as I run my finger
down your
spine
its texture speaks to me
whispering
taking me by the ear
pulling me back
through time
nearly four years now
but, oh, how it seems
to have been so much
longer
so much has
taken root in
the spaces between
growing along with
the distance
but as you open up
I see the names of
all I once loved
and the stories
we shared
and I wonder
if it's ever
too late

a lit cigarette burns
balanced precariously on
the rim of a cup
ashes falling listlessly
into a tiny puddle
of long-cold coffee

a bottle, a tumbler
whiskey on the rocks
the back of my throat
burns
It's six A.M. and I've
finally numbed every last
square inch of my brain

the record has been skipping
for a few minutes, I think
but I'd rather listen to
that than hear the song end
so I wait for the needle to
wear its way through the vinyl

for years, you were my only
vice, the only thing I did
wrong
but now, I'm welcoming in these
demons, to let them **** me
before this lack of you does

Sometimes
I think I sense you
more than see you
My stomach clenches up
and I taste its acid
trying to escape up my
throat
And I know
I know you're there
watching me
for foreign reasons that
serve only to somehow
keep you in my life
just enough
to keep me from
forgetting you
and what you did
to scar me
this way
And though every fiber
of my being screams
to stare forward
to not give you the
satisfaction
I always end up frozen
eyes on you
as I turn into
a pillar of salt

the shadows of branches
sprawl across my
window
reminiscent of veins
and i wonder
if my heart
will continue to
beat
pump blood
to all parts of me
or if it
will give up
as i have
these many years
past

And suddenly, it is as if a light
is shone on me, illuminating all.

I reel, synapses firing much too
slowly. The world accelerates,

magnifies, and every detail is
significant. Each one of your

hairs shines, falling to rest as
a pool of molten gold on your shoulder.

Your lips part ever so slightly,
teeth playing coy, hiding behind

your translucent smile, and you
kiss me. I close my eyes and meet

you halfway. When we draw back,
the colours are once more muted,

and in your arms I weep.

there are times when it feels that depression thrusts itself upon me
forcing its way into my nose and mouth, down my throat
seeping into every pore of my skin and filling me
more completely than anything else could
until i fear i am more of it
than i am of me

my words stumble out of my mouth
like a drunk from a bar
without direction and ugly as sin
banging uncerimoniously against
my teeth on their way out
as if they had some hidden
sober thought begging
for me to stop them
because they can't stop
themselves
my skin feels like saran-wrap
stretched over the bony remains
of something forgotten
left to rot within
protective plastic
my heart is alone
it locked itself in a safe
so it could pretend
it was worth something
but even if the key
was not inside with it
nobody's looking
anyway

Silence claws at my mouth, ragged nails leaving ugly gashes, red
draining from my lips and dripping down my chin. It
crawls down my throat, gnawing at my vocal cords
with teeth sharpened over the course of years,
ground to wicked points that leave nothing
intact. Its job done, the demon
settles in my lungs, suffocating
me while I fail
to manage any
sound at
all.

It is the silence in the darkness
of midnight that haunts me most.
Not the muffled sound of the TV
a room over, being watched by
someone whose life I shall never
know. Not the birdsong outside of
my window at dawn, mourning the
end of another night. But the
silence of midnight, when I am
left with no company but the
tortuous howling of my own mind.

We are connected, you and I, by
a thread, thin and winding through
the paths our respective lives have
taken. The ends stretch apart, only
to come weave themselves back together
into knots that sit in the bottom
of my stomach like a poison, rotting
me from the inside out. I’d say “at
least I tried,” but I don’t think
I ever did. I only tangled myself into
your life, and you were always too
kind to take scissors to the mess,
though now I wish you had. Because
this rope I have woven from the
strings of my past now sits in a
noose around my neck.

I’ve always said
words are all
I have
My only talent,
my ability to
bend
them, crafting
something to
show the
parts of my
soul
that would see
no light
otherwise

The words
flow
through my veins,
drumming in my
ears and nearly
driving me
mad
building up
and washing
over me like a tidal wave

And the only
way I
know
to keep from
drowning
is to open
a vein and
bleed
onto the
page

The old gods watch in muted
fury, their statues abandoned

to live on shelves instead of
temples, seen as reminders

of a more ignorant time, when
men needed guidance more

than truth. Men now believe that they
know better — their god of science has

replaced his forerunners: those who
guided Man in his early days.

Those who weep in anguish, but,
forgotten, can no longer even

speak.

And he checks an empty phone
alone in the dark
He’s learning that his wrists bleed the night
Sometimes it’s more than he can take
Sometimes she texts back

My gift of
writing
has become
a candle
once brilliant
illuminating thoughts
that would
otherwise remain
in the dark

But now,
the flame is
gone
and I am left
to try to
find words
in the smoke

I
sit by
myself
in an empty room
I
swear
I
love you, but
sometimes it is
such a burden
to have to
speak to another
to feel their
touch on
my
skin, to
have to give
any of
myself
to another when
I
am rarely enough
even for
me

I reach… and though my arms (far
too weak) are long, my hands cannot
quite grasp what I need (to love you).

This distance is a poison in (my heart)
the deepest parts of me. I wish you were
here, because this love (is too frail) needs it.

I’m afraid (for us) that the miles between
are far more than numbers on a map, and that
we were doomed the first (to last) time we

touched.

down, down
and further under
the crashing waves
my love for you
disappears into the sea
of my apathy
an atlantis
never to be
rediscovered

I dissect people
not with a knife
but
with my eyes
with my ears
with the words that spill
from my tongue, probing
without trying,
judging responses

poking around their
insides, noting
this thought goes
here
and this
is connected to
that
ad nauseum
until I have memorized
every nook and
cranny

I learn people
much better than
they realize
I mostly
keep it to
myself,
afraid to
nick an artery
while I'm examining
and cause our friendship to
bleed out
from wounds
inflicted
by pointed-out flaws
and questions best
left
unanswered

As the light fades from
my eyes, I think
back,
think back to
years past.

There are times
when I felt
that it was
all
worth it -
justified
in my means
to my ends.

But in the end,
what is
truly the end,
I am bereft
of hope,
left empty
in the wake
of all
I have
done
in this
cursed life.

I have known joy
unparalleled
and felt
the stirrings
of my soul
as I
touched
your flesh.

But you are gone,
never again
to arch your
back as my
fingers
run
down
your spine,

And now, I must answer
for all that I have
done

It no longer hurts to think
about you - about our lives
becoming disentangled

I used to think you were
"The One," with whom I would
grow old, start a family

I didn't know myself, then -
didn't know how I react
to pain, to hardship

I had suffered before, more
than some see in their whole
lives, and yet

less than others see in a
minute of tear-stricken grief
or in their last moments

I had suffered before, yes
but I never knew how I
handled it, never saw

how I pushed people away,
insisting it was this or
that, but never me

Now I see myself, not perfectly
but well enough to know
why we ended that way

It no longer hurts to think
about you, but sometimes I
wonder what you're doing

And all the letters I
would write you
fall
into the cracks of
my mind,
disappearing at
the first word.

What would I say? I am a
fragile, fearful thing.
And you are
not
who I thought.

I believe it's better
this way,
but
still,
I find myself
penning, over and
over, one word
before the
pages slip away.
One word:
"Why?"

I swear I meant all the words
that I said when we were lying
in bed together that night

and in the car every time
I drove you home, way too late
because neither of us wanted to part

Sometimes I catch myself
laughing at some inside joke
of which I am now outside,

turning to find you
gone, only air in your place
because none could ever take it

I held onto hope for the
longest time, thinking you
would get tired of the city life,

run back to my arms
I never knew when you might
come, so I kept them open

But this morning, I went
out to my mailbox to find
in it twelve letters

from me to you,
resealed,
"R.T.S." written on each.

a deep-seated ache
permeates my bones
seeping into the
marrow
into the innermost
parts of me
i breathe it in
and breathe out hope
watching it cloud and then
disappear
i have to
get this out of me
get it
out

and now
with my blood
pooling
on the floor
my insides
stuffed with straw
i smile

a scarecrow man
pretending to feel

you kiss him and i wonder
how you see me
now
years after the fact
after the last time
my lips met yours
and though
they no longer strive
wanting to return to
that sacred place
i still wonder
from time to time
how things might be
different

the halo of your hair
and the smile that’s never there
tell me
that it’s a fine time to find
something better
better than nights spent
restless in a bed with a body
that lends heat but no warmth
waking and wanting to touch but
no, that wouldn’t do at all
so many conversations
and arguments
and agree to disagree
over where we should be
years from now
or even days
hours from now
i wonder if i
will be with you still

Melancholia
with a nostalgic scent
The clock ticks idly by
as I stare into
the recesses of my
soul
Asking more of myself
than I could
ever
give
I build a prison around myself
My thoughts, iron bars
I long to dive into sublime
unfeeling
Let my mind be still
Come break me free

I long for a loss of breath
A certain savory salve to slip from my veins
Falling on the floor in waterfalls
A torrential tribute to unmerciful gods
Flesh forsaken as the blade bears down
Pardon my sins and bring me in
To bask in this eternal lack of pain

I sink into the pools that are your eyes
They crash over my head and drag me down
I gasp, completely taken by surprise
You fill my lungs and I begin to drown
Returning to the sea that sank me then
I found my ship was dashed upon the shore
A long time passed, so I thought I could swim
But now I see that I will sail no more
I taste you, smell you, feel you killing me
And now, my vision slowly fades to black
I always knew that this would come to be
I knew that I was never coming back
    I saw your storms, but still I left the bay
    Now, in your depths I will forever stay

Some nights
I
am just so
so so painfully
Aware
aware of the soft sounds
of snoring
the next room over
or
the pitter-
pitter-patter of
rain so sweet
on the roof
or
how painfully
empty
my bed is without
you here to
kiss me when I wake

Acid burns
Scar tissue in my throat
Blocks my air
I’m
Suffocating
Can’t breathe can’t
Can’t
Reflex kicks in and I gag
Walls press in
Everything fades gray
Everything fades away

satisfaction
slips away
between my fingers, it
I
watch it go
I reach out for you
but you’re
so
distance kills
too far to feel
too deep to heal
these wounds won’t
go away
left alone
wilting flowers in my
hands grasping
for when they first bloomed

Hollow thoughts rattle
around in my head
All the times
and all the people
and all
and all
and all of life as it was
and should be
and could?
But no
You are not who I thought
and love is not what you feel
when you hate yourself
but want another
When the world is quiet
save for the rattling
that never goes away

The sun casts its pallid light in the dew-damp air
Bringing no warmth to the buds that bend,
sagging under the weight
of too much oppressive moisture
Their skin glistens,
shining with the light of that
which chills them
No warmth in the dim light of dawn
Too early still to feel the heat of noon
The rosebud blooms as the bushes drown

“Of course, I slew the dragon great
     But first, ran him ‘round his cave”
     And so I say, expression grave
My audience rapt, the hour late
“’Twas nothing done by hand of fate
     And nor did help I crave”

I take a moment to look around
     All the bright young faces
     Had, of doubt, no traces
I forge on, none make a sound
My little tale would soon astound
     And put them in their places!

“The dragon, you see, had been quite bad.
     He snuck cookies all the time
     On the furniture, he did climb
Oh, he did make his mother mad!
But when she went to dear old dad
     He said he didn’t mind.”

“She didn’t quite know what to do
     And so she came to me
     (I was a friend of the family)
And asked for help long overdue
(I owed her a favor or two)
     So I really couldn’t disagree”

I paused to think the next part up.
     “And so I came, with sword in hand,
     Though using it wasn’t really planned.
I yelled ‘Where is this little pup?
Here I’ve come to rough him up!’
     (His mum laughing so hard, she could hardly stand)”

“He stepped out, quite afraid
     Said, ‘Please! I’ll be good!
     I’ll do everything I should’
I glared and sheathed my mighty blade
And said if his mom was not obeyed
     That I would be back, you bet I would!”

I grinned and spread my arms out wide
     One child raised his hand
     And said, “Now, that was grand…
But that dragon never died
And I don’t think you even tried
     To rid the giant lizard from this land.”

I blinked, then let out a laugh
     And said, “You’ve got me there
     But to this, I swear:
If you’re bad, I’ll grab my sword and staff
Set you straight, on your mother’s behalf!”
     But I know, not one was scared

I’m falling down the rabbit hole again
Descending further into my own guilt
Gone through the looking-glass of fear and pain
Shame living in a house that I have built
I wander, lost, and find a Queen of Red
Hands beautiful and fragile took my own
Now bent as claws, she wants to have my head
While guilt and blame both chill me to the bone
When roses red with blood begin to bloom
And jokers fill the deck with hate and lies
With tension thick, so neither leaves the room
Why — then, the teardrops sparkle in her eyes
     A heart that’s broken in the dead of night
     My head, a gift, to try to set it right

An intruder on holy ground
Footprints defile
Leaving indents that fade with time
A redundant reminder of mortality
Watch as they gather
Why are you here?
You bear no resemblance to the dead
You don’t belong among the faithful
The ever-present
Those that see it every day
Forced to find pain in what they CAN’T see
Left without the sound of footsteps
While yours leave tracks
Defiling
Keep walking
Distance yourself from this
But know that you will be back
And one day, you will belong

Red, white, and blue
Patriotism - the colors of
blood, sweat, and muzzle flash
A flag waved over the “liberated,”
     the defeated,
          the deceased
Folded triumphantly,
     a triangle in a coffin,
          it rots
The truth lies forgotten
It looks up with dead eyes
and from empty sockets, weeps
     Heroism losing meaning

I’m left to wonder what your lips would do
If mine could meet them in their current frown
Like, would they speak my mind – say ‘I love you’?
And could I turn your dismal mood around?
I like to think that maybe it will come
And one day we will maybe get our chance
But ‘maybe’s turn to nothing, leave me dumb
And all that’s left, a saddened, hopeful glance
We mourn the loss that both of us will feel
The loss of that which never even was
And who were we to think that this was real?
We walk away without a second’s pause
        We never even get a chance to try
        And all the rest our lives go passing by

Reflection lost
A sense of falling
Wings spread, then cut away
By the wind rushing up to meet me
Sweet agony courses through my veins
Empowering
And yes, bitter, but…
Still oh so appealing
I smile as blood cakes my back
Relishing the smell
Wishing for the taste
To fill my mouth with iron -
So much better than the salty sting
Of regret
For how far I’m plummeting
I shiver - the ground shudders in turn
As I crash into and back through
It shatters into pieces
Impact takes its toll
My reflection on the floor
As blood slowly flows from my arms
Everything seems so…
*Sharp