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6.3k · Jun 2013
Strawberry Milkshake
AJ Jun 2013
When I was eight I got very sick.
I got to eat mac n cheese on the couch,
and drink chocolate chip milkshakes.
Today I felt sick.
So I made some mac n cheese,
and I sat down on the couch.
I wanted the milkshake.
I didn't have any chocolate chip ice cream,
So I made strawberry.
Then I sat at the counter and looked at my mess.
The milk was out,
The ice cream was uncovered and melting
The blender was on its side.
It looked very sad.
Like it was a Roman village I had just conquered.
I killed all the strawberry milkshake children.
They had such bright futures until they drowned
In a puddle of one percent milk.
I discovered I don't like strawberry milkshakes that much.
And now I have a mess in the kitchen,
My car needs gas,
And I smell like cigarettes and self deprivation.
And everything is easier when you're eight and your mother cooks you your special sick person dinner.
6.3k · Aug 2013
Reconciliation
AJ Aug 2013
Confession time,
Where's my priest?
When I was little I had it all planned out.
"In the name of the father and of the son and of the holy spirit, Amen.
It has been six months since my last confession and these are my sins."
I fought with my family.
I swore.
And I lied.
That is what I said for seven years.
I loved to throw a wrench in the machine.
When I was fourteen I added in a little tid bit to my routine.
"I am gay".
It was the longest pause I had ever heard.
And then it went completely ignored.
How rude of me to try and provoke you, father.
4.5k · Dec 2013
Fuck me.
AJ Dec 2013
Its 3am and I'd rather be somewhere else.
I  made a veggie burger.
And ate a jar of pickles.
And thought about crying,
But I didn't want to exert the energy.
4.2k · Jun 2013
German Spy
AJ Jun 2013
Sometimes I whisper my secrets to the ceiling.
Only when the lights are off,
And the fan is spinning.
The fan is very nosey.
I think he is a German spy.
Or maybe I'm the German spy,
And that's what my secrets are all about.
No one will ever know.
Except,
Of course,
For the ceiling.
3.8k · Jul 2013
Pick Me Up
AJ Jul 2013
I want to sleep.
I am very tired.
Things are blury.
I don't remember getting on the ground.
I can feel my heart beating loudly.
I blink for ten point five seconds at a time.
Where am I?
3.7k · Jul 2013
Holy Cow
AJ Jul 2013
I'm only interesting when my pain is fresh.
It has festered now,
And I just feel repetitive and bitter.
Like a green apple,
I hate green apples.
3.5k · Jun 2013
Plastic Anatomy
AJ Jun 2013
When I was younger I was very girly,
I wore dresses and leggings,
But never jeans.
I loved pink and purple,
And I loved sparkles and bows.
I was very girly,
But I hated dolls.
I drew on my sister's baby dolls with ballpoint pens,
Covering their foreheads with my cryptic squiggles.
I would strip my Polly Pockets,
And let them lay naked and ashamed on my bedroom floor.
I would take all the limbs off of my Barbies,
And rearrange them into disfigured beauty queens.
Fake people have always bothered me.
3.5k · Sep 2013
Pathetic
AJ Sep 2013
It's four o clock in the ******* morning,
And I'm making coffee,
And binge eating vegan chili from a can,
And charcoal-ing naked women,
And getting ******* emotional over Kardashian reruns.
How did this even become my life?
******* it.
I am so unsettled right now.
I miss my man.
3.0k · Jun 2013
Big Brother
AJ Jun 2013
There is a brown bin on my back porch.
It is filled with pool tarps and bad memories.
It is raining now
And the rain is pelting it,
And if the bin could feel pain,
I'm sure it would be screaming.
I am glad that I can count on the rain to fight my battles for me.
It is like my protective older brother,
Beating the **** out of desperate lovers and child abuse.
That brown bin that I cannot stand.
2.8k · Aug 2013
Orange
AJ Aug 2013
I was a twin,
Only my twin was a year and a half younger than me.
Her name was orange,
And she hated everyone.
She was also a cat,
But that is not important information.
I used to feed her yogurt.
And throw her down the slide with me.
We were real hood *******,
Manda and her kot.
We both had blue eyes, red hair, and devilish smiles.
We ruled the world from the top of the swing set,
But she froze to death in a snow storm when I was five.
Now I rule it by myself.
2.8k · Dec 2013
Feet Migraines
AJ Dec 2013
It feels like feet migraines.
That's what I called them
When I was little.
When you put your feet into the ocean
At 47 degrees.
And your feet ache from the cold.
But even when you run back,
Avoiding the waves,
It still hurts.
"It's like a headache, but in my feet."

That's how everything feels now.
Every day.
Even my heart,
And my dragon eyes,
And my loud tongue.
Migraines.
2.6k · Jan 2014
Lying Techniques
AJ Jan 2014
Get away from me,
My evil twin is just around the corner.
You see,
She's very protective.
You need to leave,
She is not going to be merciful.
You see,
She wasn't born this defective.
A boy she thought was man
Told her she had a pretty face,
And she lost her footing on this cliff,
Trying to kiss the space bellow his eye and above his cheek.
"Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save"
2.6k · Nov 2013
I'm Drowning
AJ Nov 2013
Everything is getting so bad.
I am getting so bad.
It really is and I really am.
I have no motovation.
I just can't do anything.
I binge and I purge.
I'm using a cold blade to make myself burn with scars.
Again.
There is no home for me.
I sleep all day.
I've missed a dangerous amount of classes.
I need a job.
I have yet to process
Major things that are happening.
**** has been continuously hitting the fan
For seven years and
I just can't make it stop
And I can't catch a breath,
And the flashbacks are awful.
I just wrecked my thighs.
I don't want to burden anybody.
I know all I do is complain.
But it is literally me screaming for help.
And no one is helping me.
I'm up to my neck in my own mental disorders.
I'm drowning.
I really ******* am.
I walk around late night hope I'll get killed,
I stare at 163 sleeping pills every night.
I'm all late night binging and purging.
This is the ******* life.
I carry a toothbrush in my purse
And tell people I'm just obsessed with my tooth health.
I smoke to hide the smell of *****.
I'm drowning.
I'm desperate.
I'm drowning.
Why are strangers offering more help
Than the people in real life that I'm begging.
I'm an adult now.
It's no longer the fault
Of the people who raised me.
I have waited for this day to come.
The day where all of the sudden
The blame shifts to you.
I'm still drowning.
I'm dying.
I'm drowning.
I know I should stop cryjng for help
And just get it myself.
But I used up all my strength
I really did.
And I will be perfectly fine
With just dying.
I really would be.
I'm drowning anyway.
Might as well make it literal.
AJ Aug 2015
A- She is just like me. A leader. A strong, independent, bisexual woman, she controls the alphabet from this end, and everyone respects her.

B-He's a nice guy, a bit pretentious, but nothing too special. The first time I saw Friends, I new that Ross was literally the letter B incarnated.

C- B's best friend, goes by male pronouns, but is gender fluid sometimes. He is much more genuine than B.

D- One of A's closest friend. She is cool, and kind of like a bad *** English teacher.

E- A ****. Your typical school bully. He's dating D.

F- E's wing-man, but like the stereotypical wing-man, he is kind hearted, but too much of a shy follower. And he likes D.

G- H's brother. Good student, slightly over weight, and just as homosexual as his sister.

H- The "mom" of the friend group. She is smart and supportive. My favorite lesbian of the alphabet.

I- A real cool dude. Spiky hair and sunglasses. He likes to lean against brick walls and just look cool. Very cool.

J- He is K's best friend.

K- She is J's best friend.

L- He hangs out with M, but not too much because he really isn't found of her littler sister N. He's too much of a wimp for my taste.

M- She is a really independent confident girl. She goes on double dates with O, P, and her sister N. She has a side thing going on with the letter A.

N- She lives in the shadow of her sister. She kind of reminds me of my own sister.

O- He is P's best friend, and always tells him what to do. He reminds me of E, but they've never met.

P- Let's O push him around. He hangs out with O, M, and N. But his true love is Q.

Q- She is quiet, but strong. She is madly in love with P. They sneak out together a lot. She has over protecting parents.

R- She is the leader of the Q-R-S friend group. A transgender and asexual bad ***. She supports Q and P, but not S and T

S- Tries to listen to her older friend R, but is just a good kid making bad decisions. She has a HUGE crush on both T and U.

T- Loves U. Strong male, plays football and works at a car wash.

U- She's a princess. Very quiet and polite. In a relationship with T, but I don't know her true intentions.

V- U's older sibling. A-gender and a CEO of some big business.

W- Same personality as H, but not as motherly, and bisexual.

X- The third wheel to the X-Y-Z clan. Also agender, and really just a fly on the wall. They sees a lot, but really don't like to socialize. But they really like going to the zoo.

Y-  Z's beta. Her best friend, and wife. They are ride and die ******* for life.

Z- Just like A. Exactly like A. Only she is in a committed relationship with Y. She controls the alphabet from this end, and everyone respects her.
2.3k · Jul 2013
Most Likely Coffee
AJ Jul 2013
"There's nothing you can do that I haven't already done to myself."
I can dance naked to MSI if I really want to.
I really do want to.
That song awakens my inner stripper.
I'm making a tattoo appointment for this week.
Going to get a semicolon on my suicide scar so I never forget,
That I was once a dumb teenager
Who had more courage than I do right this second.
It makes me panic to think that they don't call english muffins
English muffins in England.
Two types of muffins?
Who would've thought?
It gives me anxiety.
My computer keeps translating all my pages into Polish.
Nie wiem nic.
Strange thing, but I don't mind.
I need more coffee,
Possibly *****,
But most likely coffee.
Jacob is going through a new phase,
And I will wonder if it'll last a few more months,
Till he turns four.
"You can't do that"
"Aaaaactually..... I can."
Aaaaaactually you can't munchkin.
But you keep reminding me you're not a munchkin,
You're a boy.
Silly boy.
Silly me.
2.3k · Aug 2014
The Old Gospel Choir
AJ Aug 2014
I bet your mom used to brag about you
Being a good sleeper,
When you were two months old.

You never sleep anymore.
You just play video games,
Wander the streets at midnight,
And have mindless meaningless ***.

All of that would be fine,
If your life wasn't as meaningless as the ***.
"Sharp as a tack, but in the sense that you're not smart, just a *****"
2.3k · Nov 2013
The Superman Theory
AJ Nov 2013
Up to a point
We spend our whole lives searching for superman.
He's hard to find,
But his cape isn't completely invisible.
You can see a tiny bit peeking out from his collar.
He's already been about a kajillion people.
A mom who made you
Macaroni and cheese when you're sick.
A teacher who yelled at the other kids
When they said your glasses were stupid.
The little boy who sat with you at lunch
On your first day at that new school.
The big brother who threatened to beat up
The creepy boy who gave you your first kiss.
That first boyfriend who was there
When your cat died sophomore year.
Superman is almost impossible to find.

But then you hit that point.
Remember when I said
"Up to a point"
Well this is the horrible part.
I mean, it's god awful.
Superman gets really annoying at this part.
It's going to make you want to scream.
Just bare with me on this one.

He puts the cape
On you.
Oh yes.
Now you're superman.
Could anything be worse?
Now there is no one to save the day.
Now you must make your own macaroni and cheese,
Stand up for yourself,
Make your own friends,
Deal with your own relationships,
And handle your own emotions.

I bet your mind is churning now.
You see what I mean.
You've probably hit this point.
Now by this point,
I was furious.
I bet you are too.
You see,
You don't want to be superman.
So this is what you do.
You reject the cape.
But unfortunately for you,
Superman used some super glue.
This is permanent.

Ugh, right?
And now you're going to put all of your time
And all of your energy.
Angrily trying to figure out
Who put this cape on your back.
But you don't really want to know who.
What fun would that be
Just to scream it out
And still be left with the responsibility?
It's good to have a faceless name.
What you really want is to be mad.
I know that my favorite game
Is the blame game.
And I'm willing to bet yours is too.

What we really need to do
Are you ready for the plot twist?
Is realize that we were already Superman!
Remember the time
You did your little sister's make up for her first dance,
Or when you stayed up all night on the phone
Listening to your friend vent about her stress,
Or when you picked up the flyers
That the lady at the restaurant dropped in the street,
Or when you lent that kid two dollars
So that he could buy lunch.
Or when you went home for a visit
Just because your mother missed you.

It's been us all along.
Did you see that coming?
I sure didn't.
2.2k · Jun 2013
Nie Dziękuję
AJ Jun 2013
The coffee maker is broken.
Cigarettes are over eight dollars a pack.
My cat is being moody.
I am out of avocados.
My glasses are cracked.
I cannot find any tape.
Nothing is wrong.
I am wrong.
I am tired.
My car is out of gas.
2.2k · Jan 2014
You're My River
AJ Jan 2014
You were laying in the backyard on your lawn,
And you said we had done too much MDMA so
We might as well make it a cocktail and do some K.
And as we did it off the log pile under the tree
Your nose started to bleed,
Because earlier we had done coke.
We were such dumb kids,
It is even amazing that we were still alive.
And as we ran inside to make ice cream sundaes
I tripped over my own feet,
And then decided to make out with grass,
Because I fell in love with nature.
And we found a tarp,
And some silver and purple and black and yellow paint.
And we decided to get naked and become human paintings.
And it didn't matter that I was engaged because you are gayer than Tim Gun.
And I made a pond on your back,
With fish swimming up the river of your legs.
And we took pictures
And cried because we were the most beautiful models.
You decided you were superman and tried to climb the wood pile.
You fell so gracefully,
It was like you were a moving piece of art.
I gave you stitches and accidentally sewed a heart into your leg,
You did not mind.
You told me it was the only heart you had right now.
So I told you that scared me,
That it made me want to die
And I took the scissors and cut my leg.
But you took it away
And I made out with the grass again.

Simple is as simple does,
I am here now because because.
2.1k · Aug 2013
As of August
AJ Aug 2013
We're all walking cliche's,
So what's the big deal?
I can  wear a beanie and a gay pride tee shirt and moccasins,
And listen to Neutral Milk Hotel,
And talk about feminism and politics.
Do not kiss me with your mustang convertible and your ****** piercings.
I am a taken woman.
But I will take your free drugs.
Thank you very much.
Stop mourning me,
My arrogance should never have been a turn on.
Pretzel crisps, tattoos, and student loans.
It's hard walking down the boulevard of broken dreams,
And bumping into all the other lonely souls.
2.1k · Jun 2013
A Diamond In the Rough
AJ Jun 2013
You were cruel.
Your hands were cold,
Tearing open my legs.
You liked it when I screamed.
You liked it when  I cried.
Your laughter cut like diamonds.
You made me feel like trash.
You cancelled all my doubts,
With even worse doubts,
With nightmares come true.
You broke me.
You cut me.
You scarred me.
You scared me.
You ruined me.
You liked it when I plead.
You liked it when I begged.
Your laughter cut like diamonds.
A diamond in the rough way you treated me.
You broke me.
You smashed me.
You liked it when you destroyed me.
2.1k · Jan 2014
I found your facebook
AJ Jan 2014
I found your facebook,
And your ugly.
I feel betrayed
By the power of the selfie.
Everything is a lie.
Good bye.
2.0k · Aug 2014
Daisies
AJ Aug 2014
I guess it's hard to pity
Some drunk girl whose not very pretty.
2.0k · Feb 2014
Son XIX
AJ Feb 2014
Collin has got me going crazy.
Who knew little ghost boys could be so difficult?
He wants pizza all the time.
He never wants to go to bed.
He never wants to leave my side.
If it weren't for that cute little ghost smile of his
I would be a complete and total wreck.
I'd be more firm,
But I'm a bit melted.
His cuteness melts my heart.
Oh baby boy.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below
2.0k · Dec 2014
Handcuffs
AJ Dec 2014
I don't know
My stomach is in knots tonight
And I need someone to help untie them.
And kiss my forehead
Or something.
Please love me.
I'm not desperate, I'm drunk.
I'm shivvering and very upset and very cute.
Love me.
1.9k · Jun 2013
Not Enough Effort
AJ Jun 2013
Today I bought some cheap press powder
That makes my face smell like cinnamon and old people.
It was fifty percent off and I could not hold myself back.
I cashed another pay check today,
Money money money money.
Everyone is really annoying.
I liked it better when my worlds were separate.
They have all collided as of right now.
I just want everyone to unacquaint themselves,
And/or go **** themselves.
Because I cannot spare my feelings,
As well as all of yours
At the same time.
Tonight I went to Olive Garden,
I did not finish my mushroom ravioli.
Oh well.
Just another day in the life of a non-super hero.
1.9k · Jun 2013
Fairytales
AJ Jun 2013
Once upon a time there was a girl.
In the summer she'd hold her breath underwater in the three foot pool. 47 seconds.
In the fall she'd look at the trees from the car window and wonder why she didn't change color with them.
In the winter her boots would get stuck in the snow just like the cat and she'd laugh.
In the spring she'd make potions with leaves, seeds, and sandbox rain water.

Once upon a time the girl was a little bit older.
In the summer the pool would be too small, she'd be too tall.
In the fall she'd become enthralled with girls and wouldn't think of the leaves again.
In the winter she'd realize not all children were hit and hated at home.
In the spring she'd fill herself with alcoholic potions the leaves and rain water couldn't touch.

Once upon a time the girl aged even more.
In the summer she'd throw her last scrap of childhood to the big bad wolf. He gave her a token.
In the fall she'd change like the leaves, but then the magic would leave. She'd lose the token.
In the winter she'd fall in the gravel infested snow. She wouldn't laugh.
In the spring she'd try to end it all with a potion of sleep and cool metal. It wouldn't work.

Once upon a time it was right about now.
I'm changing like the leaves, stuck in the snow, taking too many "potions". The whole time I've been holding my breath. 571,501,629 seconds.
AJ Aug 2013
I never saw the shadow of a tree,
And thought it was a person.
This is quite a letdown to me.
The closest I got was thinking
That my boot was actually my cat.
I wish I could find away to tell myself I'm beautiful.
I didn't know it then,
But I did self harming before I knew what it was.
Back when I was six or seven.
I started bruising myself when my house got loud
With swearing and yelling and
The occasional smack across the face,
And the loud drunken verbal lashings.
I'd sit behind my door,
And hold myself really tight
And pinch my rib cage all over.
Till I couldn't stand it.
It was a nice distraction.
1.8k · Jul 2013
Peachy Keen
AJ Jul 2013
Cheesy eighties shows make me feel like
Being a bulimic alcoholic is a good choice.
Why is everyone so ugly?
That's a confidence booster.
I could cry over the amount of sunlight I see.
I'm like a little warrior,
Standing on a hilltop of daisies,
With a pair of pink, sparkly safety scissors in my hand,
And a smirk of a five year old genius across my face.
Take my hand and tell me I'm perfect,
That my scars are beauty marks,
My absolute beauty is incomparable,
That I'm your china doll.
As you lay me down on your bed,
And let me know that I'm the only girl for you,
This week.
Take away my safety scissors.
Condescend me.
Tell me I do not know what I am talking about.
But I see everything from my daisy hill, you know.
1.8k · Feb 2014
Caramel
AJ Feb 2014
My fingertips
Carry
A heavy weight.
1.8k · Feb 2014
Cheesecake
AJ Feb 2014
If I could figure out what to do
I probably wouldn't be over you.
I can't decide what stars I see
So I won't many anymore wishes.
Just in case I wish upon your star.
1.8k · Sep 2013
Saturday
AJ Sep 2013
How can I be so tired?
I want to get out of here.
I want to sleep.
I want to get out of here.
Mary Had a Little Lamb for Dinner
1.8k · Oct 2014
White Blood Cells
AJ Oct 2014
I'm too tired to talk.
But we can always
Just stare at each other,
And get drunk in a dimly lit room.
Or not.
1.7k · Jul 2013
Goodnight Moon
AJ Jul 2013
When I was little
I read Goodnight moon every night.
And I'd goodnight kiss my bed.
And my door.
And my rocking chair.
And the floor.
And then I'd set up four little stuffed animal guards,
Back to back,
To watch the four walls of my room.
So that all the demons couldn't get to me.
They were my troops.
If I closed my eyes,
The ceiling was made of raindrops,
Frozen still.
But they weren't cold.
If I layed flat on my back,
I could hear the sound of my guards talking.
Mutiny they said.
They were going to over throw me.
They had secretly been the demons the whole time.
Those sneaky little *******.
So I crushed them under the weight of my toys,
That very second.
And the next day I pierced all their ears with a bidazler.
And I drew them tattoos.
I made them the thugs they wanted to be.
They didn't like it.
Repented for their sins.
But I used no crayola.
Punishment is a sharpie,
I had told them that before.
And that was the night I realized
I'm so much stronger than the demons.
I do not need a guard.
Goodnight moon.
1.7k · Aug 2013
I Never Had A Tricycle
AJ Aug 2013
I don't even think there was a trigger this time.
I think it just became a very big relapse
Very very quickly.
Or it is just a big delayed reaction of
Of a certain act of
Valor.
Now I cry through the bulimic tag every night
Like the stupidest ***** this side of the city.
And I fix my breathing with my beautiful ******* razors,
Inside my friend's bathrooms.
I'd rather feel empty,
You have to spend less money on alcohol that way.
A certain act of valor.
Not that I can blame the poor baby,
It was my own fault.
Masochistic you could say.
I don't want to die,
I just want to stop suffering.
Actually,
I just want to suffer.
Actually,
I just want to suffer until I make everything perfect.
Until I'm someone's prize possession.
Suka.
1.7k · Jan 2014
I Know CPR
AJ Jan 2014
Sometimes listening to the ceiling fan
Will get me calm enough to see
That the sun didn't set any faster today.
But there are bruises I get quite frequently
From words strangers whisper to each other
Halfway across the country.
Their names are engraved in my lungs,
Their names will never be mine to see.
AJ Jan 2014
**** me hard and sweet and look me in the eye as I
Come to the see that being who I want isn't a
Race me to the front steps of our
Home is not always an accurate word for a physical
Place the picture of me in my cap and gown between the past and
The future us will realize that you're never too your for
Love thy neighbor as yourself is really much harder than it
Seems can fall apart but nothing ever stops you from stitching new
Ones enough sometimes, but sometimes four shots seem
Better I tell you I love you now, then wait till
Tomorrow nothing is holding me back from
Living day to day never had much appeal, I'd rather live from me to
You don't see that your daughter is suffocating because you can't let
Go with me to the moon, to the stars, and
Back then, I never really cared.
I still don't.

You can count the stars as many times as you want
But you are the earth and I am the moon.
And I will never stop revolving around you.
1.7k · Jan 2015
Keep Your Head Up, Love
AJ Jan 2015
It's better to feel pain,
Than nothing at all.
But it's much better
To feel a multitude of other things.

Don't go slamming any screen doors,
Yelling about how I've always been the one.
This is not a country song.
Too misogynistic for my taste.

I wish I belonged to you.
You'd be too cold here.
And I'd be too hot there.
1.7k · Jul 2013
Son IV
AJ Jul 2013
Collin behaved very well today.
He went in the pool,
And learned to blow bubbles underwater.
It was easy for him though,
Ghosts never sink.
"I only float, mama.
Look at me floating."
He tells me.
Yes baby,
You only float.
You're doing great.
He ate pasta salad,
With no mayonnaise.
He is allergic to mayonnaise.
It gives him hives.
Oh Collin.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
1.7k · Aug 2013
Ciepły Kącik
AJ Aug 2013
There's more than one way to turn two bodies
Into one.
Instead,
**** my soul till it's raw.
Fill me to the brim with your broken ego.
I'll dance my catastrophic tongue along your weak spot,
Your achilles heel.
Which, of course,
Is me breaking your ego.
I'll let you penetrate me with a silent stare,
Oh god,
Yes there.
Dive into my insecurities,
Call my bluff,
Put me on a pedestal,
Rigged to collapse into ruins.
I like when you push me.
Don't break me,
Ecstasy comes when I break myself,
Smash myself into over analyzed bits and sociopathic pieces.
Faster.
Harder.
Make it harder for me to figure you out,
Give me a challenge.
**** yes,
I love a challenge.
Reading an open book is easy,
Picking up a locked journel off an abandoned bookshelf,
Now that pushes me over the edge.
Let's change into a more comfortable position,
Where you ramble an incoherent childhood stories,
And I retort loudly in my native language,
And you storm off because no one is right,
And no one is wrong.
And you get off on the point that there is no point.
Just build it up.
More.
****.
****.
More.
Touch my mind.
Don't touch my heart,
No stop.
Yes there.
A little more.



Dzięki.
1.6k · Sep 2013
Son XIII
AJ Sep 2013
Collin and I have been
Quite mellow lately.
I've been a bit sad,
And he's given quite a few ghost hugs.
Sometimes I wake him up
In the middle of the night
So I can rock him back to sleep in my arms.
And feel his little ghost baby breaths
And watch his little ghost baby shoulders
Move up and down
And up and down.
It's so comforting that he seems to be guaranteed
When nothing else is.
He's still learning to read and write.
He's currently on M
Which he says is for MoM, and Monkey,
And Meryl Steep.
(he means my favorite actress Meryl Streep)
Do not badger me with being a bad parent,
You are not the single mother of a little ghost boy.
You wouldn't even know how to raise a ghost baby.
Other stories about Collin can be found in the collection "Son", which you can find if you look in the notes down below.
1.6k · Feb 2014
Weight Watchers
AJ Feb 2014
I don't think I've ever heard my father
Tell my mother that she was beautiful.
I'm sure of it.
Never.
There wasn't any positive comments on her appearance.
"Fix yourself up a bit!"
"When are you going to lose some weight?"
"I don't like your hair that way."
When I was sixteen I wrote her a note for mother's day
Telling her that she was genuinely beautiful.
And she cried.

I can't think of any positive comments on my appearance
That either of them spoke to me,
That didn't revolve around losing weight.
And then was only when I was throwing up on a daily basis.
Pocketing lunch money,
And measuring out one cup of cheerios every day
That I eventually stopped eating,
And starting storing in gallon bags hidden under my bed.
"Are you losing weight, good for you?"
It wasn't even that I looked good.
Or that I looked beautiful.
Or even that I looked healthy.
Just good that there was becoming less of me.
And to keep at it.
And I'm sorry sometime I try to fight you when you say you like my stomach.
I was always told it was unsightly and needed to be smaller.

My little sister listens when they call her fat, that her *** is big, that she needs to lose weight.
Constantly.
Not other kids.
My parents.
She asked me why she didn't have a boyfriend.
She's 15.
She thinks she is fat and doesn't like the way she looks.
I try to corner her every once in a while
And tell her not to listen to our parents.
Tell her that she is beautiful.
That her hair is soft, and her eye brows are flawless, and her tummy is gorgeous.

There has to be someone there to do that for her.
Someone to counter the words of authority.
And tell her that she is gorgeous.
So she never has to meet Ana or Mia.
Because she was average to below average weight
When she was in preschool,
and I in elementary school,
And were put on weight watchers by our mother in the summers.
Maybe because she was never told that she was beautiful.
And it poisoned her.
You're not supposed to hate your body so much that you want it completely changed.

You're supposed to love it so much, that you'll work to make it radiate the love and goodness that you put into it.
AJ Dec 2013
I'm sorry, really.
It's just getting very cold.
I want to let go.
1.6k · Jun 2013
I Had Been So Excited
AJ Jun 2013
I miss you.
You were the only perfect thing I ever made.
I had been so excited.
You were ours.
You were mine.
I have never felt closer.
I had been so excited.
You had erased my fears.
Nothing matter but you.
I had been so excited.
I went through so much so I could have you,
And keep you safe.
I wanted to hold you.
I wanted to coddle you.
Even hearing you cry would've been better than this.
That's all I wanted.
1.6k · Jun 2013
Kathryn
AJ Jun 2013
You are my beautiful, nagging wife.
We have been married for fifty-one years,
Seven months,
And eleven days, exactly.
You are the most annoying person I have ever come across,
And my best friend.
It can be simplified into vanilla coke,
Ginger ships,
And savior by Rise Against.
You are my secret jar.
You are my rain.
You are my better half.
We are two halves of one old and demented, crazy cat lady.
Self destruction and all.
Destroy my reassurance,
And reassure my destruction,
But I love you more than I hate tomatoes,
And I'll never ask for a divorce.
1.6k · Oct 2013
Absolutely Magnificent
AJ Oct 2013
Do you remember the time
Where you discovered that
You weren't absolutely magnificent?
I do.
I remember the exact moment.
I was six.
And when I was six I had this way
Of opening the car door from the inside.
I would pull the handle,
And kick it as hard as I could.
It was not very hard,
Barely enough to open the door.
I was only six,
If you recall.
And my mother saw me doing it one day on vacation.
And she told me
"If you kick that door one more time
I'm going to hit you so hard
You won't be able to breath for a week."
I wanted to be good.
I didn't want to be a child of Satan.
But two days later,
On the way home from the beach,
Eating a little bag of popcorn,
I kicked the car door open.
And I stared at my outstretched foot
In total disbelief.
Paralyzed.
And I realized I had failed.
And my heart flew out of my chest
And went into hiding in the tips of my toes.
And my eyes didn't well up with tears,
The welled up with the entire Atlantic Ocean.
And I just realized.
I had failed.
I did something very wrong.
I am not good.
I am a child of Satan.
I am not
I am not
I am not
Absolutely magnificent.
1.6k · Jun 2013
Grotesque.
AJ Jun 2013
The sun makes me feel like a failure.
I do not know why.
I have no stories about it,
Or metaphors to give you.
I do not like to be warm.
I do not like things dry.
I do not like things bright.
I like the rain because it actually touches you
It doesn't just tempt you like the sun.
If the sun touched you,
You would die.
The sun is homicidal.
It just doesn't commit the murders.
I have yet to decide if that is out of laziness,
Or compassion.
Maybe it is both.
I'll go with both.
1.6k · Oct 2013
Moldy Peaches
AJ Oct 2013
It's three in the morning,
And I am so tired.
But the thought of having to wake up
Is keeping me from falling asleep.
1.5k · Jun 2013
Trading Places
AJ Jun 2013
I feel very cute.
With my hello kitty **** shorts,
And my big grey hoodie,
Hiding under my generic snuggie.
My hair smells like an expensive french wine,
And my black painted fingernails have been
Chipped by injustice and carelessness.
But it makes no difference.
I only know how to play the victim,
Or a sad, scared little girl.
This is a new role for me.
And I find it ironic,
That your method of comforting me,
When I am distraught and distressed,
Is to rest your head on my shoulder.
Do I follow your examples?
It doesn't feel raw enough.
So now what do I do?
1.5k · Oct 2015
Vintage Wallpaper
AJ Oct 2015
I have this dream that I'm a failed 1940's housewife.
And I can't get this image out of my mind.

I swear I left the iron on,
The sink is overflowing,
The roast it burning,
The twins are crying,
The washing machine is pouring out suds.
And my husband gets home....
It's a mess.

He tries to put me in my place,
Apparently I must be submissive.
He tries to **** me in the kitchen
To prove his possession of me.
I yell and scream and
When he doesn't stop....
The knives were just.....
Too close to my end of the counter.

My lawyer pleads insanity.
I just plead.
"The invention of the ship was the invention of the shipwreck."
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