Jehovah Jireh is more than just a name,
More than just a collection of letters,
More than a generous God who doles out gifts and things,
Jehovah Jireh is a place,
It is a place where we see emptiness,
But God sees opportunity
It is a place where God fills the gap in our lives.

God introduced himself to Abraham as Jehovah Jireh
As he was preparing to make the ultimate sacrifice - his son.
In the same way, God takes us to a place
Where we are willing to strip ourselves
of our most valued possession,
Then says,"Stop!
You don't have to do it, I just needed to know that you would. "

Then Jehovah Jireh provided a lamb
It wasn't just a lamb - something tangible
Something you hold, see, feel.
Jehovah Jireh provided a way
A way to get to closer
A way that was an acceptable sacrifice to reach the Almighty God.

Jehovah Jireh is a bridge,
The bridge to faith and trust
The bridge that takes us from the
place of
Uncertainty and doubt.

Jehovah Jireh
Our provider
Povides more than just things
He provides  a place
A lamb,
A bridge
A way,
A way out of our distress
A way out of our confusion,
A way to Him
A way to live.

Even in the cold, ice melts, in time
Making me question if time is the only thing
that melts the ice.
But at the same time, things need to change
For things to change. So
Maybe the changing factor isn't only time,
But the result of the changing times.
But... Did the time grow warmer ?
Or did it stay the same while other things changed,
Thus causing the change in times.
Did we really cause the change through our continuous constant
Or was it predestined, inevitable, bound to happen.
       - to deteriorate through time,
        is it just the time to melt?

I would never be in the crowd
that killed Him
Or am I just blinded by my own self -righteousness

But then ...
looking down I see the hammer in my hands
I nailed him there
I notice the spear that I cling to with a death - grip
I pierced His side,

I can't count how many times
I've stabbed Him in the back with my actions
Whipped Him with my lies
Chose petty pleasures over
Everlasting love

I sold the only thing that was worth anything
Just to be comforted by cold, unfeeling metal
30 pieces - just 30
When He is worth so much more

It's not about how worthy we are,
But rather how amazing He is
How forgiving He is

So now with opened eyes,
I see
That He has taken the weapons out of my hands
He embraces me with his love,
Saying that
"It's alright, you didn't know what you were doing
I forgive you, I love you
I knew the cost and I still chose you.
I'll always choose you."

The Century is dead
      Lifeless remains for all to see
Death is entombed in nature's head
      The howling air wails in it's flee
The lifeblood no longer flows
       It's primordial spring gushed with its essence
Now sapped, arid, bare, a barren hose
      We, now bodies, echo hope's absence.

It's hard to explain the surreal complexity
The majestic power that comes together through the form
Of five letters that create the identity of true love.

Even at this moment as I rattle my mind to try to express
This unfathomable, unfailing, all powerful, unending love...
I realize that my vocabulary is not vast enough -
But neither is the dictionary's -
Because mere words are not sufficient to explain the five letters that create love's anatomy.

J - Just as how staring at the sun leaves a lingering image, even the thought of this limitless mercy burns an imprint on the retinas of my soul.

E - Every part of my being trembles at how much He sacrificed for me to just be alive
And He still wants me,
Bare, unworthy, unsweetened, raw and not cut into the easy - to - swallow mold of this world that He knows is too small and too tight for me to fit in.

S - Still He gives me, who is just a spec that was chosen, permission to use His identity to solve the problems of my world, from seeking healing to finding my favourite pen.

U -Ultimately unlike anything my existence has experienced, He graces me with His presence and wants me to live in that coat of warmth.
To bask in the light of the son of man, the gift that sustains and saves us.

S -Strangely through Him I become worthy of even thinking of Him, of having a relationship with Him, of being in love with Him, because He is love.


Checking my mental dictionary again, I find that I already knew the answer to the question of what defines love.

And simply five letters appear ...
J - E - S - U -S. ❤️

One : night
Two : drinks
Three : words, I love you

One : morning after pill
Two : times no period
Three : words, not my child

They all say, just get it taken care of
And by get it taken care of
They don't mean to care for it,
But to get rid of it / her / him...
Me

Time ticks faster
The stares linger
Longer
Judging eyes gawk at one
But sees two
Wagging tongues race to spread
Their supposed never - ending knowledge of my story
Faster
Forcing me to embrace the shame
Like a coat to warm my growing belly
Growing
Growing life
Replacing life
Demanding my four-year-plan to master a disappearing act

Just like mother
Listening to lust-filled lies of love
Love that won't help me
Love that mocks me
Love that scorns the ground
that I trudge my heavy laden body of two
To The Women's Centre
Love that can't take me back to my high school
Love that won't pay for it's future/ her future/ his future
My future
Just like father
My coat of shame gets heavier on my stretched skin
Thick skin
Strong skin
Strong enough to balance the weight of their laughter
Their mocking
Their unsaid words
Her laughter
Her mocking
Her unsaid words
Her sharp curses
I can still hear mother's booming voice,
slashing my soul with her words,
"Yuh dutty *****, yuh !
Afta ah *** use ma good-up, good- up money
Send yuh ah school
Yuh ah waste yuh time wit maangy-foot bwoy.
If yuh cyan spread yuh legs like big, big 'ooman
Den yuh cyan live like one big 'ooman.
*** outta mi 'ouse !"

With no finances on my own
I crawl to a new home
To shelter my wary young bones
Begging for the warmth inside
My belly, my heart
Craving the warmth outside
On my skin - our skin.
Just a hug, a smile, an un-judging glance
But all I get is surrounding walls of young girls
Cemented with ridicule
Finding my brief safe haven in the depths of kind eyes
Sharing
Helping
Warning
They say you might get sick
They say you could die
They say I might get sick
They say I could die
They say the mortality rate is higher
Because the age is lower
Will we survive?
Survive the pain of growing
Survive the pain of coming outside our wombs
Survive the looks, the talk, the lack

One : cry
Two : undone hearts
Three : steps trudged forward

Five ...
My body instinctively moves
To the sway of the wind's rhythm
Swinging to the right, left, right...
Swaying, bending, flailing, falling
To the dance of death


Four...
Finally the sweet taste of freedom
Longingly lingers on the crevices of my mind
As I am dragged from the airy convulsion of my body
To slash the splashing surface of slurping waves
With my death partner -
Brother - tied by the neck -
Connected by the root
Staring unseeingly at at the rising sun of liberty
With the last image of *******
Still reflecting in his milky grey eyeballs,
No longer bursting with the dark essence of life

Three ...
The wind gently lowers me
To the soft edges of salvation
As my eyes are glued to the sun
As if to erase the haughty, mocking glare
Of the white devils
My bright screen of light
With the beautifully blinding colours of the sky
Whispering, "Africa"
And producing images of life
Of my family
Of my food
Of my home
Of my life,
Before...


Two ...
My body rushes to embrace
The heavy, yet comforting hug of my sunset
A smile, unused for months, etched deep into my face
As the waves of mermaids wetly kiss
The slashes, wounds and br- br-bruises
That decorate my body
No more
No more suffocating in seas of bodies
Packed into the boat of death
I will breathe
As water fills my body with the air of freedom.


One ...
More second, to...