I sleep
Waking
Climbing rocks
and mountains
Endlessly searching....
Watching the sun rise,
and set,
while I,
my heart,
remains stationary.
I am looking for you
In the Land of Nowhere
where the water
is so blue
the lavender so fragrant
I can almost remember happiness.
I taste it in my tears
see it in my past
but the days keep pulling me
forward
and my heart I can’t find.
Where are you?
but the wind just pushes the long grass
makes my knees cold
makes me listen for foreign whispers.
When I wake,
it is alone,
and my heart used to cry each time
but it is silent in my ears now
quiet, and
afraid of waking
the screaming child in the next room.|
To the Land of Nowhere,
I faithfully keep returning
but in my quest of failing to find you,
I will find beauty in the world again.

He killed me at once
then came back to finish me
as though I was whole

And you reached into me with your greedy hands,
so much so that I wasn't sure where your fingers ended and my skin began
So much so that I mistook your livid pulse for mine.

And I thought I was breathing in burning air,
and the world turned cold and you didn't care
And I saw hell in your eyes..
but you were dressed in God's robes...

I saw hell in your eyes..
but it was too late to let go.

You surprise me,
so softly,
you wish to see me.
Why?


I am but,
a bundled mess
of pessimism and nerves, and
Him.




Now I am not used to this,
this pushing away and you,
coming back,
asking, ‘when?’
and I,
in my paralysed uselessness say soon but avoid making a date,
but then,
I think of you
for hours
and hours
and hours.


I just wanted,
a ****,
to be honest.
But you won’t let me be that girl,
you make me
something more.
And it surprises me and warms me,
and makes me feel so valued
and that is why,
I’m going to say, 'Yes'.

Yes to that **** date you've been asking me on for a month now,
yes to french kissing, to holding hands, to awkward stares in between movie scenes.
Yes to searching for things to say, to getting to know one another’s ways,
now will you leave me alone?

I have some excuses that need making up.