James Fate

James Fate Oct 2013

Yellow ribbon
in her hair
how would I forget about you
reaching
keeping the strangeness quiet
holding together
sanity
you would do well to remember
her voice
the texture of the strands you hold
you cannot keep them
but you can remember
maybe that will be enough
Enough.
ENOUGH!

what a stupid looking word

Yellow ribbon
I remember a time
when you were green
before I pulled all the blue out
and put it into my pen
to scrawl her name on my insides
like a cast in white plaster
for all my broken parts
but they’re mended now
it’s time to peel it off
one strip
one letter
at a time
it’s time
for my insides to be soft again
I’m scared to death
that the pale
long hidden skin
and scars
will frighten off anyone
who might warm me again
my hands are only this cold
because I haven’t had anyone to hold
fending off frostbite
just my hands folded together
as in prayer
but without the hope of an answer
without yes
no
or maybe
life is just living
just
‘here I am
there you are
goodnight’
and I can’t help but miss her

so Yellow ribbon
when I grow my hair long
and become someone new
I will tie it back with you
try to remember who I was before
and maybe then be true

James Fate Oct 2013

Stragglers

all I wanted
was to cover
my stains
and now I’m painting my whole house
red
help me
my closest friends
are 200 miles away

I can’t write this poem right now
not like this

I am in the trees
they are still mostly green
but leaves fall when the wind blows
I am not getting colder
I just have a lot going on right now
and I’m trying to shed
some of this fall fabric
and let my forest floor
weave it into a carpet
but you can’t pull all the dead leaves off
it’s better to just let them drop

in the heart of winter
there will still be
stragglers
holding on through autumn winds
and January snows
to crumble in the spring
my lips touch the soft
clean soles of your feet
and my fears dissolve
like fog in the morning

I can’t write this poem right now
no
not like this

James Fate Oct 2013

Sunset

when I was younger
I got into staring contests
with the sunset
despite dire warnings
I challenged him

I thought I would live forever back then
or maybe I just wanted him
to blink
out
before I did

I fear death

I grew up a Christian
reading about Narnia
and there was one man
after escaping ten years of living
in a nightmare
as relief from his waking horror
he was given the gift of sleep
without dreams
forever
now
as well as then
I struggle to comprehend
how this was a reward

to fall asleep
and never dream
and never wake
this is death as far as we can tell

in my childhood
this was the only exposure I had
to the idea of VOID

and now it yawns wide open
at the feet of this newly formed atheist
and I am afraid

‘I never asked to be born in the first place’
-Last words of Adolf ******
(per Kilgore trout
(per Kurt Vonnegut Jr.))

the sunset is deep deep orange
and summer is fading
from green
to red and yellow
then to brown
then to white

I’m thinking of Christmas
watching a hawk fly
silhouetted against
the now hot pink clouds
to the sound of cicadas
and a whisper
of moist and cooling air

winter is hard to get through

then again
so is summer

the sky above me is the shade of lavender
I fell in love with
when I couldn’t find anyone
who loved me back

I was taking a bus trip from December
to late spring
everyone else was asleep
and I watched the sun rise
through palm trees and ferns

if the afterlife is composed
of floating through my time in this life
Tralfamadorian Heaven
I will be content

I am living now

This was written more as a way of working some thoughts out than as a poem. I like it though, so I'm putting it up here anyway. 'Tralfamadorian Heaven' is a reference to Slaughterhouse-Five, by the way. There's a fair amount of Vonnegut in this one. Hope you like it. :)

James Fate Oct 2013

Wind

the sun does not illuminate the wind
yet he warms her
the mountains fade from green
to blue
to purple
to sky
grey
my hand is reaching for the wind
I’ve stopped looking for things
to hold on to
I love the sound of strings
vibrating to the beat
of someone else’s heart
syncing up with mine
carry me on those wings
keep me in those feathers
I want to fly with you
your warmth is that of the sun
but you are not his
you hold me tightly in the clouds
but you are not mine
when you are gone
I miss you
but I promise you
I’m fine
I promise
I promise
the wind is growing colder
we all will die alone
soon

James Fate Oct 2013

Opportunity Cost

French girl
I never met you
how would I have met you?

James Fate Oct 2013

Fourteen

echoes in my mind
like aches
but merely echoes
I am getting better at being
alive
but that is only because
I am so full of dead things
to remind me of what I now
have the option
not to be
to be
is my decision
yes
I am locking it in
to be
that is my final answer
until my choice is taken from me

stardust is the basic component
of all the parts and pieces
I am so full
of dead things
I was born with fourteen ghosts
excluding the stars that we rise
from the ashes of
like phoenixes
excluding the animals
that gave rise to us
excluding names
and faces
and friendships
and homes

fourteen ghosts

and they say we are born innocent

James Fate Oct 2013

I miss you like that

a dead cat
on the dead end street
between where our homes used to be
when our homes were each other