I miss my mother
And the sadness in her heart
And the old Adirondack songs she used to sing off key
I never thought I would miss that
But I do now
So much later
And I miss my Aunt
Her full body laugh, her twinkle,
Her short stocky strength
And her compassion for me
Because
Really
No one else showed me that compassion
Not like she did
And how did they have that laugh
Born of a life so hard
How did it survive
And why wasn’t it passed down to us
It was like it was their possession
And we were not privy to it
I have my mother’s cat
He cries for food all the time
It seems
Crying for love
Wanting for sustenance
Just like her
I don’t treat him the way my mother did
She let him eat on the table with her
It was hard for him
No more stove access
No tables, countertops
No Colonel Sanders chicken skins
No shared turkey sandwich
He likes to lie on cold sheets
Or under them
He doesn’t like too much affection
Lest he scratch me
Just like her
He used to miss Her
But now I’m his one and only
And he is mine
Such as it might be
(As my mother would say)
Our horses were her friends
But we were not
Better said, the horses were her secret
And we were not
Her secret life
Was not ours to know
Only her facade of motherly love
Indeed, not selfless
Now I lay her down to rest
Except another layer
Keeps revealing itself to me
As I continue to reveal myself
To me
Someday I will be able to forgive her forever
Once and for all
And love all that she was
And all that she wasn’t
She was just a human being
Who happened to be my mother