the love i've lost.

i'll be merry when you're merry,

then i'll miss you when it's gone,

i know nothing of forever,

but i know how much it cost.

O', if i could spare you the beak,

the constant calls, you to me,

a bird swallow, i shall be,

my soul furthest from free.

i'm afeared of a thing i can't see,

naught in this circus can be held;

dissolving in the dizziness of you,

whatever ache my brain abides,

the foolish heart has conquered life.

i'm on my own island,

swallowing saltwater for comfort,

but my happiness lies,

a few inches from shore.

where lies the promise of love,

where do i abide,

another part of it that held,

where can I become another,

lie, obliged to just another time,

in which I was another time.

hold close to those you love,

in stead of loss, remember it,

the things you'll do, the way you did,

be grateful to remember it.

a kin of mush before we met,

remain as much inside my head,

reborn in every word i ever said;

for where these things, they ever go,

i pray they find a quiet home.

to be loved is inevitable,

to stay sober is learned,

to hold both is a blessing,

but a lesson well earned.

tonight belongs to me,

a slow reminder just to breathe,

a giant step to feeling free.

i'll mourn the day your love will cease,

but soon i'll be a better me,

like green upon a growing tree,

i'll love the day our shoulders lean.

when life is on the great retreat,

it's you who stays and i that leaves.

when time is still, our eyes will meet,

so i can be a part of thee,

if love is lost, then sing to me.

the further that my body falls,

the less i have to hold,

reliving each season,

burning shameless in my soul.

your shining love it once contained,

such things my mind could not abide;

i loved to throw my youth to flame,

affixed to drain my broken mind,

a better soul for you was meant,

but when i toss this thing aside,

i'll be left with nothing but my life.

porcelain,

when its all that i'll see,

from hospital to sea,

whether im dying or withering.

porcelain,

could be then, could be now,

depending on my birthday crown;

it used to be cake,

but it's a cup of pills now.

i drink like a fish you can't catch,

while i try settling down,

covered in trees and out of town,

listening to seasons that aren't around.

i get sad at sea,

as long as its about me,

feeling nauseous and noisy,

I'm sure im just a mess to see,

i fall apart to pick me up,

i'll think of things i couldn't say,

i'll be my worst to feel enough.

you can't hold them,

even when they need it,

they don't all cry for help,

even when it's needed.

poked full of holes,

like a sun set in clouds,

sidewalk shop signs say:

Sobriety Not Allowed;

besides myself in a park bench,

i walk through a door,

then it looks like a train,

and it melts into rehab,

but i'm staring at a sink,

where i'm draining away,

loved ones calling names,

but i can't remember the day.

the more that i drink,

the closer you're here,

the better i feel,

if i could be there.

the more that i drink,

the less that is there,

the better i feel,

i don't want to hear.

the more that i drink,

the less they will know,

the better i'll feel,

the less i am here.

the more that i drink,

the less i could care,

the more that i bear,

the less you are here,

but i'll try to be here.

pulled close to uncomfortable,

but neglect the brain fanfare in quiet,

while i can't quite get over you;

survivor's guilt won't sell,

pretty apparitions keep you here,

until you see a white wall,

where a loved one was there.

seabound and sober,

stuck at the bottom,

through retching all the dizziness;

it was all to feel fine,

but i still wish i was fine.

when you Fall,

i'm the Jump,

hold on and let go,

you're better than none.

i don't mind that you left,

i don't mind where i am,

i just hate what i do,

to get over the end.

glorified and held high,

unachievable and cool,

quietly slipping corners,

chalkboard screech across screens,

I'm losing,

I'm alone,

helpless, healing on my own.

all i write is for you;

not for millions, but the few,

from safe shelter,

for your eyes,

sprinkled time while i grew.


all i needed was you,

nothing more, no one else,

once a lover, then a lout,

hugging corners of fire,

and calling it "hell".

we change for the people that we love,

even the unannounced, up above,

to carry spirits at heart,

in a burden weighed more than dirt.

to be loved after loss,

neither blessing nor curse,

only achieved through years of work.

i'm abandoned but competent,

uncontent in my trying,

and unfulfilled.

believe in my hands,

but never my ways,

carried on cardboard,

broken in concrete.

when you left,

you were:

the sock in my drawers,

the bed on my face,

the moon hung at night,

the end of my life.

the seconds and minutes and hours and days.
all the weeks and the months when the years felt like days.

and the nights all alone.

the substances used,

the cold life i accrued,

only time let me get over you.

every hill on my back,

but i won't forget who.

i am barren,

i am further from you,

i am unhappy,

i am.

the amount of times i cried,

and you could not hold me.

the amount of times i cried,

and could not hold myself.

the amount of times i cried,

and could not hold myself together.

the amount of times i cried,

and could not hold you.

seagreen in percussion,

ant hills in heels,

inhaling all thoughts.

my thumb extended to a goddless sky,

while i smile to let go,

of such things that aren't mine,

but that once made me my home.

my heart, as it's spent,

will remain in a jar,

to preserve what it was,

but it's distance was far.

a blue sky at it's end,

becomes beautiful within,

quietly calloused, cautiously kept,

raining only for friends.

without you for two days,

still, i tip my head without shame,

nightly, draining life from a drink,

the steaming distillery lies in bed.

my veins are on fire,

i want to disappear,

anything to keep you here,

that i'm here,

shoehorned into stars,

giving up on my arms,

selling sins to my heart.

im a myth to my friends,

living fiend in the end,

I'm a mess without them,

but i will stay.

promises to stick around,

i won't ask a single thing,

I'll be there in my guilt,

with the tears that I've built,

i won't bother you then.

i guess where you go,

is not where i'll be,

i'll collect the dead leaves,

where we once were,

so you'll be where i was.

what was I,

but a ditch in the ground,

wanting you to come around,

singing like a drunken clown.

what was I,

but a son that had drowned,

wishing you could keep me grounded.

what was I,

but the star in your eyes,

kept in dark,

while i stared,

as you passed me by.

wasted and welded,

to a well-lit screen,

sitting in a dim-lit room,

recreating my opinions of you.

half-way out an open door,

hanging on a half-lit moon,

hugging a mental fire,

shaking and withdrawn from life.

you appeared as a stranger,

you stayed as a mother,

you left as a stranger.

if i could walk backwards to you,

without falling apart.

if i could feel such a loss,

but remain at the start.

buried beneath a drunken pond,

a mountain full of things i lost,

holding fire for too long.

melatonin on my breath,

worming through weaknesses,

thinking, holding onto my knees.

turning thoughts into breathing;

alcohol on my breath,

shaking through shifts,

seamlessly drinking under stars.

glass bottles clip my top two teeth.

bright was your smile at midnight,

a U-shaped row of stars,

marring such a pretty waste of dark.

wouldn't know what to say,

or how to behave;

like a chicken with no head,

like a night without stars,

if i jumped like a dog,

would you tell me how far?

i'll be fine when it rains,

where im comfortably numb,

not believably drunk.

im without thrill in my stomach,

im not made of too much,

my twenties were rushed.

hurrying to the same horizon.

i paint these streets,

colorblind, bleeding red,

thoughts of drug dealers,

feeling alone.

i grip a white sun with orange hands,

further from you and who i am.

these words,

eternally far from heard,

relentless in the way they hurt,

the love i lost was unassured,

i dug myself into the earth.

if i held your heart,

i surely would not know,

too busy turning off faucets,

of the great unknown.

if i was the bird who sings,

like a fool next to your home,

i would surely fly south,

of your soul, i would not know.

lies divide the love from my life,

but i can't hide my mind anymore,

leaving tangled sheets behind a door,

but i can't adore what i have left.

without alcohol on my breath.

trauma unprocessed all my life,

undiscovered until twenty-nine,

writing strangers, they don't mind.

losing loved ones that aren't mine,

lying was my first mistake,

trying,

fail abysmally.

slip apart, the years will fall,

my mind then said,

there's happiness in alcohol.

color me in,

leave me there,

let my conscious bloom,

and when you're around,

i promise to smile at you.

im sorry you [    ],

if i could [   ], I would [    ].

i swear I'll [    ],

I won't [   ] anymore.

Just [   ],

if you're [   ],

go to [    ].

I'm sorry, i  [     ].

though you hate the date,

i repeat the way i was every day,

even if i haven't changed much,

i still remember the love,

no matter what you think it was.

i was, and am, lost,

trading time for its cost,

a constant replay, i should move on.